Thursday, July 18, 2013

Directionally Challenged

This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

Meet my friend Meredith, she is precious sparkling kitten of happiness. Meredith blogs at The Mom of the Year, dedicatedly earning her title one epic parenting fail at a time.  When her kids aren't busy pummeling each other with legos or requiring their 16th sippy cup refill of the day, she tries to offer quick, relatable laughs for fellow parents of the world and all their empathizers.  She remains entirely terrified by crafts, promises to never share any useful household tips, and is fully committed to a less serious look at the world of parenting.  Social media is beyond her comprehension, but she makes a pass at TwitterFacebook, Pinterest and G+


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My husband and I sometimes have slight miscommunication about directions.  GPS has made this so much smoother, but we’ve still got our hang-ups.  The primary problem is that I explain things in a way that makes sense, and he only confuses the situation more by using fancy things like streets, routes and road names.  The other day, when I was stuck around a really nasty accident, I called my husband to help me navigate around the mess.
“Hey, I’m in town and there’s a big accident.  Is there a back way around the store?”
“What store?”
“Don’t be stupid.  The grocery store. ” What other than food could possibly necessitate dragging both our children out of the house?
“Which grocery store?”.
“Please.  I don’t have time for this.  How do I turn around on that road by the preschool?”
“Are you on Rte. 100?”
“If by that, you mean the highway that goes by that shopping strip with the Bob Evans in it, then yes.”
“Are you going north or south?”
“I’m going in the direction you go if you are driving from the Starbucks with the drive-thru to Target–the new one, not the old one.  They have really cute new socks in the dollar aisle too.”
“Okay.  What if you try to turn around by the gas station up by 322?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.  Listen, I have to tell you that they changed the name of the diner we used to go to.  Also, before I forget, there is a new autobody shop with a sign out front that says, ‘Can we fix it?  Yes we can!‘”
“Um, great.”
“Do you want me to try to get a picture and text it to you?”
“That’s okay.” Envisioning me running the minivan off the road in a desperate attempt to capture the shout-out to Bob the Builder, my son’s new hero.
“Alright, what should I make for dinner?”
“What about your directions?”
“What directions?”
“For getting home around the accident.”
“Oh, that’s fine.  It’s already clearing up and I’m on my way.”
I love you too, honey.
Read more at The Mom of the Year and kick it with her on TwitterFacebookPinterest and G+

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

29 comments:

  1. Bwahaha. This is totally me when I'm navigating.

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    1. Navigating is such a darn nasty beast! Still holding out for teleporting.

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  2. When I write down directions, I write them in a way that I know and read. It's fine, until I ask my husband to read what I wrote, and he tries to interpret it. I always have to remind him to just read it, exactly as I wrote it, so I know what to do, lol.

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    1. Just better to keep him away from anything we've written down? Too bad they just can't be as logical as us...

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  3. I'm from around Chicago, and my husband isn't. He hates calling me for directions that involve an interstate, because I know the names and he goes by the numbers.

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    1. I get this! Names just stick so much better than all those silly numbers.

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  4. I always knew I did directions like a man- cause when my friends would tell things like drive past the funeral home, the flower shop and turn left at the grocery store.." I'd be all like " You mean drive west on Main until I get to Rt8 and turn left- going South?" And they'd blank out on me.
    Give me street/route names, directions and mileage estimates. But then, I again, I do break one man rule and almost always have had a map. With the directions the way I like them written out ;-)

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    1. And people like you, Miki, just leave me in awe--you do route names AND maps. Crazy impressive!

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  5. LMAO. I drive from the heart. :0 as in I pick a road that "feels right" to me. My man hates it. He also thinks GPS is awesome, and doesn't understand how I get lost using it. It's because it tells me to turn in "2 kilometers" (Canada) and i spend that time, trying to envision how far that is and counting them out myself... then missing turns. :) woops!

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    1. "Drive from the heart"--I love this, and am now using it to describe my style. Can we please get t-shirts made too?

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    2. Lydia, no one has ever described me as "precious sparkling kitten of happiness". More honored than ever before in my life ;) Thanks for posting this and xo!

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  6. My husband is a roadway engineer (He designs roads and traffic control plans for a living)and he does not enjoy when I call him several times a week cursing the name of whoever designed these stupid roads and please help me get out of wherever I am. The worst is when the name of the road changes for no reason. I have also gotten in trouble for assuming I was going south because the name of the road was South Road, but since it was a two-way street you could also be driving north (which is obvious to everyone but me, evidently.) This is why I need directions like "Make sure Target is on the left. Otherwise, turn around."

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    1. Oh dang, Steph, you have got a hardcore directional-informed husband to work with. Power to you, my friend, and whaa?? That's just a cruel naming trick. South Road should always go south--in both directions.

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  7. I'm glad it's not just me. I can't do the N/E/S/W thing either. It's always going down this road towards that thing. Or away from that thing :D

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    1. So much clearer that way, right Sara? ;)

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  8. Replies
    1. Aw, thanks Tanya! Thanks for reading!

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  9. I'm a brilliant navigator, honed over years of experience delivering pizza, but when it comes to giving directions I suck in two ways. My brain either forgets that saying 'left' or 'right' are NOT interchangeable, or I settle in to the role of passenger a bit to well and forget my husband doesn't know where he's going... Oops.

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    1. A pizza deliverer! I am wowed. You must have some serious inner GPS going on--even if right and left get a little fuzzy sometimes ;)

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  10. This was hilarious the first time I read it, and continues to make me LOL! My husband would.have.flipped.out. He HATES that I am so direction-ally challenged. It's even worse now that we have moved to the south. At least when I lived in MI I always knew what way was N, now I'm all messed up. I still don't know which side of Charlotte I live on!! LOL!

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    1. Carrie, this just again reinforces that you and I could and should be besties. We can just aimlessly drive around together and chat it up!

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  11. Yeah, we have problems like that, too, only it's the reverse. My husband is always saying things like "how do we get to Julie's from where the old pizza place used to be by where Rob's parents lived when we were in college?" and forgets that I only moved here when I married him and have no idea what on earth he's talking about. Plus I get car sick if I try to read a map while we're driving, so I need him to tell me before we leave the house if he needs directions. Then I can look it up and I've got a good sense of direction, so I just need a couple quick notes and I can navigate for him. But he never thinks he needs directions until we're on the road, and then all of a sudden he's saying "Wait, I thought there was an Indian restaurant on that corner. And when did those condos go in? Where are we? Is this the way? Look at the map and tell me where we are."

    We bought a GPS for our first anniversary and refer to it as our marital aid. Still have a few tense moments in the car, but no where near what it was that first year.

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    1. Your marital aid! I am dying--that is perfect and I'm stealing this phrase now, Bethany.

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  12. OMG, I blow a gasket when Leo gives me directions that start out "Go North on Rt. 25." Landmarks, man...tell me landmarks. Say, "Go left at Target and take the road with the hundred pot holes, then go right at the street where the blue house with the grass a mile tall is." I do the same thing with changing the subject because if I don't tell him right then, the chaos will hit and I'll forget to tell him.

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    1. "LANDMARKS" is our new mantra, friend. Silly men just not getting this...!

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  13. I'm the weird girl with a man brain who writes computer programs, so by his questions I'd guess she was around Downingtown

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    1. Completely wowed by how smart you are, Abagail!

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  14. Yep, that's me in the car, too!! We can never, EVER travel together, Meredith! It's a wonder you made it to Pittsburgh!!! HAhahaha!! :) :)

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    1. Planes and trains only for us, my friend! And notice it only took me about 7 hrs. to make the 4 hr. straight-shot trip!

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