Thursday, July 25, 2013

Week Seven of Summer and I...

This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

I love this woman so much. We went on TV together one time and we had so much fun. This is us being nervous before the show. She's the hot one with short hair (the other hot one is Teri from Snarkfest). More on Bethany: 

Bethany is a mom to 4 healthy, busy, noisy, smelly, happy boys. She is exhausted by the enormity of it all. Every day. Simultaneously meeting the needs of 4 kids whose ages span 7 years is impossible. Particularly when they are all equipped with penises, because the stupid factor increases exponentially. And, no. Before you ask. She and her husband are not going for the girl. She writes the kick ass blog I Love Them the Most When They're Sleeping. Check her out on FB & Twitter.


Well, it’s week 7 of summer and I am...

“No, you cannot play the iPad.”

It’s week 7 of summer, and I’m having a hard time...

“Because it’s 6:15 in the morning. It’s too early to play the iPad.”

Where was I? Oh, right. Here we are. Week 7 of summer, and I’m finding...

“Say the word iPad again and you will lose electronics for the entire week.”

It’s week 7 of summer, and I haven’t hit my stride. I keep waiting to...

“No snack right now.”

Sorry. What was I saying? Hitting my stride, right. I keep waiting to settle into...

“You just ate breakfast. That’s why.”

So, I haven’t settled into any sort of...

“Oreos are not a snack.”

We haven’t settled into any sort of routine. And it’s making...

“Please stop hiding behind doors and scaring your brothers.”

The lack of routine is starting to make me feel like...

“No, it’s not funny. Not for anyone but you. That makes it a bad joke.”  

The lack of routine is making me feel like I’m losing my mind. I keep thinking...

“Please stop making those fart noises at the breakfast table.”

What was I saying again? I’m losing my mind. Right. I keep thinking that I will hit my...

“Because farting and fart noises are bad manners. I am raising you to have good manners.”

Every time I think that I’ve hit my stride, something happens to make...
“I don’t know if Dad’s farts are loud because he eats green beans. I do know that I asked you to stop talking about farts at the breakfast table.”

Let me try this again. I’m a silver linings...

“Please don’t hiss at your brother.”

I’m a silver linings kinda girl. And when I say...

“Please don’t bark at your brother.”

At least, I consider myself a silver linings kinda...

“Put down the baton right now.”

I like to think of myself as a silver linings kinda girl. The type of...

“Put down the baton. And please put your pants back on.”

The type of person who looks for the best...

“Thank you for putting down the baton. You may not go outside onto the trampoline.”

What I mean when I say silver linings is I try to see the best in...

“Not until you put on underwear.”

To find the best in situations. To seek out...

“Because it’s against the law to be naked outside. And jail is not a fun place.”

Sure, I vent to...

“I think it’s OK to be naked outside in Europe. Just not in America.”

What was I saying? Venting. Right. Naturally, I vent to my girl...

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

I vent to my girlfriends. But, for the most part...

“If lava was on your foot, it would burn you. Yes.”

For the most part, I try to find the silver lining in every situation. And...

“You don’t have to worry about lava on your foot.”

I try to see the silver lining in every situation. And I look for the best in people. At least I hope...

“Because we don’t live close to any volcanoes. That’s why.”

I hope that I am that type of person. The kind who brings a smile...

“I don’t know what would happen if you had no toes.”

What the fuck was I saying? Do I make people smile? I hope that...

“You wouldn’t die if you had no toes. But you would probably have a hard time walking because toes help with our balance.”

Did I finish my silver linings thought? Goddamn, I can’t even finish one...

“Maybe. Maybe you would die if you had no toes, couldn’t keep your balance, fell off a high ladder, and landed on your head. Maybe you would die.”

Can I finish one bloody thought, for crying out loud? Just one fucking thought is all I’m...

“OK, fine. You would die. You would die if you had no toes.”

Oh, fuck it.

“Boys, have you all forgotten?”

There is no silver lining.

“Santa is watching.”

I am in hell.

“What do you mean you think I’m Santa?”

How many more days until school starts?

Read more from Bethany at I Love Them the Most When They're Sleeping. Check her out on FB & Twitter.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013


  1. I have...

    "No, the frog doesn't want to live under your bed."

    3 boys and 2...

    "Stop dressing your brother up like rue Paul"

    Girls. 29 days until school is in session!

