Wednesday, June 5, 2013

It's Only 20 Feet

You know what's crazy? My kids and the car. It takes them 159 years from the time they hear "It's time to go" to when they actually get in the dang van. However, if they hear the ice cream truck then WHOOOOSH! They're out the door, with shoes on, in under 5 seconds. We all know this. It's one of the universal laws of parenting.

But we don't talk much about the other end of this equation. We don't talk about what is required to get kids from the car into the house. It's a problem that ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's not that bad. Then again sometimes I wonder if the three of them are working together to send me to the Nervous Hospital. Because it's only 20 feet, it just shouldn't be that hard. And yet... It is.

So I created a list of 10 rules (more like suggestions, really) to help my kids get from the car into the house without me needing a sedative.


(If you have trouble seeing the graphic, click on it to enlarge)



(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

51 comments:

  1. THE FRONT DOOR THING! Every. Single. Time. They crowd around it, staring at the doorknob like they're apes and it's a monolith. "What is it? What does it DOOOO? Why does it not turn when we yank on it?"
    And every single time I remind them that I can't REACH it to unlock it if they make a sweaty stinky barrier of their own little bodies between me, Holder of the Key, and the lock.
    Why, Lydia? WHY?

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    Replies
    1. Every friggin time. And never seem to grasp the concept that I CANNOT open it if all three of them are standing in front of the door pushing each other.

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  2. I think I will post these on the back of each seat in the car. Who cares that 2 out of 3 of the kids can't read yet. These rules are awesome enough to work by osmosis.

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  3. My favourite is how they all rush in when the door does get opened, then close it in my face as I try to enter with my hands full of all their crap. Or let the screen door slam into me, because gosh forbid somebody put out an elbow to hold it!

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  4. OMG I feel like you've reached into my brain and pulled EXACTLY what I think every day!! Minus the bad words in there...Pretty much every single one of these is true with my kiddos...in the am taking the oldest to school, at noon taking the middle child, then again in the afternoon picking them back up! Ahhh!

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    Replies
    1. What bad words?

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    2. I think she means the ones that are missing...at least that's what I thought.

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  5. Please stop taking notes while watching me try to get my kids out of my car. It's creepy.

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  6. I think you must spy on me...
    Lol! I LOVE this!

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  7. And how about arguing over who sits where????? When mine were smaller, we actually had to create a rotating schedule of who sat in the coveted "best" seat. Really???? you are all getting there at the same time, you all have enough room to be comfortable and you can all see out the windows. Or just get into your seat without playing with every loose toy or paper in the car on your way to your seat! Now, years later, they can all drive themselves (which is another whole set of issues!) and I can get in and out of my car all by myself. *sigh* you will miss these crazy car years. But I do have fewer tics while driving.

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  8. Umm, YES. A million times over.

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  9. Epic! I would add: "After everyone has exited the car, please close the car door, gently. Do not slam the door in your sibling's face, or close the door on your sibling's appendage. Do not leave the door hanging open for wild animals to enter our car."
    Also, "Please close the window (that you insisted on opening, despite Mommy telling you NO 12 times) so that tonight's thunderstorms do not soak your seat (which you will refuse to sit on tomorrow)."

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    Replies
    1. Have you had the time when the last one out goes out the "wrong" door and you leave a door open in the mall parking lot for the entire 2 hours you are there?

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    2. Yes. My older son had been closing "his" door while I got the baby, but one day he just didn't and I didn't notice until we came out of the grocery store. All the way opened not cracked. Our car trash on full display.

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    3. Thought that only happened to me!

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    4. Totally had this happen last month. Only it was my husband's fault! He got the baby out and apparently didnt feel it his duty to push the easy-close button. The best part is that it started snowing while we were inside and we came back to a freaking drift in our van. Awesome.

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  10. Have you ever noticed that the amount of time it takes them to get OUT of the car is directly proportional to the equation of: Outdoor Temps + How bad mommy has to pee= time spent getting out of car x 100

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    Replies
    1. perfect equation. (add a slight variance for pms).

