Peeps and a Pool Crawl - Sponsored Post

We spend a whole lot of time at the pool in the summer.  Here's the thing, I live in Virginia and it gets hot here. Like really hot. I mean, I lived in Alabama for four years and it gets incredi-hot there. And let me tell you that a bad day in Virginia and a bad day in Alabama don't actually feel that different. Hence, during the summer you will find us at the pool.

It costs money to join the pool (not that much - we're lucky) and after that, it's kind of like free fun. Except of course for the $12,000 I paid for team suits, goggles, fins and others swim crap swag. It's still cheaper than camp for three kids (which costs $12,000 + one functioning kidney).

Ahhh... Summer. When the suns shines, the chlorine burns, and the money pours out of my wallet.

The Parent to Kid Dictionary

You guys, wait until you meet Robyn. She is one of the women who contributed to the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone" with me. She's perfection. Like a fluffy kitten or a perfectly ripe cantalope. I puffy heart love her and so will you. Here's her bio:

Robyn Welling is a freelance writer and humorist at HollowTree Ventures, where she isn't afraid to embarrass herself — and frequently does. She loves sarcasm, wine, beer, other bottled items, long walks on the beach, and her husband. Oh, and her kids are okay, too. Her goals include becoming independently wealthy, followed by world domination and getting her children to clean their rooms. Until then, she'll just fold laundry and write about the shortcuts she takes on her journey to becoming a somewhat passable wife, mother, and human being. If history is any guide, she'll miss the mark entirely. You can find her avoiding responsibility on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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In the Mommy Room

You guys know that it's a struggle for me to keep my house clean, right? That it's usually pretty awful, even though I'm really and truly trying? Sigh... I should be embarrassed but I'm starting to think a messy house is like a boob stain for me - part of my personality that really can't be denied. 

When we bought this house in 2011, I was the happiest person on earth. I love this house. It's perfect for us. It's set up so that when you walk in, you pretty much just see one room to your left. It's a living room - or actually more of a sitting room. I decided to call it the Mommy Room. It's where we put everything we own that is nice or worth more than $5 or purchased some place other than Target. 

TODAY IS A REALLY BIG DAY!!!

This is our dear Guru Louise is labor with her first kid. 

Today is a really big day. Today is the day that our own Guru Louise is getting induced and having her third baby. Many of you have read all about her pregnancy on Babble - how she is high risk, how she's had some past health issues, how she adores her two kids (who after today will be known as her "big kids" even though they are still little). 

How Motherhood Is Like Having a Bad Boyfriend

Super hawt, right?

This guest post is part of a series featuring the bad ass mamas who contributed to book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". Please meet the incredibly talented and insanely gorgeous, Keesha Beckford. Here's her bio:

Before her two children re-choreographed her life, Keesha was a professional dancer who performed in the U.S. and in Europe. Today she is a master modern and jazz dance teacher in the Chicago area. She is also the human cyclone behind the popular blog Mom’s New Stage. A multitasker at heart, she shows fierce skills at simultaneously writing, choreographing, checking Facebook and Pinterest updates, playing the role of a mother named Joan “Kumbaya” Crawford, and overcooking food. Find her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google+.

An Open Letter to My Arch Nemesis, The Ice Cream Truck

Dear Mr. Ice Cream Truck,

Oh my God, I hate you so hard right now. 

This is a Masterpiece Except I Can't Understand It

Last week, Mini (my 4 year old) drew this picture. It's apparently a picture of me and her dad at our wedding 16 years ago and we're about to kiss. When she said the word "kiss" she drew it out so that it had about 45 syllables and then she sighed and said: "GWOSS".

Then I took a good look at the picture and I was like "WHAAAA?!?!?"

I posted it on Facebook: "Please note the purple girl playing drums on the left and the yellow man on the right playing what I was assured by the artist is a banjo. Also, she seems to have created some sort of symbol-based language and written a code at the top."

Father's Day Cards for the Real World

I did it for Valentine's Day. Then again for Mother's Day. And now... it is nearly Father's Day. Of course, I haven't actually bought anything yet because I am a horrible person.

Instead, I've spent my time creating these, some delightful greetings for the real world, because actual Father's Days cards are stupid and expensive. I apologize in advance to the easily offended.

You might just want to click away now.

