Thursday, June 13, 2013

Gynecology Gone Wild

This post is part of series featuring the insanely talented and good looking women who contributed to the book: I Just Want to Pee Alone. Meet Tracy. I love her like iced coffee on a hot day with a bad hangover.


Tracy Winslow is a SAHM trying not to raise a flock of assholes.  Besides crafting cocktails with Zoloft, Tracy can be found cursing, crying into her coffee over her stretch marks, Ouija-boarding her deceased metabolism and blogging humorously about her children and life at http://www.momaical.com.  

Find her smart ass remarks as well on Twitter: @Momaical and 
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/MomaicalBlog



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The yearly trip to the gynecologist is a necessary evil.  Going to the gynecologist with two children in tow descends the entire experience to a whole new level of hell.

Coupled with my lack of childcare options available to me, was my sleep deprived insanity logic into deciding to bring them along:
It's a 5 minute appointment.  How bad could it be, really?  I'll just set them up with something to watch on my phone.  They won't even notice what's going on.  Oooh!  Look!  There's a bird in my yard!  Did I flip the laundry yet?  I like chocolate. 

So, the girls and I walk in to the appointment, armed with iPhones, toys and enough snacks to feed Latvia and Lithuania.  The nurse took care of the preliminaries and the girls were immersed in some show about giant squid.  She hands me my pink paper nightmare to put on - open in the front for optimal awkward.  I quietly disrobe and am not even on the table before the doctor walks in.  I count my blessings that she is so fast in arriving in the room because I am staring at a Molotov cocktail sitting next to a flame thrower.  I am positive the swath of destruction left behind us in the waiting room had nothing to do with the expediting of my appointment.

The first 37 seconds went smoothly.  I am sending "pay no attention to the woman beneath the paper curtain" subliminal messages to my kids.  I think I am almost home free. I am a foolish, foolish woman.

Lena: "Mommy!  Why is she poking you in the pee pee?"

Emmeline: "Hey! Stweaker! You nakey! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!"

Lena: "Mommy.  Seriously.  She is STABBING YOU IN THE PEE PEE.  Do I have to do that at my back to school doctor’s appointment?"

The gynecologist speeds up the exam as I flounder through an explanation that this is an appointment to make sure I am around for many, many more years of abject humiliation from my children.

Emmeline decides it is the perfect time for a cabaret. "You is nakey awound!  Mommy - Mommy is nakey!"  However, the audience of three is not quite the draw she is looking for.  So she opens up the door to the exam room and yells down the hallway. "Nakey!  Nakey!  My mommy is poked in da bunners!"  

AND I CAN'T GET UP TO CLOSE THE DOOR BECAUSE THE DOCTOR’S ARM IS SO FAR UP MY HOO-HA THAT SHE MAY BE CHECKING MY TONSILS.
Lena: "Is her whole arm in your pee pee?"

Emmeline: "Awm in da pee pee! My mommy is nakey and stweaking with her bunners!"

Lena: "Mommy, you might want to know that Emmeline is running down the hallway."
Is it possible to die of embarrassment? Because I'm pretty sure I came close. The doctor quickly finishes and I run down to the lobby, "nakey" except for my paper shift.  Emmeline ran right to a brand new young dad in the waiting room.  I grab my toddler with the one hand that is not holding together my only source of vestment. I look him right in the eye and say: "Congratulations on your new baby. Parenthood is awesome."

Then with my pink paper gown flapping in the wind, I head back to the room to gather what little is left of my dignity.  Which is less than the material clutched between my fingers.  
(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

40 comments:

  1. oh yes! I've been there! I had one kid licking the sharps container and another asking why the doctor put his arm up my bottom.

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    1. Good times. Really, they should sell tickets to the main event. It would solve all the health care issues in about a month.

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  2. cue george takei ... oh my.
    mama is nakey and poked in da bunners might be the funniest phrase i have heard in ... forever.
    in the maelstrom of shock and indignity that is parenthood, i am so glad to have found you - especially for the laughs. thanks rfml (and momaical).

