Here's the thing about parenting that Mini has taught me: some days the hardest part of raising kids is the not laughing. Also? That's one of the best parts.
I asked you wonderful people to share the words that your kids have gotten wrong (that were unintentionally hilarious as well as being offensive and/or horrifying). Your kids are awesome. Here's part 1 of the funniest ones you sent me.
(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013
My 20 month old says "shit" constantly in place of sit or seat.
ReplyDeleteLaughed till I cried and until I got the stink eye from my husband! Love this.
ReplyDeleteI was taking my 9 year old to get a gardasil shot this week and my 8 year old son asked, "Why do you have to get a stinking shot?" She responded, "So I don't get rabies! Duh!"
While driving we started to get in the habit of saying "good for you" to drivers who cut us off etc... On a road trip a "good for you" moment came up and my son (then I think around 2) yells from the back seat "funny pie cooker!" No idea where that came from but it is AMAZING. It is the best curse word substitution ever -- seriously -- try it while you're on the road....
ReplyDeletemy two year old says 'cock' instead of truck or clock or duck. Yes, and I deny it and translate it immediately and often in public.
ReplyDeleteSo does mine!! And we've gotten caught by soooo many truck drivers on our street... UPS, FedEx, Kentwood. He points and screams "BIG COCK" and I'm all "Yes honey that is a big truck" while running in the house as fast as possible.
DeleteOMG!!! I fell off my chair!!! Too Funny. You made my day! hahaha Butt Knuckle!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad not the only one with a kid that uses "hooker" for a word. That's what he calls the hitch on trucks. He said in a very busy grocery store: "Mommy, does Daddy have a hooker in his truck?"
ReplyDeleteLove this! My daughter, who will be 4 in less than a month, misuses the word "hangers" all the time. That's what she calls my boobs.
ReplyDeleteWhile grocery shopping, my now 11 year old (then one) excitedly screamed out a Jew a Jew in the juice/kosher isle. My 8 year old use to refer to a friend, named Nicki, as Dicky...I have about a million others...I regularly face palm myself in public haha
ReplyDeleteWhen my 21-year-old was 2, he has a phone conversation with my VERY religious mother, in which he told her how much he loves "fains and fucks and hairfanes..."
ReplyDeleteWhen I took the phone back from him, all she could manage was, "Whaaaat did he say???" I quickly said, "Trucks, Mom....trucks!"
Now he is married with an almost 2-year-old of his own, and I can't wait to see what my squishy grandson pulls out!
My three year old daughter says "f*ck" for truck. When she's outside playing with the neighbors she likes to warn everyone to get out of the street by yelling "The mail f*ck is here!!!" My least favorite of her "words" though is hungry. Which she pronounces "horn-ree" I keep her well fed in public.
ReplyDeletemy 5 year old daughter calls wasabi peas zombie peas, cheese curls are pouch fingers and eye gookies are eye cookies. these moments are some of the best of what makes parenting awesome for sure
ReplyDeleteMy son's friend accidentally said "testicle" instead of "exercise equipment". We were driving past a park and he said "Wow, look at all those testicles!" Needless to say, everyone in the car just about died laughing.
ReplyDeleteWhen my six year old was 2-3 he would say "Dick" instead of stick, we lived in town houses at the time and would be out playing fetch with our dog and Lander would tell everyone "that's my dog lola, she likes big dicks" and my now three year old is obsessed with trucks OBSESSED so if someone has a truck he asks if he can ride in their big truck but it comes out sounding like "can i ride your big cock" (whyyyyyyy does truck sound like cock!?!?)
ReplyDelete-Alexa
OMG!!! Tears rolling down my cheeks from all the funny here. I really loved the Baxter, that was the best.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter used to call blackberries, "black babies" as in ,"I could eat black babies all day long!" I should add that we're a white family from Alabama living up north, you know...cuz that just makes it all the more horrifying!
ReplyDeleteOoh, and recently I let fly a MF bomb when a jerkwad cut me off. From the backseat I heard, "Mommy, why did you call that guy a mother father?" It's become our family curse word of choice.
We went out to a very nice brazilian steak house for mother's day and I asked my 2.5 yr old "do you want to eat steak?" And he looked at me horrified and said "no, I can't want eat snake!" I was dying!
ReplyDeleteMy 9 year old son was telling me about a time he had an accident and his dad had him throw away his undies because they were out, then he had to go 'psycho'. You know, when you don't wear underwear? Took me a minute to figure out he meant 'Commando.' Cracked me up.
ReplyDeleteMy son used to say "erections" for directions. Which was funny when my husband had him in a men's room and there were directions on how to flush the toilet on the wall in the stall. My son tells his dad in the stall with him(in that oh so loud toddler voice) Look at the all the erections dad!
ReplyDeleteI was dying laughing....
