OH NO. It's Back to School. Time to Give it Up.

Photo credit: Anankkml

Hello! Lydia here. I'm waving at you like your embarrassing 7th grade friend. HIYEEEE!!!!!

I have to go buy school supplies this weekend and I'm not happy about it. I like this summer and I don't want it to be over. My kids are actually being pretty cool and I'm terrified that it's going to stop and be a big goat rodeo again. When everything starts back up in the fall, it's always a big beehive of activity. There will too many things to do and all the bees in my brain will be buzzing all the time trying to keep track of it all. So I would like the rest of this summer to be slllllooooww and boring. So slow and boring that we are aching to get back to into action in September.

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Who Is the Smartest?

Photo Credit: CreativeOxFoto

Every night, I lie down with my 4 year old Mini for a few minutes to help her fall asleep. Yes, I know. She's four and I still do that. You can stop judging me now.

Every night she wants to talk and I want her to go to sleep. Every night she asks me questions trying to get me to engage and every night I walk that fine line between tuning her out in a calm, zen-filled way and falling completely asleep for the night.

Week Seven of Summer and I...

This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

I love this woman so much. We went on TV together one time and we had so much fun. This is us being nervous before the show. She's the hot one with short hair (the other hot one is Teri from Snarkfest). More on Bethany: 

Bethany is a mom to 4 healthy, busy, noisy, smelly, happy boys. She is exhausted by the enormity of it all. Every day. Simultaneously meeting the needs of 4 kids whose ages span 7 years is impossible. Particularly when they are all equipped with penises, because the stupid factor increases exponentially. And, no. Before you ask. She and her husband are not going for the girl. She writes the kick ass blog I Love Them the Most When They're Sleeping. Check her out on FB & Twitter.

The Island of Misnamed Toys (again)

I don't know if you guys heard about this (and I honestly can't remember if I put this on Facebook or not) but I was actually in Parents Magazine last month (in the June edition). Like a real life grown up. It was a whole, entire page and there was a picture of me surrounded by laundry that needed folding. It was pretty awesome. Check it out:

Everyone is Losing Weight at Me

Everyone I know is losing weight at me. It's so annoying of them. They're all: "I want to be healthy and live longer and enjoy my life and look good in shorts and model good eating for my kids and make you look fatter."

Thanks a lot, family and friends. I see exactly what you're doing here and it's not going to work. I don't buy into that nonsense. I love you for you.

The Mommy Will Lose it Advisory System

This was originally published in May 2010:

In the past 24 hours, I have gotten three phone calls from friends of mine and they all started with the exact same sentence:

"I am about to LOSE MY SCHMIDT."

Oh, I understand. I wish I didn't. My children have been a little challenging lately. And they usually know when they're about to push me over the edge. A couple of times I've actually seen them stop and consider whether or not the naughtiness they are about to engage in will be worth the sh*tstorm they'll get.

Directionally Challenged

This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

Meet my friend Meredith, she is precious sparkling kitten of happiness. Meredith blogs at The Mom of the Year, dedicatedly earning her title one epic parenting fail at a time.  When her kids aren't busy pummeling each other with legos or requiring their 16th sippy cup refill of the day, she tries to offer quick, relatable laughs for fellow parents of the world and all their empathizers.  She remains entirely terrified by crafts, promises to never share any useful household tips, and is fully committed to a less serious look at the world of parenting.  Social media is beyond her comprehension, but she makes a pass at Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest and G+. 

The Sweet Spot

It hit me like a ton of bricks last week. I was at the community pool, looking around to see what my kids were up to. Then I really looked at them. The big one was playing with her friends, her long arms and legs splashing. The little one was throwing herself off the diving board like a boss. The boy was in the shade, cracking jokes with his buddies. As I sat there drinking lukewarm coffee, I realized - Oh my God. 

Here I am.

Let me backtrack for a second. The day before had been rough. I’d woken up determined that it was going to be great. That I would not go to bed that night, replaying all my parenting mistakes, per usual. And I spent the entire day being a really good mom. I was engaged and understanding. I was firm but kind. I did not yell at anyone or get distracted by my phone. I was like this all day and it was freaking exhausting.

So I Guess that Makes Me Kim Jong Un

Here's the thing. Half the time I think there's something wrong with my family. My kids fight with each other always. Lately, they have been finding every excuse possible to get out of doing chores and picking up after themselves. I feel like I spend a lot of time breaking up fights and nagging. It sort of sucks. They are normally really good kids, but this summer has been a mix of chaos and boredom and their reaction to that has been to act up. I don't like it. 

Their attitude can be summed up as:

Domestic Enemies of the Marathon Running Mom

This summer, I am really, really trying to take better care of myself and my body. So I loved this post about what it's like to be a running mom. Because I honestly want to get it. But I don't. Because running in Texas in the summer sounds horrible to me unless someone is chasing you or there are wild animals or something. But this lady makes it sound... Intriguing.

The Family Road trip

This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

I would like you to meet the glorious and beautiful Anna from My Life and Kids. Many of you may go on roadies with your kids this summer. 

I just got back from one with mine. We also took the dog. By the time we got home, I was referring to him as "my good kid". The last 2 hours of the trip was a screaming, crying, slapping festival of pain slathered in a thick coating of dog hair. And they all kept singing "JUKE! BOX! HEEEE-ROOO!" again and again. Not the song. Just those words.

What Have You Learned So far This Summer?

I looked at the calendar this morning and realized that the summer is now half over and HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?! I may have had a small meltdown. Because I had big plans, you guys. I was going to work with my kids every day on math and reading and handwriting and we weren't going to watch too much TV or play too much Minecraft. We were going to spend meaningful! family! time! We were going to learn all the things! It was going to be so awesome and enriching and fun. 

Except no. Because those workbooks are all still empty and none of the new pencils have even been sharpened. So last night at dinner I asked my kids if they've learned anything this summer. They looked at me like I was insane. Or speaking Hungarian. 

Unintentionally Funny Kid Words Part 2

A couple of weeks ago, I posted part one of some really awesome (and unintentionally funny) kid words. By "kid words", I mean words that kids get wrong. And the wrongness makes them so, so wonderful.

There's definitely going to be a part three, because we haven't even gotten to the boob cases yet. If you have any great kid words, feel free to share them with us either in a comment or on Facebook or Twitter. Maybe you'll see them up here in a couple of weeks!

So here's part 2. It's pretty special. And really, really just a little inappropriate.

Happy Fourth of July!!

Happy Fourth of July, everybody!

I love this time of year! This week is jam-packed for my family (houseguests, swim meets, parades, the big annual swim-a-thon that my kiddos wait all year for, lots of angry old-lady muttering at the people in my neighborhood who set off fireworks before and after the fourth just to be noisy jerkfaces, etc.).

Ahhhh, good times.

So I'm taking this week off to kick it with my family and eat some grilled weiners. I'll be right here, re-applying sunscreen and giving the stink eye to the ice cream truck every time it rolls up.

xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013