Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Swype Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Remember last fall when I shared with you all the horrible things my stupid phone does to embarrass me when I try to text people? Well it still happens all the time. And not just texting. It's when I try to type ANYTHING with my phone. Because apparently, I will never learn. Also, my phone is gross and needs to get it's mind out of the gutter. 

Warning: if you're mature or an actual grown up, you probably will not be very impressed with this post. You should probably go read the Wall Street Journal right now. For everyone else, proceed.

When “faster” becomes “gayer”
Cap’n: How is the swim meet? Is it over?
Me: Almost. Your boy did well in breast stroke.
Cap’n: Great!
Me: He was a lot gayer. 
Cap’n: ??
Me: He was so much gayer we were all like: WHAAT?!
Cap’n: I’m not sure what to say here.
Me: It was pretty awesome.
Cap’n: I don’t understand swimming.

When “you again” becomes “tippy asian”
Me: Hey do you want to come to Bunco with me this week?
New Friend I don't know very well: I can’t. I have to work Thursday night.
Me: You’re a big stupid. Next month, I’ll invite tippy asian.
New friend: Oh. OK.
(OH MAH GAH. My phone is racist and drunk. And new friend doesn't text me anymore. Insert sad trombone noise.)

When “in the van” becomes “in the can”
Me: Let me call you back when I’m in can.
Cap’n: I didn’t need to know that.
Me: What’s your problem? I like to talk in the can. I use the speakerphone!
Cap’n: Again. Didn’t need to know that.

Starting to think Benny Hill's brain
is actually my phone's operating system.
Then it happened again:
Me: Hey. I’m alone in the can. 
Guru: All righty then. Where are your kids?
Me: At practice. I’m just sitting here.
Guru: And you thought you’d text me?
Me: Yes. Peaceful here. Like it here. Never leaving.
Guru: I’m glad that you like it in the can.
Me: WHAT? WAIT. Oh my God.
Guru: Your phone wins again.

"Out of line" becomes "out of lube".
Me: Your kids are being horrible to each other.
Cap’n: I’m sorry.
Me: Seriously. I just screamed at them and then I had to apologize for yelling.
Cap’n: Sounds rough.
Me: IT WAS ROUGH. But I was out of lube. 
Cap’n: Say what now?
Me: I had to apologize because I was out of lube.
Me: Oh dear God. Out of line. I was out of line.
Cap'n: This is becoming a real problem. 

Sometimes it happens when I try to comment on someone's Facebook status like this one:
Status: My cousin writes things and she wrote this thing and it’s very good so you should read it. (included a link to a blog post I wrote)
Me: Cousin Rachel, you are a very nice lay.
Me: LADY. You are a nice lady! Not lay! Maybe you’re a nice lay, I don’t know. DAMMIT. I’m sorry.
Me: This is awkward.
Me: I’m just deleting it all.
Me: I can’t. It’s your post. Shit.
Me: Don’t read this, anyone. Just don’t. 
Me: I’m deleting all my comments now.
(deleted everything - hopefully she and Aunt Mary didn't see it. Until now.)

Last time becomes lady time.
Me: Sorry it was weird lady time at the pool.
Friend: What are you talking about?
Me: It was weird lady time because the pool was closed for lap swimming.
Friend: At my pool we call that "lap swimming", not weird lady time. 
Friend: Are there a lot of weird ladies who swim laps at your pool or something?
Me: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: Oh. F$%CKING PHONE. Last time. Not lady time.
Friend: That makes more sense, weird lady.

The there was possibly the most humiliating swype-related disaster in my professional blogging life. It occurred in an email. WHY, SWYPE? WHHHYYYYY?! I never even use that word EVER. I am embarrassed to THINK that word and I always use the word "post". Why would you autocorrect "post" for another word? I HATE YOU. 

Me: I just wanted to send you a quick thank you for this opportunity. I'm really grateful. I think this pussy will resonate with our readers and do really well. Please let me know when you intend to run the pussy and I will do what I can on this end to promote it via social media. 

Oh but it gets worse.
When I told some of my friends that I was doing this and that no one would believe it was actually this bad, they were like - OH YES IT IS. Then they were all: remember that time your phone turned "hurry" into "hussy" and your text was all "Need to get church ok hussy"  or how it always wants to turn the word white into "whore"?

And you guys - my children's elementary school has the word WHITE in it's name. Things like that.  So yes, I remember. And I hate you Swype.

