Wednesday, August 7, 2013

5 Things I Forgot About Newborns

Please note the baby doll in the corner. That's just sad.
Hieeeeee!

It’s me, Guru Louise. I’m sorry I’ve been completely checked out recently…but I have a really good reason.

You know that awesome post Lydia wrote about The Sweet Spot? (That, by the way, went totally viral. So proud of her!) Well, I just had another baby four weeks ago and so I am squarely back in the The Blur. Big time. In fact, I’m so Blur-y right now I’m not even entirely sure I’m typing this in discernible English. In my head this post sounds like this: “Baby here. Leaking stuff. Hungry. Wipe butt. Vomit.”

Did you catch all that?

Actually, I’m happy to report that things are going pretty well overall. My big kids (ages 3 and 5) l-o-v-e the new baby, big-time. Our baby is healthy and fairly easy to soothe, so that’s awesome. Plus, he didn’t pull any of that day/night reversal bullschmidt when he was born. I mean, he’s still up every couple hours to eat at night, but he goes back to sleep afterward, which is something my first baby never, ever did. She was all, ‘Hey! It’s 4am! Now is a good time to have my quiet, alert time and be super cute! Oh, sorry, did you want to sleep now?”

I’m not saying I’m completely lucid or anything, but I don’t feel like the walking dead either so, like I said, I think things are going well for a few weeks in. Now that we’re hammering this newborn into our family life I realize I’m remembering some things….stuff that I had forgotten about as my first two kids got older. And so I give you: 5 Things I Forgot about Newborns:

1. I Have To Do All the Things One-Handed. I can’t believe I forgot about this. For the last three weeks straight I’ve been doing everything with one hand because, guess what? There is a baby in the other. Some stuff isn’t so bad…for instance, I can totally color with crayons and pour a cup of milk with one hand. But allow me to outline some essential tasks of a SAHM that you just cannot do one-handed:

Rip off a paper towel
Change the trash can liner
Open a bag of murtherfurking goldfish
Hold a 3yo still while you wet-wipe his ass

Yesterday out of sheer desperation I asked the 5yo to make lunch for us because I just couldn’t spread the sunflower butter on the bread with one hand. Let me tell you that I’m pretty sure my one-handed effort would have been less of a mess than her very creative attempt to make 3 sandwiches.

2. I’ve Got the Newborn Jiggle. I was paying for groceries at Trader Joe’s yesterday and realized I was jiggling back and forth from left to right while swiping my credit card. You know what I’m talking about—when holding a newborn it is instinctive to make your body do a slight shake and jiggle to keep baby happy. Except that my baby was tucked snuggly in his stroller and was in no way touching me—and yet, I was still jiggling like a crazy drug addict with shot nerves. Weeeee!

3. I'm starting to resemble my newborn. These days you can frequently find me nursing the baby and whilst this is happening I am essentially unable to use my body. Similar to my baby, I sit mostly in one spot, just hoping someone will throw some food in my general direction or give me something to drink. (Last night I was visibly rooting toward my husband as he sat drinking a beer at the other end of the couch). Also, I cry a lot about everything, as if I just don’t have the words to express my frustration.Words are too hard right now. Oh, and I’m leaking bodily fluids all over the place. You know what I’m talking about. So while my newborn is having diaper blowouts and spitting up, I’m leaking breastmilk and changing sanitary pads. It’s gross, but at least the baby and I are equally gross at the moment.

4. All My Work Gets Undone. Immediately. I forgot this part, too. My husband took the big kids out last weekend for a couple hours and I was all, OK! I’m going to get some stuff done!!! So I took a shower, bathed the baby and then fed him. <Fistpump> We're both clean and he is full. I'm awesome. The baby then puked two breasts worth of milk *into* my nursing tank top like it was a toilet and then started howling because he was hungry again. So when my husband got home moments later the baby and I were both filthy and the baby was hungry…and when he asked me what I had been up to I just looked at him a vacant, shell-shocked expression on my face.

5. The Nipple Twister. My son, like all newborns, has no control over his extremities. He doesn’t even know  his arms and legs are connected to his body, let alone that he has fingers. So why is it that at almost every feed he manages to flail his little hand and land it directly on my boob, clamp onto the nipple and twist it while digging in with his Wolverine-like fingernails?! GAH!!!

I'm sure there are more things that I remembered I forgot but The Blur...it's coming for me and I...wait. What?

Don't forget to follow Guru on FB and Twitter so you can read updates about her accidentally doing stuff like loading her groceries into the wrong van. She is AWESOME.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

45 comments:

  1. Yep. You're awesome, Guru Louise. We have a newborn with 2 older kids as well. Totally forgot that you have to bring stuff like spit-up cloths and changes of clothes on even short trips now that we've been down to just snacks, water, and a spare pair or 2 of undies. Oops.

