Thursday, July 25, 2013

Week Seven of Summer and I...

This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

I love this woman so much. We went on TV together one time and we had so much fun. This is us being nervous before the show. She's the hot one with short hair (the other hot one is Teri from Snarkfest). More on Bethany: 

Bethany is a mom to 4 healthy, busy, noisy, smelly, happy boys. She is exhausted by the enormity of it all. Every day. Simultaneously meeting the needs of 4 kids whose ages span 7 years is impossible. Particularly when they are all equipped with penises, because the stupid factor increases exponentially. And, no. Before you ask. She and her husband are not going for the girl. She writes the kick ass blog I Love Them the Most When They're Sleeping. Check her out on FB & Twitter.



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Well, it’s week 7 of summer and I am...

“No, you cannot play the iPad.”


It’s week 7 of summer, and I’m having a hard time...


“Because it’s 6:15 in the morning. It’s too early to play the iPad.”


Where was I? Oh, right. Here we are. Week 7 of summer, and I’m finding...


“Say the word iPad again and you will lose electronics for the entire week.”


It’s week 7 of summer, and I haven’t hit my stride. I keep waiting to...


“No snack right now.”


Sorry. What was I saying? Hitting my stride, right. I keep waiting to settle into...

“You just ate breakfast. That’s why.”


So, I haven’t settled into any sort of...


“Oreos are not a snack.”


We haven’t settled into any sort of routine. And it’s making...


“Please stop hiding behind doors and scaring your brothers.”


The lack of routine is starting to make me feel like...


“No, it’s not funny. Not for anyone but you. That makes it a bad joke.”  


The lack of routine is making me feel like I’m losing my mind. I keep thinking...


“Please stop making those fart noises at the breakfast table.”


What was I saying again? I’m losing my mind. Right. I keep thinking that I will hit my...


“Because farting and fart noises are bad manners. I am raising you to have good manners.”


Every time I think that I’ve hit my stride, something happens to make...
“I don’t know if Dad’s farts are loud because he eats green beans. I do know that I asked you to stop talking about farts at the breakfast table.”

Let me try this again. I’m a silver linings...


“Please don’t hiss at your brother.”


I’m a silver linings kinda girl. And when I say...

“Please don’t bark at your brother.”


At least, I consider myself a silver linings kinda...


“Put down the baton right now.”


I like to think of myself as a silver linings kinda girl. The type of...


“Put down the baton. And please put your pants back on.”


The type of person who looks for the best...


“Thank you for putting down the baton. You may not go outside onto the trampoline.”


What I mean when I say silver linings is I try to see the best in...


“Not until you put on underwear.”


To find the best in situations. To seek out...


“Because it’s against the law to be naked outside. And jail is not a fun place.”


Sure, I vent to...


“I think it’s OK to be naked outside in Europe. Just not in America.”


What was I saying? Venting. Right. Naturally, I vent to my girl...


“I love you too, sweetheart.”


I vent to my girlfriends. But, for the most part...


“If lava was on your foot, it would burn you. Yes.”


For the most part, I try to find the silver lining in every situation. And...


“You don’t have to worry about lava on your foot.”


I try to see the silver lining in every situation. And I look for the best in people. At least I hope...


“Because we don’t live close to any volcanoes. That’s why.”


I hope that I am that type of person. The kind who brings a smile...


“I don’t know what would happen if you had no toes.”


What the fuck was I saying? Do I make people smile? I hope that...


“You wouldn’t die if you had no toes. But you would probably have a hard time walking because toes help with our balance.”


Did I finish my silver linings thought? Goddamn, I can’t even finish one...


“Maybe. Maybe you would die if you had no toes, couldn’t keep your balance, fell off a high ladder, and landed on your head. Maybe you would die.”


Can I finish one bloody thought, for crying out loud? Just one fucking thought is all I’m...


“OK, fine. You would die. You would die if you had no toes.”


Oh, fuck it.


“Boys, have you all forgotten?”


There is no silver lining.


“Santa is watching.”


I am in hell.


“What do you mean you think I’m Santa?”


How many more days until school starts?

Read more from Bethany at I Love Them the Most When They're Sleeping. Check her out on FB & Twitter.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

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