Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Parent to Kid Dictionary

You guys, wait until you meet Robyn. She is one of the women who contributed to the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone" with me. She's perfection. Like a fluffy kitten or a perfectly ripe cantalope. I puffy heart love her and so will you. Here's her bio:

Robyn Welling is a freelance writer and humorist at HollowTree Ventures, where she isn't afraid to embarrass herself — and frequently does. She loves sarcasm, wine, beer, other bottled items, long walks on the beach, and her husband. Oh, and her kids are okay, too. Her goals include becoming independently wealthy, followed by world domination and getting her children to clean their rooms. Until then, she'll just fold laundry and write about the shortcuts she takes on her journey to becoming a somewhat passable wife, mother, and human being. If history is any guide, she'll miss the mark entirely. You can find her avoiding responsibility on FacebookTwitter, and Pinterest.

I used to be convinced that my kids just flat out didn't listen to me. I'd say stuff that had no impact whatsoever on their behavior, or - worse yet - they'd do the exact opposite of what I'd asked them to do. But then I realized the situation is far less sinister than all that. They're listening to me, they just speak a different language. And since few adults still speak Kid fluently, due mostly to the fact that the roots of Kid language are deeply embedded in nonsense, gobbledygook, and idiot talk, often our kids' responses don't seem to make sense. That's why I'm here - to clarify why our children appear to be ignoring us and defying our wishes, with a breakdown of what you say, versus what they hear when it's translated to Kid.

Parent says: Dress warm - it's cold out!
Kid hears: This would be the perfect day for you to wear a tutu and some legwarmers pulled up to your knees.

Parent says: Stop pouting about walking to school in the rain.
Kid hears: If you keep pouting, a limousine will fly down from the sky and take you to the Video Game Planet, where all they eat is cake and buttery popcorn and nobody ever has to go to school or walk anywhere, which I never told you about before because I'm mean.

Parent says: Let's go, we're late!
Kid hears: Go in your room, change your shirt, start looking for a toy or book you'd like to bring along, find a piece of gum under your bed, chew it, get gum stuck in your hair, stab your sibling with a pencil, and wait for me to yell for you again.

Parent says: Don't get too far ahead.
Kid hears: Call me from Timbuktu when you get there.

Parent says: I'm going to check in a minute to make sure your room's clean.
Kid hears: Keep playing with your toys, then shove everything under the bed when you hear me coming.

Parent says: I want to get a nice picture of all of you together.
Kid hears: ...with your butts sticking up in the air.

Parent says: Quit jumping on the couch!
Kid hears: Quit jumping on the couch... until I leave the room. Then continue jumping on the couch.

Parent says: Don't make me come in there!
Kid hears: You're safe, I'm way too tired to get up.

Parent says: Don't do that - you could get hurt!
Kid hears: I don't know anything about safety. Go ahead and try it your way.

Parent says: Stop making faces - you're in trouble. It isn't funny.
Kid hears: Make at least fifty more faces to show me how wrong I am.

Parent says: Don't touch that.
Kid hears: Get four inches away from that and hover over it like a starving vulture.

Parent says: Don't get your clothes all dirty.
Kid hears: Do whatever you want.

Parent says: No more Froot Loops.
Kid hears: Eat whatever you want.

Parent says: That's not how we wear sunglasses.
Kid hears: Wear whatever you want.
Parent says: No.
Kid hears: Maybe.

Parent says: No!
Kid Hears: Probably.

Parent says: I said no!
Kid hears: Ask me again in two minutes.

Parent says: NO!!!
Kid hears: Yes.

 (c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

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