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  2. I forgot milk breath! I loooooove milk breath!

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  3. This. Was. Hilarious! And maybe you prescheduled it, but I love that this post came out at midnight. :)

    All the best with your new little one!

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  4. Excellent! The perfect reminder for me, 30 weeks tomorrow with number 4 (others are 3, 5 and 7) Hi Ho Hi Ho its back to The Blur I go....

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  5. thank you so much for these five reminders! now whenever i am feeling sad because after four i am d.o.n.e. I can refer back to this and be not-so-sad. BEST OF LUCK with the bundle of joy!

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  6. Wear that baby, that will take care of all the one-handedness!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, get a Moby wrap. It was a lifesaver with my second!

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    2. I liked the Baby Ka'Tan..I could never figure out the Moby wrap (But that could just be me!)!! ;-)

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    3. I second the k'tan! Best thing I bought for baby #2

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    4. I had to practice the Moby with a teddy bear. You think it wouldn't be that difficult to wrap 16 feet of crap around you, following directions... but that thing was complicated.

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    5. I'd add in the Maya wrap... it saved my bacon! I was a single mom in grad school with a preemie... I never would have survived without it!

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  7. Oh the Blur! It'll be heading for me in September... I totally forgot some of this newborn stuff too. Thanks for the reminder!
    And congrats on your newest little one!

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  8. #3 is my favorite. So true! I was once at the grocery store looking at the shelves and realized I was rocking my cart back and forth, as if it were a stroller with a baby inside. Baby was at home--mini-vacation for me at the grocery store. Ha!

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  9. You know how they say that women forget childbirth before having more babies? No. This. This newborn stuff is what you forget. Guru you have said it perfectly.

    *typed one-handed while the 2yo jumps around on the bed and the 2mon old ignores the boob in her face.

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  10. As a cashier, I have seen many a mom (and dad!) do the baby sway/rock/jiggle while not holding a baby. Having 2 kids myself, and a ton of baby babysitting experience, I know this move well, and therefore don't think the parent is a crack addict. As a parent, I've had cashiers ask me how old my baby is, when baby was at home, because they recognized the sway.

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  11. All moms forget these things. It's a species survival feature.

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  12. So there with you... squirrel...

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  13. Ever since having kids I do the sway whenever ANYTHING is in my arms for more than 10 seconds and I'm not walking forward. Bags of groceries, houseplants, the cat.

    And my youngest is 8. I suspect my condition is permanent.

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  14. You never entirely lose the jiggle. I had a (male) friend who was in the checkout line with a watermelon one day when he suddenly realized he was jiggling and patting it so it wouldn't cry. His youngest was 10 at the time.

    Also, definitely get yourself a stretchy wrap or mei tai (more useful, if less appealing, then a mai tai), so you can wipe your 3 year old's butt ;>.

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  15. No need to be one handed! Get yourself a good baby carrier :)

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  16. I did the babyless jiggle for the first time the other day! I put down my 4-month-old and was looking at my phone, and noticed I was bouncing. I didn't know it was a whole phenomenon!

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  17. One handed? Some remarkably wonderful awesome person recommended a Boba wrap to me when my now 10 month old was nursing non-stop, and my now 2 year old needed me constantly. I looked at her like she was nuts. I ordered one a week later in desperation. Best thing ever. Especially since the baby can nurse while in the wrap. It's tshirt material, so it's super comfy too. Later, you change how you position them and you can use it as a normal front carrier. Or you can let your toddler ball themselves up in it.
    I still haven't figured out why they haven't invented "infant mom" pellets - like gold fish food. Just drop it in the mouth, instant nutrition.

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  18. Congrats! I do remember these as I have 2, 7, and 10 yr old boys! I'd definitely get yourself a sling/wrap/carrier! I have however, said that it's a damn shame that the human species doesn't grow an extra pair of arms/hands when you're expecting. And that #4 thing with things being undone....when the hell does that end? 'Cause I'm still there and it's damn annoying.

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  19. With #4 on the way in a week and a half (or that's the theory, anyway) this is a great reminder. I was reminded of another newborn thing while packing my hospital bag - the clothing dilemma. Pregnancy clothes just stretched to their max are baggy, the clothing that fit before is depressingly tight, and my emergency transition clothes make me sad wondering if I'll be stuck in them forever. Also none of them will stay clean for more than 20 min - though the fact that I can only see half of my torso right now isn't helping my fashion image right now either.

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  20. oh em GEEEEE! tears from the laughter. the comments were juat as awesome. when my middle was a newborn we took them to the peds office. i laid the baby down and stepped back so the dr could ck her over. i stood behind her watching. sge finally turned around and just about died laughing. there i was doing the jiggle behind her w/o even noticing it! it was hilarious.