  2. It hurts! The laughter! The understanding! oh yeah, I sent my kids to camp from 9-12 so I could finish a thought. :D I know, I cheated. I NEED some SLIVER of sanity.

  3. Oh my God what is it with boys and lava? I only have two fart monsters and I'm twitchy. Thanks for the laugh.

    1. It's not just boys and lava. It's girls too.
      And OMG this is my life, and also why I conduct pretty much ALL of my phone conversations while I'm driving to and from places, because it's much easier to ignore them when they're in the back seat.

  4. ^Vicki, I clearly remember dressing my little brother up as my lady-in-waiting, by putting one of my lacy full slips on him and placing a doily on his head. LOL.

    I saw a post on facebook the other day that read, "Having a phone conversation with a parent is like talking to someone with Tourette's." It's true. However, as Bethany has cleverly pointed out, often the inside of a parent's HEAD sounds like it has Tourette's. Especially for those of us with ADD. *sigh*

  5. This is so incredibly accurate. I love it. I've actually had to answer the no toes question before. Although it didn't end with death. lol. The only reason I can even type this right now is because I'm ignoring the screaming coming from the other room...

  6. You are the bomb diggity!!! Thank you for the fabulous intro and allowing me to appear on Rants today!! I am forever in your debt! XOXOXO

  7. I just almost had a choking on tuna induced aneurysm at my desk.
    People came to watch and giggle.
    Thank you for the laugh!

  8. Love Love Love!!! Two boys, and that could easily have been said at my house this morning. I think today was "Can I kick a giant if one tries to eat me?" well, yes, but giants don't eat other people. People with giantism are just really tall people, and it would hurt their feelings if you tried to kick them. "If a giant appeared near me, I would run away." Hey! Look at that silly squirrel!

  9. FREAKING HYSTERICAL!!! and sadly VERY TRUE!!!...
    "No for the fourteenth time we are NOT going to McDonald's for lunch!"
    I Absolutely love & adore this extremely funny & witty post...
    "Because we CAN'T eat McDonald's every day it's not healthy!!!"
    I can totally relate to EVERY WORD...
    "NO we are NOT going to McDonald's for dinner!"
    I'm sorry just like yourself...
    "What did you just say???"
    you're right just forget it!

    You woman here are just my absolute fave!

    "You do NOT punch your brother in the weenie & stop saying weenie!!!"

    I have to go it's getting violent!

  10. I'm crying because this is entirely true.

    Even better? When my 7-year old son wants on my computer and I tell him to wait until I'm done writing an email (or reading Facebook, whatever) and he will read out loud over my shoulder. as. I. type. Add in his 4-going-on-30 sister, AKA The Litigator, and I'm amazed I still know what a complete thought is.

  11. Shaking with laughter. Also YES TO ALL OF THIS.

  12. Bethany, you just made my day, and ..... gah, I forgot what I was going to say. Had to remove one boy's foot off his brother's head.

  13. Oh I have tears streaming down my face from laughing....

  14. This is hilarious and too true! My kids are grown now, but you never forget. I was always torn between the two best days of the year . . . the day they get out of school, or the day they returned to school. The anticipation of summer vacay and no more meetings, school events and homework. By July all that had vanished and I couldn't wait for them to get back to school and into a "normal" routine again. Good Luck! This too shall pass.

  15. You are my hero and in my head Right. This. Minute. 2 boys: 8-1/2 and 3. I am going to throw that danged iPad out the window and what are these Netflix charges to my checking account? This post is an exact replica of my husband and I trying to have a conversation at the dinner table.

    'Since when do you not like Tacos? The taco without that stuff? You mean the taco meat? For the love of... Yes, I give. Drink only chocolate milk for your meal, but OMG, stop making chocolate bubbles through your nose! Sounds good - I'd be thrilled if you went outside with no pants, found the bubbles, poured them in the nerf blaster and watered my flowers. I just want to eat the rest of my luke-warm chicken before it turns to rubber. Yes, I am happy. Thank you, I am a princess flower and I love you, too.'

    Happy Weekend.

  16. I am laughing so hard right now that I think I might be having a seizure.

  17. This is why I homeschool. I don't want the fun to end when school starts back. Mine are all teenagers now and we still have great conversations about lava and toes!

  18. Laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing. :)




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