My 3 yr old son says bitch for fish;) lol cracks me up. At the lake-aquarium-toy isle w fish.... he says momma did u see that big bitch? ;)
ReplyDeleteWhen my son was two and his love affair with trucks and trains was just budding, he would play with Percy the train and a truck and yell the entire time "Pussy! Cock!".
ReplyDeleteI never corrected him.
But still. What did Mini mean when she sang, "Like a labia"?? Also, I work at the National High Magnetic Field Lab the mag lab as it is known here). My doctor and her son came to visit during an open house. The next day during show and tell he told everyone that over the weekend his mom took him to the METH LAB. He even described it. "There was ice and smoke and then some crystals came out". We were making ice cream with nitrogen-cooled stuffs. heh heh.
ReplyDeleteI was at marshals with my two kids and as I'm rounding a corner in shoes I said to my son 'oh, they have crocs.'. Once in the isle he says loudly 'Mommy likes cocks!' ...I said 'ummmm, we will have to work on that word.', but a young(er) man had heard it and he kept laughing the whole time I was in the store.
ReplyDeleteOne night while I was giving my almost 3 year-old his bath, I decided it was time we started using the correct terms instead of pee-pee like we always had. So I explained to him that boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. So he confirmed which one his dad had and which one I had. When bath time was over, he runs up to his father and says to him with a tremendous amount of excitement: "Daddy, Daddy! You have a penis and Mommy has a generator!!!" I had to leave the room.
ReplyDeleteLmao!
DeleteWhen our friends daughter was little, she used to love brocoli but when she would say it, it sounded like "f*&kin a"! She screamed, "I want f*&kin a!" in the middle of a nice restaurant. Lol
ReplyDeleteMummies/ Mommies
ReplyDeleteSome Mommies have red eyes and are SPOOOOOOKY!
My daughter says Diarrhea instead of Caffeine. So she will say “Does this Peppy have diarrhea in it?” Oh and she says Peppy instead of Pepsi. It took a while to figure out what she meant to say.
ReplyDeleteMy youngest daughter says Daddy has a "peanut" instead of penis. I think it's hilarious. My husband, not so much!!
ReplyDeleteMy 20 month old says "shit" instead of thanks. Clear as can be. Do you know how hard it is to say "you're welcome, dear" after she smiles and says "shit". Pretty hard.
ReplyDeleteThis. Is. AWESOME. hahaha
DeleteMy 22 month old had an opposite, yet hilarious one. As I put her up for nap one day she was loudly objecting she yelled "This is bushes!" (Instead of bulls--t)
ReplyDeleteWe had to decide what to cll my parents when my daughter was born, so we came up with Me-mom and Grand-pop. Unfortunately as my daughter learned to talk she would scream Grand-cock so he quickly was remaned Pe-Pop so we could really work on saying P
ReplyDeleteMy daughter used to say cock instead of shark. We were in Target once and she saw a giant blow up shark and she shouted, "Look at that big cock! I love cock!" Hand to god. My husband almost died.
ReplyDeleteMy son was obsessed with firetrucks as a toddler. He loved to yell, "I wanna see a firef*ck! Firef*ck! Firef*ck" in the middle of a store.
ReplyDeleteok so my 5 year old is sitting at the table... and keeps sneezing right over her plate... yuk right?... well my 8 year old says.... "look mom, sneezenings" we laughed so hard it took us almost a month to make them stop pretending to sneeze on the food.
ReplyDeleteMy 3 year old used to call her socks "cocks" Found myself explaining often! My brother used to ask her what those things on her feet were, just to hear her say it (jerk) LOL.
ReplyDeleteWhen I opted to sit between my twins instead of next to my 5 year old at dinner, she said "What am I, trash litter"? "Chopped liver, Sugar, I think you mean chopped liver."
ReplyDeleteMy boys (2&4) love sticks. Except when big brother says stick it comes out as "dick". Which is awesome when he's taking about sticks in public. Especially about he and his brother swordfighting with their sticks.
ReplyDeleteOur two year old son calls our good friend, whose name is Dominic, "Dumb Dick". He will run in the room when he sees him and shouts "Hi Dumb Dick!" It is so embarrassing, but you can't help but laugh. I'm sure when he grows up and understands what he said we will all get a good laugh at it!
ReplyDeleteCan't.Breathe. Ahahahaha
DeleteA fourth grade student of mine used the word hooker to mean a paperclip. I FLIPPED OUT and nearly sent him to the principals office for yelling to the class, "I need a hooker! Someone give me a hooker!!!" When I figured out what he meant, I felt terrible!
ReplyDeleteAlso, my three year old uses "bath" instead of "half" so she always tells us to cut her sandwich into two baths. AND she uses "reputation" instead of "invitation" as in, "My Grammy has a reputation for the party." Took me a while to figure that one out!
Peanuts and china for penis and vagina, still laughing!!