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  21. I have adopt-a-dolly syndrome. My toddler will pass me a doll or a teddy, and I will carry it around like a real baby for an hour completely oblivious. It doesn't occur to me that I'm doing it until someone sees me making a cup of coffee one handed and asks me what the hell I'm doing.

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  22. Hilarious! Well... Now it is.. Doing things with one arm while my baby twisted my nipples wasn't funny then. But now. God, when I see glazed eyed mommies rocking their paper towel packs in the line at the grocery store, I feel for them so hard!
    And then I remember everybody telling me how quickly it goes, and how I didn't really believe it because, when you're in the throws of the newborn life, it sure goes slowly!
    Beautiful post! Thank you :)

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  23. Preparing for kid #3 in t-minus 2 months...I remember most of these. If it isn't being one handed (which is one I forgot), it is being careful how you bend, lift, etc so that new baby doesn't fall out of/get smothered by carrier while tending to needy older sibling. I've been trying to remember every detail of the challenges we faced when we brought home #2 but I'm sure there is something I'm forgetting. Oh, and this is our first girl so I think we'll probably have a few things to learn as well. Someone just warned me it is as important to "cover up" when changing a girl as it is with a boy. Who'd a thunk?

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    Replies
    1. it is true the girls can get you too. I know the twin girls I watched got their dad once he was shocked that they could do that.

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    2. Cover up a baby? Weird...

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    3. Mom of 2 boys and now a baby girl... something I didn't think about is that boys have a natural *ahem* "barrier" for keeping most of the poop at the back end of the diaper. I've been used to back blow-outs and leaks, but FRONT blow-outs and leaks are an entirely new thing!

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  24. Getting ready for #4 here, so this is very timely. "Words are too hard right now." I'm just going to have Captain write this across my forehead immediately after delivery.

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  25. Yes! So very much the same here with #2 being 4.5 weeks and #1 is 2y/o...

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  26. Ok, I'm sitting alone at 8pm on a porch in the middle of rural Pennsylvania and am laughing so loud and so hard at this post it's hatd to breath. My eyes filled with tears from laughing.... thanks for this.

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  27. Awww your wee bub is about the same age as mine. He was 4 weeks old yesterday:) I've got a 6 year old, 2.5 year old and 1 year old as well.
    "Murtherfurking goldfish" *giggles*

    Congrats!

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  28. I have a 7 week old and am experiencing the blur right along with you. That has to be the most I have laughed since re-entering mommy bliss. Thanks!

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  29. I'm sitting her at bedtime nursing my 1 week old 3rd child who has either learned to play the tuba with his butt or just filled up the diaper i just changed (TWICE because he peed on his face in between old & new - thus making the new now old) so now that he has fallen asleep on said boob, I will get to wake him with an iced cold wipe..... yep.

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  30. "I sit mostly in one spot, just hoping someone will throw some food in my general direction or give me something to drink."

    OMG, I was like that for 9 months before I stopped nursing, and it still makes me furious. Would it have killed my husband to come in and check on me once in a while? Screaming for him across the apartment would have woken the baby I had been trying for hours -- HOURS -- to nurse and get to sleep. If only I had had a smartphone back then, I would have just texted him "Can I have a glass of water/a tissue/something to eat for the first time that day?" I eventually realized he was no help whatsoever and started gathering supplies BEFORE the nursing-nap marathon.

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  31. Wow awesome article regarding new born. I'm really impressed about that article.

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  32. Love this and can relate to the breastfeeding thing. My 11 month old son tries to hold on to the other nipple while nursing and starts laughing when I pull his hand away. My teen daughter thinks it's creepy. Lol.

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  33. This Jolts my memory. I'm pregnant with number two and I agree.

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  34. LOL, my "baby" turns 18 this year (although I am "auntie" to several younger ones...) and I *still* find myself doing the newborn jiggle &/or rhythmic "shh, shh, shh" that soothed my goddaughter so well when she was a baby ANY time I hear a baby fussing...even if it's on TV.

    And I totally get crying about everything. I remember sitting on the floor of my youngest's room next to the crib where she was bawling away at 3 in the morning & just crying along with her. Words really were too hard right then. Even thinking was impossible. Crying was barely manageable.

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  35. I just died laughing! I was trying to hold it in so I didn't wake baby and I'm sure I stopped breathing. I had to stop reading half way to wipe the tears so I could carry on. Thank you so much!

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  36. I love all of these. Except the whole sleep-when-baby-sleeps. That was the time I had to myself. Whether it was scrolling through FB on my phone, doing a load of laundry, or just spending two seconds sitting down. But I do get the advice though. I just never, ever napped when my baby did. But I surely slept like a baby at night! -

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