Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Disney World Edition

I took some time off this month to catch up on end of the school year stuff, finish deadlines, and unplug with my family. Thanks to the Capn's crazy travel schedule - that unplugged time took the form of going to Disney World compliments of his frequent flyer miles. YAY!!

It was so much fun, and dare I say it -- almost magical. Except for the daily meltdowns (mine), some sibling fighting (the big kids), and of course - a couple of mortifying conversations with Mini. I will say this, we very much needed time away from the rest of the world as a family and this trip was exactly what we needed to reconnect with each other.

But before you start thinking that I am one of those annoying moms you want to block on Facebook because they post nothing but precious, happy memories from their perfect family vacation, let me share this conversation with Mini:

We're in the Magic Kingdom, so of course we're in the middle of a huge crowd.

Me: Please stop touching the water on Splash Mountain. First of all it's dangerous to keep reaching out of the boat and second that water smells funky.
Mini (age 4): Yah. It smells like an infection. That's why I want to touch it.
Me: That makes no sense.
Mini (age 4): I got some in my mouth. (points to the inside of her mouth with germ-covered finger)
Me ((shivers)): Please try and keep your mouth closed on all the water rides.
Mini (looks annoyed): No.
Me: Excuse me?
Mini: You haffa scream like this AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! 
(Lets loose with the loudest scream ever, sounds like a cross between an air siren and an italian ambulance from a Fellini movie. People jump and clutch their hearts in fear.)
Me: Please stop that RIGHT NOW.
Mini: OK, don't yell at me. Besides, I hate dat ride and it was too scary for little kids. You said it was fun. (looks at me angrily, with accusation in her eyes) IT WAS NOT FUN. It scared me.
Me: I'm sorry.
Mini: YOU SCARED ME. Because you made me go on it. YOU SCARED ME, MOMMY.
Me: (the entire crowd now thinks I caused the air raid scream by being scary. I start whispering.) I'm sorry. Please stop talking.
Mini: I will never stop talking.
Me: (sigh) Yes, I know.
Mini: (making eye contact with a complete stranger in the crowd) I have 5 kids in my family.
Stranger: That's nice.
Me: We only have three kids in our family.
Me: We have three. What are you talking about? Do you mean the dog and the cat?
Mini: No. I mean Belle and Sarah, my little sisters.
Me: But... (Mini interrupts me and continues her conversation with the stranger)
Mini: Belle is my little sister and Sarah is my baby sister. We left them at home because Mommy said we couldn't afford to bring them and they might get lost. So we left them at home. Alone. With no grown ups.
(The stranger is starting to look at me funny.)
Me: I should mention that Belle and Sarah are... (Mini interrupts again)
Mini:  They're all alone at our house with the air conditioning turned off. Aunt Jane is looking in on them every couple of days. When the cat needs more water, Aunt Jane will come and make sure my little sisters are OK, too. I wanted Aunt Jane to take Belle and Sarah to her house with her because they're so little and it's not safe for them to be alone but Mommy said no. (Glares at me. Stranger looks very concerned.)
Me: Belle and Sarah are dolls.
Mini: NO THEY ARE NOT DOLLS! Stop saying that! They are my sisters.
Me: (to the stranger and the rest of the crowd) They are dolls. They are perfectly safe. But they're dolls.
Mini: I'm going to tell them you said that.
Me: That's OK because Belle and Sarah know that they're dolls.
Mini: GAHHH!!! THEY ARE NOT! They are really real. They're my sisters! (starts to get upset)
Me: Are you ok?
Mini: (crying) No. They're really real. They're not dolls.
Me: (hugging her) Ok. Settle down. There there.
Mini: (sobbing) They're not dolls. (more sobbing)
Me: No, sweetie. They're not dolls. They're real. Your sisters are real. Stop crying. It's OK. (I look up at the alarmed crowd and silently mouth 'THEY ARE DOLLS' but no one will make eye contact with me.)

The stranger and the rest of the crowd did not seem at all convinced that I hadn't left a toddler and a baby behind in a sweltering house with only a cat and Aunt Jane's occasional pop-overs to keep them alive. The fact that I was sweating like a whore in church did not help my case. I mean, it was a 90 degree day in Florida but it just made me look more guilty.

I would also like to say that this was the only time during our trip that Mini brought up how we left our two youngest children behind, but it wasn't. She told out waitresses. She told the people riding the monorail with us. She told the nice man in line behind us at Epcot. Oh yes.

The end.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

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