ReplyDeleteMy youngest calls Christmas ornament hooks "hookers"- we were decorating the tree this past year and she kept telling me she needed more hookers! :)
ReplyDeletevery funny! my son can't make a "st" sound yet; at the park last week: "his dog is smelling my dick."
ReplyDeletein our atheist home my daughter comes home from school telling me she is concerned that if i don't believe in god i won't have a turtle life- "eternal."
My youngest was once asked if she knew what to do when someone was choking. She responded with, yes - the hyman remover. The Heimlich Manuever is never spoke of without laughter in my house now.
ReplyDeletepeeing my pants here...
DeleteMy 6 year old was reading the word count, but it came out c*nt....Also a few years back a girlfriends house, her three year old neighbor was playing with a fake vaccum in the living room, and she began to threaten to Suck us up (with the vaccum), but it sounded like she was saying she was going to f*ck us up. (considering the way her parents talked it would not have been a suprise to myself or our neighbor if that was what she really was saying)
ReplyDeleteMy daughter was playing with her dinosaurs and discovered a new dinosaur, the Peckadon, which she promptly named Pecker, and then was yelling out, "My Pecker is knocking down the block towers!"
ReplyDeleteMy 19 month old when trying to say lotion, it comes out sounding like "bullshit" It is so funny!! My 15 yr old trys to correct her as we laugh!
ReplyDeleteMy niece used to call her vagina her 'hole in china.' Love it!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has the same nipple/freckle confusion noted in the chart. It was fabulous when she told her dance teacher that she had a nipple on her neck, and her sister has one on her bottom.
My son was three and loved cocktail sause on most anything. He just could not say it right lol one day while shopping my son goes mommy dont forget more cock sause for my nuggets. There was a stock boy loading up the shelves right there he almost fell off the ladder laughing so hard.
ReplyDeleteMy son and my husband eat cereal together every morning. Check is a big favorite. "I love Chex!" "I want some Chex!" "Daddy, do you like Chex?" etc, etc. I will let you figure out how this is getting mispronounced...
ReplyDeleteButt knuckle! *DIES!*
ReplyDeleteWhen my son was a toddler, instead of saying diarrhea, he said his bottom was throwing up! :)
When my daughter was four, we were cutting up strawberries for dessert. I sprinkled a bit of sugar on them, then said, "We will leave these to mascerate for a little while...that means they will get juicy."
ReplyDeleteAfter supper, my daughter picked up the bowl of berries and said, "These have masturbated a lot, Mommy...they're really juicy now!"
We never eat strawberries now without thinking of that day!
C- and K- sounds are still tough for my toddler, so she often tells people they have "soft titties" when she means "soft kitties". At least I assume she means kitties...maybe not.
ReplyDeleteMy son looooves the Avengers, but it took me forever to realize that he was talking about Hawkeye when hewalked around forever talking about how much he loved the "Hot Guy"!
ReplyDelete*Chuckle* I would have thought he meant Loki.
DeleteMy daughter used to call a watch a "clock" except she said it like "cock" so one day "Daddy has a big cock [clock]"
ReplyDeleteMy son calls Hawkeye "Hot Guy" too. He says it's because all the girls like him.
ReplyDeleteCraft store = Crap store in our house.
ReplyDeleteBlueberries are Boobies in our house... Boo Bewies originally but shortened when Grandmad reacted to an innocant comment one day "Did she just say Boobies!" The toddler thought this was hilarious and now only says Boobies with a devilish grin on her face
ReplyDeleteI used to nanny a little girl and when she was 2 she had a play kitchen in her bedroom. One day I asked her, "Are you cooking with gas?" Her response, "Yeah! I'm cooking with ass!" I thought for sure I was done for.
ReplyDeleteI also used to work in a daycare with 14-24 month old. I got them when they were first learning to speak. I didn't have children of my own at the time and didn't realize how words were altered in the mind of a toddler until they started telling their parents about the bitches. Needless to say, we only referred to them as pants from then on.
So I work in childcare. Some good ones this week:
DeleteThe toddler who loves trucks, calling out DUMP TRUCK - but mispronouncing both words. ("Dumb F*ck!") OF course this would be when a tour was going through that classroom.
My 5 year olds playing with tools. "Can you screw me?" "Sure, but I have to screw myself first, and then she's next." "Just screw it already!" "I can't, I hammered!"
"Teacher, can you tie this bandana so it covers my nipples?(she meant eyebrows???)"
When my son was into Thomas the Train he would say pussy instead of Percy. Yikes!
ReplyDeleteWhen my son was into Thomas thge Train, he would say Pussy instead of Percy!
ReplyDeleteMy nephew used to call uncle Ben, "uncle butt knuckle"!! He also called diarrhea "water poos"!
