Thursday, July 11, 2013

The Family Road trip

This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

I would like you to meet the glorious and beautiful Anna from My Life and Kids. Many of you may go on roadies with your kids this summer. 


I just got back from one with mine. We also took the dog. By the time we got home, I was referring to him as "my good kid". The last 2 hours of the trip was a screaming, crying, slapping festival of pain slathered in a thick coating of dog hair. And they all kept singing "JUKE! BOX! HEEEE-ROOO!" again and again. Not the song. Just those words.


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My family of five piled into the minivan a few weeks ago and headed out on a 10-day road trip. We were going to be spending over 30 hours in the car when it was all said and done, as we visited some old neighbors, spent some time at the beach and wrapped everything up by attending a family wedding. 

For the first 8-hour drive, I channeled my inner Gwenyth. 

We snacked on organic hardboiled eggs.

We kept the DVD player on lock down and played games and talked and sang songs instead. 

I might have even whipped out a few flash cards.

I practiced my kegels for three straight hours while we barreled down the highway playing I Spy and Simon Says.

We stopped at a rest stop nestled into the mountains and let the kids run through the green grass before sitting at a picnic table and eating sandwiches made with my homemade bread, locally grown lettuce, nitrate-free turkey, organic cheese and chia seeds.

For dessert we had whole-wheat and flax muffins that I had whipped up from scratch.

I gave my husband back rubs and hand rubs and cheered him on for being the best driver on earth, while we sang E-I-E-I-O for the millionth time.

It was an adventure.

It was fun.

We were loving it.

Fast forward 10 days.

Our exciting vacation had come to an end. 

We were tired. 

We were bummed to be heading home. And we had one long 10-hour drive ahead of us.

All signs of Gwenyth were gone.

There were no games of I Spy or Simon Says. 
I threw the flash cards out the window. 

And I may have told the kids that if any of them tried to sing a song, I would be throwing them out the window next.

The DVD player was on for 15 straight hours (and the trip only lasted 10 hours).

And at one point I gave the kids prescription bottles and playdoh to pass the time - because WHY NOT?

I didn't do a single kegel - and in fact I overflowed a gas station bathroom in West Virginia and blamed it on the 5-year-old. Because why bother having kids if you can't blame farts and overflowing toilets on them?

For snacks, we passed around a bottle of squeezable jelly and washed it down with a can of Cheese Whiz.

We had donuts for breakfast, followed by grease for lunch - and then a little more grease as a snack.

And I may have eaten an entire can of Crisco in the front seat. Maybe.

And when my husband dared to ask me to rub his tight shoulders I growled and punched him in the face.

Maybe if my entire life was a vacation, I could be more like Gwenyth. But in the meantime, pass the can of cheese please...

Check out more from Anna at My Life and Kids.

Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

7 comments:

  1. Ahhh, Before and After....I think we can all relate!

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  2. I don't have an inner Gwenyth. But on our road trip, the kids watched 1 movie on the way there and 4 on the way home. The 18-month old was hoarse from crying so much!

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  3. I sympathize with "maybe throw them out the window."

    I'd rather be tired then crazy. I drive at night, they sleep.

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  4. Hilarious! I can totally relate! We recently took a 16 hour road trip & on the way home I actually snapped & cursed at everyone (I NEVER curse!) Sadly, it worked & everyone quieted down!;) 16 hour road trip, thousands of dollars spent, everyone whining & fighting on the way home, the look of shock & horror on everyone's faces after sweet Mama cursed, PRICELESS!

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  5. oh my god. this is beyond hysterical and the honest to god truth. I love this post so, so much.

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  6. Yes, yes! Absolutely! And I could write a whole post on how proud I am pulling out of the driveway with a clean, systematically packed minivan with everything at the ready (maps, water bottles, snacks, entertainment, emergency kit,travel potty, etc.). On the way home the car looks like an spontaneous tornado formed and for months I find random crap that was stuck in places just to get it all home. Not to mention the peculiar smells that only intensify with the heat and the urge to only go out at night so people cannot view the interior of my van, or be knocked out by the odors emitted until I find time to clean it out again. Which will probably be just before the next road trip that I so smartly planned way too soon after the last one. Ahhh, I need vacations from my vacations!!

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  7. Hmm, beginning to ponder the sanity of going on my own road trip next week. *Googles last minute plane tickets*

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