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    1. Yes, it's funny NOW. But at the time I wanted to crawl up and be thrown out with the hazardous materials waste.
      Tracy @ Momaical

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    2. i hear you! seriously - last night, we went out as a family of four for the first time in a YEAR (so we could have a no-pressure restaurant-practice session). our toddler's manners were great, so even if the baby did like to put her feet on the table, i was feeling pretty good. then all of a sudden i saw a massive puddle under our son's highchair. i had almost convinced myself it was apple juice, and flagged the waitress for napkins so i could clean it up. my son chose that moment to point under his chair and announce loudly "POO!"
      let's just say i've never cleaned up a puddle so fast, or with such a red face.
      (at least there was no poo. perhaps he just wanted me to feel the full range of horror so he would be cushioned by my relief.)
      i'm hoping some day it will be a funny story - but today it's still cringe-y!

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    3. Oh,it will totally be hilarious at some point. My 2yo started pointing at the guy at the table behind us and yelling "Dat guy is doin' poopin' fawts!" when we were out one EARLY evening. Yeah. It was mint.

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  3. "STABBING YOU IN THE PEE-PEE" is where I started laughing loudly. By the end, Im pretty sure my 38 week pregnant belly was about to bust open. Oh my, If laughing can send you into labor I am screwed.

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    1. I say go for it. At 38 weeks I was ready to serve eviction notices! Thanks so much! Tracy @ Momaical

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  4. Hilarious! I had to bring my son to my OBGYN appointment once and he screamed the entire time while I got poked and prodded. It was a nightmare.

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    1. Which brings an already hideous appointment to the apex of atrocious!
      Tracy @ Momaical

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  5. I had to bring my oldest along for a "quick check" whilst preggo with number two. He could have cared less that I was splayed on the table in stirrups. As soon as my legs were up and my bottom scooched, he made a beeline to the tub of disinfectant and used speculum. My OB/GYN almost passed out, and I very calmly got up and washed his hands/wiped him down with purell. He got a bath when we got home too. Needless to say he didn't go back with me.

    Thanks for the laughs. I love you ladies like wine after bed time.

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    1. Wow. And, ew. And bahahahahaha - so many different simultaneous emotions from that experience. Thanks so much for reading!
      Tracy @ Momaical

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  6. ROFL Tracy! My kids just turned around and asked me what I was "snorting" at. I told them I was just reading a friend's story. Eye rolling ensued.

    That reminds me, I need to make an appointment to get stabbed in my pee pee and get poked in da bunners. I think I'll make my husband take the day off and stay with my kids though.

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    1. Probably a good idea.Unless you enjoy meeting new people at the most awkward of occasions - then bring em!

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  7. "My mommy is poked in da bunners!" I am DYING! This is precisely why Captain has been told under no uncertain terms that my lady appointments will be made at the end of the day and he WILL take an hour off of work to watch the kids for me.

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    1. Genius. Unfortunately I never know when my husband is going to get home so it was the only option for me at that time. And believe me - I will NEVER make that critical error again!!!

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  8. I just love you. You make my day. That's all I can say. Lmao.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading!!!
      Tracy @ Momaical

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  9. That is funny. and a GREAT reminder of why I love my Dr. If you have ot bring your kids in for one on those types of exams, he has a nurse take them to another room where they let them pick out a stuffed animal to take home. No kids in the room and the kids just think they get something great for going with mom.

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    1. Oh, wow. You really are lucky! Thanks so much for reading!
      Tracy @ Momaical

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  10. I took my three year old to one of my OB appointment later in my pregnancy. My doctor was awesome, having her help measure my stomach and find the heartbeat. Then she went to check if I was dilated. My daughter looks from her to me, crosses her arms and says "That's it, no more doctor for me. No doctor is sticking their hand in my private." Except it wasn't a "says" so much as a "shouts as loudly as possible in an office with paper thin walls". I heard the woman in the next room cracking up.