ReplyDeleteMy 4 year old calls them "Squirty poops" lol
DeleteWe were planning on going to Gatorland so I asked my 3 year old if he wanted to go see snakes. He said "I don't like skanks!" I let him know that I don't like them either, but that his father use to =)
ReplyDeleteWe recently visited daddy's office and everyone crowded around to see our almost two year old twins. my husband picked Ella up so she could see everyone and she spotted a plastic frog on someone's desk and said "fuck." awkward silence.
ReplyDeleteMy twin daughters used to call a hotel a "ho-and-tell"...no idea where that came from, but we could not stop trying to get them to say it!
ReplyDeletemine calls them 'ho-towels.'
DeleteMy co-worker's little boy calls Pitt Bull - Pimple.
ReplyDeleteWhen my son was into Thomas the Train he would call Percy, Pussy.
ReplyDeleteThis is totally hilarious! I needed a really good laugh today and this made my day! I laughed til I cried. Oh my.. Thank you for this!
ReplyDeleteMy 5-year-old, in trying to write a story about Ninjas, wrote "niga." Soooooo not funny.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter called macaronis 'cockaronis', She called a Daddy Long Leg spider a 'Momma Fuzzy Leg' and she recently told me she could feel the cats suckers, known to us as nipples.
ReplyDeleteMy youngest has trouble with blending letters. So instead of stop he says top, three becomes tree - you get the picture. One day he came up to me and said, "Mommy, cunts are smelly'. After an initial WTF?! moment I realized he was saying skunks. Fortunately we were home alone at the time.
ReplyDeleteWhen my two year old son would say hungry is sounded like horny. And like most kids truck was f* ck. My sister-in-law would make him say hungry trucker which came out horny f*cker. He would also say loudly "me so hungry" or "me so horny" while we were out.
ReplyDeleteI was a nanny for a set of triplets and they called their vaginas their "front buts". My family still laughs about it.
ReplyDeleteMy 18 mos old LOVES applesauce. She calls it "ass sauce." In church last Sunday, she pulled a pouch out of the diaper bag and loudly told us that she wanted some ass sauce. Needless to say, she lightened up a very dry homily!!
ReplyDeleteMy two year old loved my husband's truck, because it was deep blue and almost purple color and because she rarely got to ride in it because it wasn't a good carseat vehicle. But unfortunately she couldn't say truck and could say fuck. And wanted us all to know that she "loves daddy's fuck." Ugh!!! I warned all friends, teachers, pastors, grandparents, therapists, ect about the mix and couldn't wait until she could say a "tr" sound! They all thought it was hilarious.
ReplyDeleteMy kid said truck just fine, f*ck was reserved for misprouncing the word fork instead. So, as a two year old, we often only gave him spoons. Not a big deal at home; he got a spoon. But in restaurants, he would get the silverware rolled up in those napkins. And inevitably it would have a fork in it. We would try to be all sly about taking them away, because if he saw it, he would scream "I wanna f*ck!" over and over. And over. And the crowds of people would stare at us. And they would judge.
ReplyDeleteIn related news, Mommy has a bad potty mouth and loves to say "oh shit." We taught our child that if you hold a cup to your ear you can hear the ocean. If he would say "oh shit," mimicking his mommy like children often do, we would try to convince others that he wanted to put cups on his ears to listen to the ocean.
My son calls his tennis shoes "rubber go fasties." Now he is convinced that Nike's are rubber go fasties and tells people who aren't wearing them that they are slow. Perfect strangers in Walmart minding their own business when my chunky three year old runs along side them saying, "You slow! You not fast! I got my go fasties on!"
ReplyDeleteWhen my 3 year old daughter was younger she couldn't say fork and it came out "fuck", so she'd sit at the table hollering "I need a fuck!!" My oldest daughter had a hard time with bench, it came out "bitch", and vacuum somehow came out "fuck you"
ReplyDeleteMy 2 year old had a stomach virus a few months ago... "Mommy, I has stinkyrrhea!"
ReplyDeleteI was picking my youngest son up from daycare one day (he was 3 at the time) and was informed by the staff that, "He was using some very grown up words". I was really hoping he hadn't dropped the F bomb. Nope. Apparently, another child was being very chatty at nap time and my son told him, "If you don't shut your pie-hole, I'm going to kick your ass." I'm not sure where he heard that but I suspect his older brother was involved.
ReplyDeleteNever been so embarrassed as when my son(2) at a very large dinner party at a crowded restaurant announced over everyone "I wove womans and wines!". Lemons and limes!
ReplyDeleteWhen my cousin was about 3 or 4, he somewhere heard the song "Play That Funky Music" and became obsessed with it, loudly singing "Play that F***ing music white boyyyy!!" in places like the grocery store, or church....
ReplyDeleteMy 8 year old called the tie downs for our beach umbrellas "strap ons"! "Mom, I'm going to go out there and play with the strap ons". OMG.
ReplyDelete