Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Disney World Edition

I took some time off this month to catch up on end of the school year stuff, finish deadlines, and unplug with my family. Thanks to the Capn's crazy travel schedule - that unplugged time took the form of going to Disney World compliments of his frequent flyer miles. YAY!!

It was so much fun, and dare I say it -- almost magical. Except for the daily meltdowns (mine), some sibling fighting (the big kids), and of course - a couple of mortifying conversations with Mini. I will say this, we very much needed time away from the rest of the world as a family and this trip was exactly what we needed to reconnect with each other.

But before you start thinking that I am one of those annoying moms you want to block on Facebook because they post nothing but precious, happy memories from their perfect family vacation, let me share this conversation with Mini:

We're in the Magic Kingdom, so of course we're in the middle of a huge crowd.

Me: Please stop touching the water on Splash Mountain. First of all it's dangerous to keep reaching out of the boat and second that water smells funky.
Mini (age 4): Yah. It smells like an infection. That's why I want to touch it.
Me: That makes no sense.
Mini (age 4): I got some in my mouth. (points to the inside of her mouth with germ-covered finger)
Me ((shivers)): Please try and keep your mouth closed on all the water rides.
Mini (looks annoyed): No.
Me: Excuse me?
Mini: You haffa scream like this AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! 
(Lets loose with the loudest scream ever, sounds like a cross between an air siren and an italian ambulance from a Fellini movie. People jump and clutch their hearts in fear.)
Me: Please stop that RIGHT NOW.
Mini: OK, don't yell at me. Besides, I hate dat ride and it was too scary for little kids. You said it was fun. (looks at me angrily, with accusation in her eyes) IT WAS NOT FUN. It scared me.
Me: I'm sorry.
Mini: YOU SCARED ME. Because you made me go on it. YOU SCARED ME, MOMMY.
Me: (the entire crowd now thinks I caused the air raid scream by being scary. I start whispering.) I'm sorry. Please stop talking.
Mini: I will never stop talking.
Me: (sigh) Yes, I know.
Mini: (making eye contact with a complete stranger in the crowd) I have 5 kids in my family.
Stranger: That's nice.
Me: We only have three kids in our family.
Mini: NO WE DON'T. WE HAVE FIVE.
Me: We have three. What are you talking about? Do you mean the dog and the cat?
Mini: No. I mean Belle and Sarah, my little sisters.
Me: But... (Mini interrupts me and continues her conversation with the stranger)
Mini: Belle is my little sister and Sarah is my baby sister. We left them at home because Mommy said we couldn't afford to bring them and they might get lost. So we left them at home. Alone. With no grown ups.
(The stranger is starting to look at me funny.)
Me: I should mention that Belle and Sarah are... (Mini interrupts again)
Mini:  They're all alone at our house with the air conditioning turned off. Aunt Jane is looking in on them every couple of days. When the cat needs more water, Aunt Jane will come and make sure my little sisters are OK, too. I wanted Aunt Jane to take Belle and Sarah to her house with her because they're so little and it's not safe for them to be alone but Mommy said no. (Glares at me. Stranger looks very concerned.)
Me: Belle and Sarah are dolls.
Mini: NO THEY ARE NOT DOLLS! Stop saying that! They are my sisters.
Me: (to the stranger and the rest of the crowd) They are dolls. They are perfectly safe. But they're dolls.
Mini: I'm going to tell them you said that.
Me: That's OK because Belle and Sarah know that they're dolls.
Mini: GAHHH!!! THEY ARE NOT! They are really real. They're my sisters! (starts to get upset)
Me: Are you ok?
Mini: (crying) No. They're really real. They're not dolls.
Me: (hugging her) Ok. Settle down. There there.
Mini: (sobbing) They're not dolls. (more sobbing)
Me: No, sweetie. They're not dolls. They're real. Your sisters are real. Stop crying. It's OK. (I look up at the alarmed crowd and silently mouth 'THEY ARE DOLLS' but no one will make eye contact with me.)

The stranger and the rest of the crowd did not seem at all convinced that I hadn't left a toddler and a baby behind in a sweltering house with only a cat and Aunt Jane's occasional pop-overs to keep them alive. The fact that I was sweating like a whore in church did not help my case. I mean, it was a 90 degree day in Florida but it just made me look more guilty.

