Thursday, June 6, 2013

Things I Learned in College... But Not in Class

This post comes to you from my buddy Amy over at Funny is Family and is part of the series of guest posts featuring the bad ass mama jammas who contributed with me on the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". Here's what you need to know about her:
Amy and her husband made two kids, a four year old girl and a six year old boy. She does not consider herself a housewife, as she owns no pearls and only one apron. Amy has been featured on BlogHer, Aiming Low, Mamapedia, Scary Mommy, and Bonbon Break; and is a contributor to the best-selling book, I Just Want to Pee Alone. You can find her laughing at the absurdity of parenting on Facebook and Twitter, and pinning things she’ll never do on Pinterest. She writes embarrassing stories about her family and herself at Funny is Family
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1. Go easy on the ranch dressing, unless you want to buy all new pants to accommodate your ranch ass.

2. In less than ten years, that friend who accidentally brushes her teeth with a tampon after a night out is a mom. An awesome one.

3. If your boyfriend is a cheater in high school, what the hell do you think he's going to do in college? I guess the question should be WHO do you think he's going to do? Because the answer is everyone he can.

4. If you know someone who "dated a star football player for a few weeks," it really means they hooked up twice.

5. Just because the dining hall will make you a grilled cheese on white bread (GC-dub) every day for every meal, you don't have to order it every day for every meal. Similarly, if there is an afternoon nacho bar, you don't need to hit that up every day between GC-dubs.

6. College is a great time to reinvent yourself. But not so much when your roommate is a high school friend, and  most of the people you hang out went to your high school, too.

7. It is possible to be at a bar when it opens, and stay until it closes. Even with an unfortunate bout of diarrhea about two hours in.

8. Zero cashiers think it's cute when you purchase a pack of cigarettes with nickels and pennies.

9. Not all cheap beer is made the same. I'm looking at you, Natural Ice, you sick sonofabitch.

10. Attending class is actually pretty important. Pretend it's work. You'll have to do that someday, too.

11. When you and your friends rent a hot tub to put in the parking lot of your apartment complex on graduation weekend, it's helpful to have a friend who works for the apartment rental company. She can go in early on Monday morning and erase all of the noise complaints. Also, don't be afraid to ask the hot tub delivery guy to do a beer run. You're in a bikini. He'll do it.

12. Establish a bar name. Share it with creepers who you don't want to give your real name. Do not, however, use it on the guy who is friends with your bestie. When you are in that friend's wedding, and your real name is listed on the program, it will be awkward.

13. If you are a terrible beer bonger, STOP TRYING. You'll just keep drenching shirts and choking.

14. Get to know people. This is the place you'll meet some of your best friends. And maybe your future spouse.

15. But not that guy. Don't waste too much time on that one. You know he's not the one. Everyone knows he's not the one.

16. When your younger brother is a freshman at the same college, make sure he lives next door so he can share the care packages that your mom sends him. You know, the ones she never sent to you. Not even when you were a homesick freshman. Not even when she's sending them to your brother who lives right next door, did you think I wasn't going to find out, what the hell MOM?

17. Being without a car in college sucks. But not as much as having a car. Everyone wants a ride, all the time. Kind of like owning a truck as an adult, and having to help everyone move sofas and shit every weekend.

18. A great pair of Doc Martens will get you through anything. Except snow and ice. For a shoe with such a rugged bottom, they are as slippery as a fresh pair of heels.

19. Visit your parents. But not too much.

20. Pay attention in computer lab. That internet is going to be a big deal.

22 comments:

  1. #20 is great. My senior year of college was a big deal. 2 of the 60+ computers in the computer lab got the 'world wide web'. I tried looking at some pics my dad sent me. It took 20 minutes to download just one. I remember thinking, this will never take off...famous last words..lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your dad knew how to send pictures? Fancy!

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  2. Sending this to my daughter who starts college soon. Maybe she'll stop begging for a car.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now she'll just be asking for a hot tub.

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  3. Still laughing! hahaha And relaying to my husband. :)

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  4. Yikes! And I thought my apron selection was sparse! Poor Amy. Oh And she forgot the most important lesson of all. Befriend the kitchen staff in the dining halls and the nice people that sell coffee because at some point you are going to be low on cash or points whatever your school uses and it's handy to have friends flip a burger your way when your starving. They just toss out the extras at the end of the day anyway. And, I drank a lot of free coffee because I was nice to the coffee shop employees. You'd be surprised how far a pleasant smile and a "How are you?" where you actually care about the answer will go. Besides we all should be nicer to people anyway.

    Oh And when you don't have cash to do laundry febreze and a hair dryer makes things smell almost laundry fresh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Burger sneaking in the dining hall?! That's it. I'm going back to college, and I'm going to do it right this time.

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  5. Replies
    1. What is it with these parents? Who thinks that's okay?!

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  6. right, especially about the ranch, sweet jesus

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad I wasn't the only one. Did you have to ask for bigger pants for Christmas, too?

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  7. wish I woulda been more on the ball with #20, but then again, did we know that 20 years ago?

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    Replies
    1. I think that one caught many of us by surprise. You're in good company!

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  8. Number 11. Seriously? That sounds epic! Can we be friends?!

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    Replies
    1. #11 WAS epic. Let's be friends and kick off our friendship by renting a parking lot hot tub. The neighbors will hate us, but we'll have a blast!

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  9. Yes, all of the above! I especially like #'s 1 and 2. And 14.

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  10. I take exception with #18. I have a pair of the Doc Marten's work boots and they don't slip unless you step in cooking grease and then on tile. But the bottoms are so huge that it takes a while for you to fall... LOL

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