Gynecology Gone Wild

This post is part of series featuring the insanely talented and good looking women who contributed to the book: I Just Want to Pee Alone. Meet Tracy. I love her like iced coffee on a hot day with a bad hangover.

Tracy Winslow is a SAHM trying not to raise a flock of assholes.  Besides crafting cocktails with Zoloft, Tracy can be found cursing, crying into her coffee over her stretch marks, Ouija-boarding her deceased metabolism and blogging humorously about her children and life at http://www.momaical.com.  

Find her smart ass remarks as well on Twitter: @Momaical and 
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/MomaicalBlog

Unintentionally Funny Kid Words

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a horrifying conversation with my 4 year old where she messed up the meaning of a word. I was extremely confused by her anti-papist tendencies and then amused when I figured it all out.

Here's the thing about parenting that Mini has taught me: some days the hardest part of raising kids is the not laughing. Also? That's one of the best parts.

I asked you wonderful people to share the words that your kids have gotten wrong (that were unintentionally hilarious as well as being offensive and/or horrifying). Your kids are awesome.  Here's part 1 of the funniest ones you sent me.

Horrifying Conversation with Mini: Seltzer Edition

As you know, my four year old daughter Mini is both awesome and horrifying. Here is yet another example of both her ability to be hilarious and my ability to fail as a parent.

Allow me to set the scene. We're eating dinner and Mini asks for a sip of her father's seltzer water. He hands it to her and she takes a big sip and then burps. Then she starts maniacally laughing.

Then everything got weird again.

Things I Learned in College... But Not in Class

This post comes to you from my buddy Amy over at Funny is Family and is part of the series of guest posts featuring the bad ass mama jammas who contributed with me on the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". Here's what you need to know about her:

Amy and her husband made two kids, a four year old girl and a six year old boy. She does not consider herself a housewife, as she owns no pearls and only one apron. Amy has been featured on BlogHer, Aiming Low, Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, and Bonbon Break; and is a contributor to the best-selling book, I Just Want to Pee Alone. You can find her laughing at the absurdity of parenting on Facebook and Twitter, and pinning things she’ll never do on Pinterest. She writes embarrassing stories about her family and herself at Funny is Family. 

It's Only 20 Feet

You know what's crazy? My kids and the car. It takes them 159 years from the time they hear "It's time to go" to when they actually get in the dang van. However, if they hear the ice cream truck then WHOOOOSH! They're out the door, with shoes on, in under 5 seconds. We all know this. It's one of the universal laws of parenting.

But we don't talk much about the other end of this equation. We don't talk about what is required to get kids from the car into the house. It's a problem that ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's not that bad. Then again sometimes I wonder if the three of them are working together to send me to the Nervous Hospital. Because it's only 20 feet, it just shouldn't be that hard. And yet... It is.

So I created a list of 10 rules (more like suggestions, really) to help my kids get from the car into the house without me needing a sedative.

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Disney World Edition

I took some time off this month to catch up on end of the school year stuff, finish deadlines, and unplug with my family. Thanks to the Capn's crazy travel schedule - that unplugged time took the form of going to Disney World compliments of his frequent flyer miles. YAY!!

It was so much fun, and dare I say it -- almost magical. Except for the daily meltdowns (mine), some sibling fighting (the big kids), and of course - a couple of mortifying conversations with Mini. I will say this, we very much needed time away from the rest of the world as a family and this trip was exactly what we needed to reconnect with each other.

But before you start thinking that I am one of those annoying moms you want to block on Facebook because they post nothing but precious, happy memories from their perfect family vacation, let me share this conversation with Mini:

Please Don't Give Mommy a Report Card

I originally wrote this a couple of years ago. It is both horrifying and reassuring that nothing has changed.
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Where I live, tomorrow is the last day of school.  The day starts at 8:20am and ends at 11:00am.  Because that makes sense.  It seems like they've been in school forever, right?  But it snowed for three weeks straight last winter and as a result, they cancelled school - for three long weeks. *Shiver*  I still get flashbacks.  Hence, they are getting out tomorrow. 

The end of the school year brings with it some trepidation on my part.  We will have 2-1/2 months together and I am both looking forward to it and dreading it.  I love the idea of slowing down our schedule and swimming and having fun.  And then they start fighting over Super Mario Brothers, and I begin to consider donating a kidney in order to afford sleep away camp.