I would also like to say that this was the only time during our trip that Mini brought up how we left our two youngest children behind, but it wasn't. She told out waitresses. She told the people riding the monorail with us. She told the nice man in line behind us at Epcot. Oh yes.

The end.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

51 comments:

  1. I am cracking up right now, that is so awesomely hilarious, even though I'm sorry you had to endure that.

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  2. So, so funny. Hope you had a great time!

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  3. yeah, it's hard to tell if the made-up stories are better or worse if they make sense. Sure, Mini could have two sisters at home.
    My 4yo son tells everybody about his brothers who have died. Sometimes he has one brother, sometime three, sometimes ten. His brothers' adventures ALWAYS end with them dying. His preschool teachers, his sunday school teachers, strangers in the grocery store...everyone gets to hear about these mysterious brothers. Who died.

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    1. Omg...your comment had me laughing so hard I cried. Good luck!

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  4. OMG! I am, literally, laughing out loud. That is absolutely priceless!

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  5. See, now your 'parenting' in legendary ;)

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  6. this is hysterical. I am always just a little terrified of what is going to come out of the four year old's mouth when she starts to tell a stranger a story. glad you guys had a good time despite the constant threats of all the children being hauled away. ;o)

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  7. bet you wish you had just brought those damn dolls, huh?

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    1. My name is Talking Tina, and I'm going to Kill You. Lol, that Twilight zone episode came to mind, and ^ this is EXACTLY what I'm thinking. lol.

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  8. See, this makes me want to have kids even more. I'm sure any kid I would have would say the same thing. LOL

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  9. During our one year old's photo session my three year old started to get jealous that the attention wasn't on him. (we only brought him so that we could take a few family pics bc I knew the ham wouldn't be able to stand not being in EVERY picture) He sat in the grass and began "reading" his super hero book. It went a little something like this…
    ”Captain America, he’s one of the AVENGERS! He is the best super hero ever. He has a special shield and he is really strong. He doesn’t have a mommy or daddy or brother because he doesn’t NEED them. He is awesome ALL BY HIMSELF….. When I grow up I want to be just like Captain America.”
    Yep, message received buddy.

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  10. Maybe I'm not excited for my little one to start talking.... oy!

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  11. When she's a teenager and wants to go out to something you disapprove of you should make her babysit her 'little sisters.'

    And bringing the dolls would never have worked on my daughter, she would just tell everyone that we left her little sisters locked in the hotel-room. This story reminds me of when my daughter was in Head Start and she told the teacher that I pulled her hair and hit her with a stick (referring to me combing her hair)
    .

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  12. time to take a picture of her with her little sisters and carry it with you EVERYWHERE

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  13. Next time I'm adding a gag to your travel documents. You're welcome.

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  14. If Mini ever joined forces with my 3 yr old son, the raving honey badger, we could count on total world domination.

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  15. Two words. Carry Pictures.

    SHOW people these sisters are dolls so people don't go calling DHS in on you. And have your Mini tested for Mensa- she is WAY too smart for her age! LOL!

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  16. I mean, obviously you can never leave Belle and Sara behind again. Well played, Mini, well played.

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  17. How geeky is it that I love we were probably at Disney at the same time? xoxoxoxoxo

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  18. That. Was. AWESOME.

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  19. It smells like infection, and makes her want to touch it - haa hahahaaa! I don't know why I find it so funny. But I snorked!

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  20. my best friend's son now 26 used to tell people that his mom tied him up with ropes. Usually while we were all having dinner in a restaurant.

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  21. Parenting Lesson #3452: Bring the dolls (ahem, I mean little sisters) along on all vacations.

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  22. My three-year old informed her daycare teacher last week that "my daddy scared me. He hit me inna face!" Because daddy made her sit still (which is torture) and wiped a tick off her hairline the day before. I'm guessing DCFS will turn up at our door more than once. Gosh, kids are fun. *snerk*

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  23. I think that would cause me to look at her and ask the question, "where is your mommy?" Then start to walk away...

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  24. You know, it's stories like this that always made me convinced that people had children solely for entertainment value. (But now I'm a mom, so... I feel you, sister!)

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  25. "I will never stop talking."

    I laughed from that all the way through the end. out loud. in my home. by myself. good show, mini.

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  26. I left my family at Disney World and had the time of my life for a couple of hours. I was probably 6 or so at the time. I expect payback next year when we take my daughter who will be 5.