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    1. Yup. There's a reason I always say I gave birth to my most embarrassing friends! They find new ways to humiliate me constantly. No wonder most of my hair has fallen out....
      Tracy @ Momaical

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  11. Oh gawd ... and you got to scare a newbie? This is awesome... now.... for you... but not then. I love you soooo much.

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    1. I guarantee the poor bastard made a vasectomy appointment before he even left the building! Thanks so much Synnove!

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  12. Hahaha! Oh my gosh thank you for sharing. I have no doubt you wanted to die when it was going on but seriously even then you know in the back of your head you know that after a few glasses of wine you will be dying laughing while you relate the story.

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    1. After my face stopped burning and my doctor shoved a fistful of tubal ligation pamphlets in my hand...yeah. It was funny. Thanks so much for reading!
      Tracy @ Momaical

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  13. Omg this is too great! I had to take my 2 girls with me this year and a week later my 2 1/2 year olds daycare teacher tells me that she told her whole class that she "got a sucker from some lady so that man doctor could take off mommy's pants AND big girl panties!"

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    1. Bahahahaha! Kids will tell everything including their prayers to anyone who will listen. So great. When I was a teacher I always told the parents at open house - "Here's the deal: you believe half of what your kids tell you about me and I'll believe half of what I hear about you." ;)

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  14. I love you so much, my sister wife "STWEAKING WIF HER BUNNERS!" Bunners. I shall never get over the bunners.

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    1. Yeah, bunners. It's a hot topic in our house. And also in public, apparently.

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  15. As a gift to you, I will fly out and babysit while you go to your next appointment. I mean...I do ruin a great story by doing that but as your friend, I feel I owe you a child free Gyno visit... :)

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    1. Sweet. Can you come now? I don't have an appt for a few months but I'll take you up on the sitting immediately.

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  16. I had a similar experience at the pool last week. I got my toddler dressed and was putting on my underwear when she bolted. I hastily wrapped a towel around me and chased her out of the change room and into the entrance area, then pick her up and carry her back tight against my chest so the very small towel wouldn't fall and expose everything. Your story made me so grateful that she can't talk that well yet. No "mummy is in da nudes!" for a couple more months.

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    1. Mine is now tall enough to open the doors in the public restrooms. Which she takes full advantage of - especially in crowded places. So much embarrassment in one small person.

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  17. Hilarious. Just hilarious.

    Just a couple months ago while at a doctor appointment, I took my 3 year old to the bathroom with me, which happened to be just a single one off a hallway. No problem. She does her business, then I sit down to do mine. I am not even halfway through when she runs to the door, turns the handle which unlocks the door, and tries to bolt! I jump up, leaving a small trail of pee droplets behind me and struggle to pull up my pants. I grab her but not before one of her doctors walks by. Awesome. Thank God we only see those people once a year! And wiping up my own pee off the floor of a public bathroom with a paper towel is not one of my finest moments...

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    1. They really are our most embarrassing friends.

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  18. Oh, Tracy!! Okay, let's look at the silver lining: you got a kick ass blog post outta that ordeal, you're here on Rants from Mommyland, and...Yep. That's it.

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    1. Right? Being here on Rants from Mommyland is worth all the abject humiliation from my tiny people!!!

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  19. Ahh, Tracy - Thank you! My daughter sent this to me - the one who is now a SAHM with two little girls. This takes me back about 30 years, to when I had to take HER to my OB appointment. She was quite happy to check out the exam room while we were waiting - until she discovered the little (and I mean LITTLE!) blue sheet that was covering my pee-pee. She stuck her 2-year-old head under it and just as the doctor walked in she jumped up, whisking away any resemblance of privacy, and yelled "PEEK-A-BOO!" at him. I thought he would die laughing! So...just wait. Grandmotherhood is coming! :) MamaSue

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  20. OMG! I just laughed until I cried! So true!!!

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