Then Guru emailed me this:
Do you remember this one from earlier this summer? This was an actual text conversation we had and I saved it because it makes me laugh on a bad day. 
Guru: Congrats on your 'Sweet Spot' post doing so well!
Lydia: Thanks! If another pussy gets widely seen like my sweet spot pussy I will be so happy!
Guru: Wow. I hope there is another sweet spot pussy in your future.
Lydia: I'm such an Puerto
Lydia: Gah!
Lydia: Idiot
Lydia: Duck it. I'm going to put my kids to bed.
Yours in shame,

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013


  1. Oh my... haven't laughed that hard in a long time! Just awesome!

  2. Bwahahaha! It's nice to know I'm not the only one Swype conspires against!!

  3. um.. so why don't you just shut of Swype? Can I just recommend a Windows Phone for a minute here? My phone NEVER EVER does shit like that.. Dear Lord.

  4. Please add me to your texting list...I need this in my daily life!!! lol

  5. just so you're aware, there is a way to remove words from your swype dictionary.

    > To remove a default dictionary word, Swype the word you wish to remove, then press-hold on the word in the WCL. After you confirm to remove the word when the popup prompt appears, the word won't get in your way again!

    Obviously this won't help in all cases, but it might help you remove crucial words from your inadvertant vocabulary :).

  6. I'm dying, and i feel your pain because it happens to me all the effing time!!!!

  7. I am SHAKING from laughing so hard--just shared on facebook. Love you--you make my day!!

  8. Oh Lydia. Well, I will give you a Shame Gift.

    My husband and I make fudge every year for Christmas. It's like a two day process because it has to sit for a day before you can cut it and wrap it.

    Soooo my husband was at work and his coworkers asked him to go for a beer and he said"no thanks, I have to go home and pack fudge with my wife."

    Cue HORROR.

    Then he came home and told me how our innocent Christmas gifts went XXX nasty and then it kind of slipped into our conversation and we would call each other fudge packer. Our son was not talking yet. He is now.

    The end.

    1. Oh. My. Word! This is hysterical. Thank you for sharing the Shame Gift with us all. Katherine

  9. Thank you for the laugh...I love it.

  10. I think you need to wash your phone with soap.

  11. This summer I was making rare plans for a girls getaway with my BFF, leaving the kidlets with my husband. BFF and I were going to the town of Duck in the Outer Banks (NC.) Sent her this text as I got on my way: "Just left home and headed to Fuck!" Not quite the kind of girls weekend we had planned.

  12. Oh my holy God I haven't laughed this hard in...I can't even name a last time! I am in my cubicle at work, 37 weeks pregnant, crying from laughing so hard and praying I don't pee myself. My sides hurt from laughing. This is fantastic.

  13. That is all so authentic and true!! Hilarious! I often just want to leave my messages in incorrect swype format because soon, it'll be another language and we'll be pros at decoding. So so so funny!!!

  14. Lol - Here's one of mine for you. I am a realtor and I always text my husband before and after a showing just in case. Old Auto Correct changed pets to pants:
    Me: I am done with my showing, it went well, I hope they take it.
    Hub: That's good. what are the people like?
    Me: Single guy with no pants.
    Hub: Sounds interesting...
    Me: That's PETS! PETS!
    Hub: I'm showing this to everyone at work.

  15. I should not have read this while nursing my daughter to sleep. I am shaking with laughter amd trying not to let my tears fall on her face.

  16. I just spent so, so long on the phone to various people trying to find a package that I mistakenly had mailed to my old address. The USPS phone service is a special kind of hell.

    All that to say, I REALLY appreciated reading this post after that. I feel so much better. :)

  17. Autocorrect and it's bff Swype are plotting against us. I laughed so hard I cried while reading this.

  18. Oh. My. Gawd. This made me laugh really hard. And I had to do it quietly because my kids are in bed and there are four of them and hells no I do not want them to wake up yet. So I had to hold it in and it now my stomach hurts and I think that I have a hernia, but it was WORTH IT! Thanks for that laugh!

  19. ROFL...I agree, my stomach hurts now, but it was so worth it!

    As a side phone likes correcting "payday" to the other p...y your phone also likes. So, yeah, texting to co-workers is dangerous. Luckily they know me well enough to know that's not language I use, so they believe me when I yell at autocorrect!

  20. I am crying, I think I peed a little, and if anyone walked by they would think my grandmother just died frm the way I am sobbing.




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