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  11. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but....
    It does NOT get better as they get older. It does, in fact, get WORSE. Just to add to the list:

    **your oldest (my 15 yr old) will want to start the car/van...and won't stop turning the key JUST IN CASE ITS NOT REALLY STARTED.
    **the teenage girl (13) will ignore ALL requests (to get in, get out, move, BREATH) because she is too busy drooling over pics on her phone of the group, One Direction.
    **the pre-teen (11) will STILL race to get out of the van, tripping over his untied shoelaces, just to beat everyone to the front door in victory, and then body slamming into said door, JUST IN CASE IT WASN'T CLOSED ALL THE WAY. and LOCKED.
    **the baby/toddler/pre-schooler (age 4) will unbuckle himself and join you in the front of the van before you put said van in park. BECAUSE HE WANTED TO HELP.

    and they wonder why I have grey hairs sprouting out of my head at the age of 36....

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    Replies
    1. LOL I'm already going through all these ones too, but mine are 11, 8 and 3. I died about the "teenage girl" one, you described exactly what my 11 year old does. ;)

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  12. I read this to my sister, a single mom of two, and she was all "YES and why do they feel the need to take off their shoes EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. we go somewhere. And then the socks come off and get left behind so there are never any to wash and they refuse to go back out to the car to retrieve them because 'It's dark outside/I'm not wearing underwear/I just got out of the shower/I'm tired.' It NEVER ends."

    My sister needs a personal assistant. And Zoloft.

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  13. Oh flacid yogurt tubes, how I hate you. Got back from a 4 hour road trip recently and had to vacuum out the exploded remains of a small bag of Cheezits. Did they actually eat any of them? Feel your pain sister!

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  14. My daughter drives me CRAAAAAZZZZY with the amount of time it takes her to get in he car seat! She's got to question everything, it's too hot, it's too cold, she wants this, what's that...UGH! And then getting out...we are on a busy street and her car seat will sometimes be on the side of the street and I'll say "okay, we've got a window of opportunity! Let's go!" and she'll peer out:
    "where's the cars mommy?
    "They're coming, they are just at the light,LET'S GO!"
    Still peering, not getting out, "Oh, I see them. They are at the light."
    "Yes, I just told you that. Now. Let's. GO!"
    "But mommy they aren't coming"
    "I KNOW! That's why you need to hurry!"
    "Oh mommy, here they come!"
    "(*&@#(&*%^*&@#$!"

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  15. Yes! I'd like to add one for my daughter. Do not immediately bolt across the street to play with your friends before mommy has had time to even get out of the car!

    And, I call myself the "pack mule" because as she flings herself from the car (and across the street to the neighbor's house) I'm left to pick up my purse, my work bag, her bookbag, her shoes and socks and whatever other mess is in my car.

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  16. Reading your blog I sometimes wonder if you're actually at my house watching, which would be creepy, but would explain why these make me laugh so hard. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not the only mom out here about to lose her mind over the "fun" things my kids do:-)

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  17. Crying with laughter!! You planted a hidden camera in my car, didn't you??!! So funny!!-Ashley

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  18. Very funny! My kids are great, but even though we have't the SMALLEST of front yards, they do somehow find a way to take forever and take incredibly long to get into the house after school! So, I often forget to close the van door (we don't have automatic), because I run in with groceries, etc., and because it's a while before they follow me in, I forget that the door is still open!

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  19. I have one to add. Please close the F-ING van door if you're the last one out. I do not have enough fingers to count how many times I have come outside 4 hours later to find the door still open and mosquitos making a home in there. Once the hubby was working late, I'd gotten the kids to bed, and was taking a bath. Knock on the door. My poor male neighbour got a view of me dripping wet wrapped in a towel as the poor chap was just coming over to let me know that the DAMN VAN DOOR WAS OPEN. I'm seriously going to lose my schmidt over the van door.