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  27. Very funny! My daughter because upset when we leave stuffed animals at home. She seriously believes they are real and will not live if we leave them.

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  28. For two years my daughter was a little boy named Joshua. She was staying at our house with grandma and grandma (her dad and I), because her 5 brothers had chicken pox! She would not answer to her name, only Joshua and she made up stories about her "real" mom and her--One day I saw a scratch on her arm and when I asked her how she got it, she replied, "my mom and I were walking by a creek and I fell on a rock." When I told her we had never done that, she said, "not you, my other mom!" After many weeks of this kind of thing, I told her "I am sick of this other mommy!" She put her hands on her hips and with disgust in her voice, said, "She's just pretend!" (As if I didn't know!). This all happened when she was 3 and 4--she's 22 now and is mortified that I tell "Joshua" stories! I think "turn about is fair play!"

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  29. I have your daughter at age 13. Buckle up. It's going to be a wild one. :)

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  30. I am a 60+ grandmother of 3 and one on the way. Ages 7, 5, and 2. This had me laughing so hard the tears ran down my face. I love it and really think you should write a "Mini" book for parents of young children, parents-to-be, grandparents, and those who have missed out on these precious moments. Wonderful!!

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  31. My first one had imaginary friends that had extended family that popped in and out but the best story is when she was 4 I was 8 months preg with number 3 & number 2 was in the stroller. We were shopping at a large clothes store in mall and as we were leaving she was screeching that "Kinney" was still in the dressing room trying something on and we were leaving her behind. Because I was addled by babies and pregnancy rather than just be the grown up and leave I yelled for her to hurry up while my daughter dissolved into tears because I was being so mean to her best friend. Ahhh. Good times....

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  32. I am SO GLAD I am not the only one. If we call my NINE year old's American Girls "dolls" she immediately goes into complete meltdown mode. And when we go away, she definitely has to take them to a friend's house to watch them, whom she tries to convince me we need to call to make sure they are OK. Awesome.

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  33. ROFL...sorry, I know it's mortifying when kids do that, but it's just hilarious.

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  34. In preschool, my daugters talked so much about their brother that the teachers were constatntly asking if I was pregnant (i wasn't). Finally one of the teachers asked if my husband had "another family"

    They also had imaginary families, one was all blue and the other all pink. When I said no to something (like having cookies for breakfast) they would reply, "Well my pink and/or blue mother said YES!"

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  35. Four and a half, yes, I remember it well. The age when children become aware and fascinated by all things morbid. My cupcake once came out of her room, where she had stormed off because I wouldn't let her have her sister's popsicle, holding a jagged piece of chicken wire and saying "You know, I cut people when I'm angry." (Thankfully, she doesn't!) Also the age where she made up a song about blood raining down from the sky - on our drive back to the campground after a lovely sunny day at the water park. About as apropos of nothing as you could get!

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  36. OMG! Did our 4 year old sneak off to WDW with you?! Her "sister" Rihanna (no idea how she came up with that name) turns up in conversation at the most awkward times! (in the grocery store- "MOM! You left Rihanna in the car!"). Some of her other favorite rants, "You hurt my feelings." "I am still mad at you." "I am not your angel from heaven; I'm from Kazakhstan" (she is.). and just recently, coming out of the restroom at the crowded "Y"- Me: Did you wash your hands?" Her: "I don't need to. I didn't wipe." We're headed to WDW in September. I'm sure she'll have lots to say.

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  37. Finally getting around to reading this. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

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  38. Just snorted wine out of my nose reading this. Love that kid. She's awesome.

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  39. Thank you. That was awesome. Laugh out loud funny. Your conversations with Mini are the best.

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  40. Just reading this now -- so, so funny. My 6 year old has been telling random people for the last three years about how her daddy ran over her with the car when she was a baby. NO idea where that came from but she gets really angry when we tell her it never happened.

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  41. Before your next vacation take a picture of her with her "sisters". That way she can show them off and no one gives you the evil eye! That story is hilarious by the way.

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  42. When my older sister was small (in the mid-1950s) she used to tell people that our mother ran over a little girl with the car -- in great detail (description of the girl, time of day, etc.) and the exact same way every time. I think there was a brief point where my mother started to wonder if she had.

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  43. That is too funny. I love the part where Mini says she will "Never stop talking." P.S. next time pack the dolls.

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