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  20. Oh, here's a good one......when your mom and/or dad pull up in the driveway.....that's your cue to stay out of the way, don't even come near a moving car. Every single time it's been this way with my now 11 year old son. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME!

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  21. How about - if we're coming home from grocery shopping (and I'm nearly at the end of my rope already from the *awesomeness* that is the grocery store with 3 kids) PLEASE grab a bag or two. To the 12 year old boy who plays football...please don't complain that the bags are too heavy. To the 10 year old girl...please don't say your hands are *full* when you only have your tiny purse containing your DS slung over your wrist. To the 4 year old...you're old enough to carry toilet paper - I'd also let you carry the bread, but I don't want the loaf to look like a pancake. And PLEASE - someone hold the dang door while I schlep in 8 grocery bags - PER ARM. You all want to eat, right?

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  22. haha.... I have found a way to combat at least 2 of these problems. I keep the car in drive when we park so they can't open the sliding doors on the van. This way I can get their full attention (haha) and give them instructions before they bolt. One of them always makes it to my door asking for the keys, which solves the congregating at the front door problem, but then I am left without keys until I can find them again. Sort of a victory (I will take any I can get).

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  23. You are a bad ass mo fo to let your kids eat yogurt tubes in the car. We are a household of premature yogurt ejaculators around here, and my kids can't even be trusted with squeezable yogurt inside the house.

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    Replies
    1. I'm with you Amy. We are anti-yogurt-in-the-car. All milk products for that matter.

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  24. Also, once the door is opened, there will be a dog standing there. She lives in this house too and is always there to say hi and welcome home every time we open the door. This is EVERYDAY, sometimes several times a day!!! You don't have to freak out like some strange wild animal is going to attack you, just go in... If you stand at the door yelling, she will come out to figure out what you're yelling about... JUST GO IN!!!!!!!!!!!

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  25. Do they think it is Ba Da Bing in the back seat? Why do they strip? WHY!? Some sort of foot fetish thing going on back there. Keep the shoes on.

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    Replies
    1. I still believe kids are allergic to shoes and socks - mine are now 14,12 & 11, and the first thing they do when they get in the car is take them off. Not very nice after sporting activities!!! Smells like wild billy goats :-P

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  26. We still have the child-proof locks on the doors, so Thing 1 and Thing 2 cannot open them from the inside. HOWEVER: Often, when hubs is driving and mom-in-law is riding shotgun and I am sitting between two boys in the back seat who smell like school recess, the whole family exits the car, then shuts the door leaving me in the middle of the back seat. I sat there for 14 minutes once before they realized I was stuck in the back seat. I mean, I could have climbed up into the front, but when was the last time you had 14 quiet and alone minutes?

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  27. Oh so true. My three year old is the SLOWEST child ever at getting out of his car seat. I don't know why. I unbuckle him, have time to go grab groceries out of the back, pick up some stuff, unlock the door and WTF HE IS STILL IN THE CAR.

    Unless, of course, his sister is there racing to the door. Then he throws himself out, head first, onto the asphalt driveway to go do the door thing.

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  28. Oh heck yeah!!!! So funny because it's true!!

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  29. And why, dear child who spent the whole ten-minute drive complaining I'm-hungry-and-I-need-to-go-potty-and-I-want-to-watch-a-show-and-I'm-thirsty, why are you UP A TREE by the time I get our stuff out of the trunk??

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  30. These are all so true! To add to the list, my children suddenly become Houdini in their car seats and somehow squirm their little bodies halfway out of their belts. Unfortunately they can't get the entire way out and end up with one arm stuck in the strap and then begin yelling at me from the back of the van as if I can stop in the middle of traffic to free their trapped arm!

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  31. Corollary to #6 -- if someone is getting out of "your" door, do not shut it in their face or on their fingers. The world will not actually come to an end if somebody else uses your door.

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