I just figured this out about Halloween.

So I just had this major epiphany about Halloween. First, you should know that it's my 2nd favorite holiday (behind Christmas). And my kids? They are in love with Halloween. If you were to look at them and say "If you love it so much why don't you marry it?" they would be all "OK. I will totally marry Halloween. DONE."

But lately, I've come to realize that in spite of my love for it, Halloween is sort of against me. Because if you ask my kids what they love most about it, it's all the things that I - as a parent - dislike about the holiday.

Here is what I'm talking about - in handy little graphic form:

See? I'm right. But I still love Halloween.

xo, Lydia

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Guru Says Thanks and a Round-Up!

Doesn't it look like I'm about to hit her with her baby soap? Yeeeaaahhhh.

Heeeeeeeey there pretty ladies. I just wanted kick this post off by thanking you all for your support and internet-high-fives you sent me after my Good Morning America hoopla. It was two weeks ago and my family is still recovering. Imagine if you found out right now that national TV would be filming in your house in 24 hours...then imagine the amount of crazy you would muster to make a house under renovation look halfway decent. You guys, I went completely bat schmidt insane. I tossed things in bags and boxes and just started stuffing things in closets, Cheaper By the Dozen-style. I still don't know where my sneakers are. Whatever.

The point is, internet-ass-slaps all around for being so awesome while my life got turned upside down!

I Know How to NOT Pay Attention Really Well

The very first I need to tell you is that this is a sponsored post. The very next thing I need to tell you is that I would have done this for free because it's a great campaign to help save teenagers' lives but please DON'T TELL THE SPONSOR THAT. Besides I already have plans for that money and also nobody likes a damn tattle tale. 

The Predictor: Just How Crazy Will Mommy Be?

A couple of years ago, I discovered the Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral. Then there was a crude attempt to apply it to a calendar (that no one could read). Now there's this. This is a predictive tool to help friends, children, partners and husbands figure out just how crazy the mommy in their life will be during this harrowing time.

I shouldn't say all mommies. Some mommies have their schmidt together and spend the month of December joyfully baking nut and gluten-free cookies while singing carols and stroking their children's hair.

To those women, I salute you. I commend you. And I urge you to click away now because this predictor will probably only annoy you. For everyone else, read and enjoy.

(To enlarge the image, click on it)

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

The Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral

I originally wrote this post in 2010. Apparently my life has not really changed at all in the past 3 years. My kids are bigger and more self-sufficient so I was under the false impression that, I would re-read this post and be all - I was so adorable and flustered with my tiny little kids.

That's right, Ricky Gervais. It's funny. It's hilarious. Go on and laugh. At me. At my expense. Because I just figured out that it doesn't matter how old my kids are or what stage of the parenting cycle in which I find myself. I will remain a jackass who is forever frenetically flapping about.

Welcome to the Death Spiral, my sisters. It is upon us.

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Total Eclipse of the YES OMG YES!

I have nothing to add to this except to say that the College Humor people who did this video should receive the Nobel Prize for Complete Awesomeness.

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Domestic Enemies of the Mom with Kids From Multiple Dads

Here's a perspective from a mom who is ripe for judgement - the mom who has kids with different dads. Here's what she has to say.

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I have two beautiful boys. They have two different Dads. And it should go without saying, but that doesn’t make me a horrible person. 

First of all, no - this is not what I wanted or planned for my life. I don’t remember ever sitting in my basement bedroom as a 14 year old girl thinking, “I sure hope I have more than one kid with more than one man and marry neither of them. That would be so amazeballs.” Second, I don’t think I am much different than most of the girls in my age group (at least from my graduating class). We all had boyfriends. Most of us had sex. Do I wish I’d made better choices in my life? YES. Would I undo anything in my life? NO. 

Inches and Seconds and Luck

Last week, something really scary happened to me -- or nearly happened.  A tiny child came within a whisker’s breadth of losing his life. He is fine - no harm to anyone. Except perhaps the shattered nerves of the two mothers who saw it happen.

I was picking up my youngest from pre-school. I started the car and did my usual check. Are you buckled, small person? Affirmative. Then I checked my mirrors and looked over my shoulder before I put the car in reverse and started to back out. 

About Christmas and the Gift Card Exchange

Hello.

I should have written this weeks ago, but the truth is - I've been procrastinating because I don't like making this official. Here it is: We are not doing a gift card exchange this year. For the past two years, Kate, Guru and I have loved and labored over over the holiday gift card exchange.

Last year did not go well. From the technology end, everything fell apart, making our job ten times harder. People very kindly offered to help us with amazing ideas and offers of their time. To every single person who offered to help us,  I can't say this enough:
THANK YOU. Thank you thank you thank you.

Lydia Interviews the Incredible Hulk for The Mommy Show

You guys all know Ilana, right? She's Mommy Shorts and she just started a new show! It's a web series where she runs a talk show out of her apartment and interviews celebrities while she's taking care of her two kids. They are quick 4 minute videos that so far have included things like timing Taye Diggs as he tries to open the baby proofing on her toilet and challenging Rachel Dratch to collapse her double stroller. 

So in an effort to support her in this awesome new venture, I decided to pretend that I was hosting an episode of her show. She told me I should pick a celebrity and imagine what it would be like to have them sit in my living room with me. So of everyone in the whole world, I picked the Incredible Hulk. Please bear with me, because the Hulk truly is incredible and you're about to KNOW THAT. 

Guru was on Good Morning America!!!

Here it is! Her GMA debut and for the first time ever, you get to see what a Mommyland blogger's actual kids look like! And her house! OMG!!!

  Breaking News



(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Dinner with Judy

Last Saturday, was crazy. There was a ton of kid stuff scheduled throughout the day, starting at 8:30 am and going until the evening.  Why are weekends so nuts now?

It was 7:00pm by the time my whole family was finally in one place. Everyone was exhausted and starving and we just did not have the energy to pull dinner together. The Cap'n gallantly offered to take us all out to dinner.

It was so nice of him but we really should have just ordered pizza or eaten PB&J's. Because we forgot Rule of Parenting #312: When children are exhausted and starving, the last place they should ever be is a restaurant.

Don't Ask Your Kids: What did you do when daddy was away?

The Cap'n just got home from a business trip where he had been out of the country for a while. At breakfast this morning, he looked at the faces of his smiling children and was like: "So… kids, what did you do when I was away?"

OF COURSE, those little heifers told him every single thing I let them do to: 
(a) turn "sad kitten daddy is gone faces" into "happy kitten mommy is in charge" faces, 
(b) make my life slightly easier because he was gone and I was sick, and 
(c) try to manage on my own with 3 kids, 2 jobs and 1 house partially under construction.

The Domestic Enemies of the Older Mom

Totally kidding. In real, life she's hawt.

This one is for all my Advanced Maternal Age homies... Meet Katy:

Katy is the 40-year old mom of a nearly-three year old. Between yelling at teenagers to get off her lawn and turning down that damn music on the radio, she works full-time and attempts to read grown-up books. Mostly, she cleans up old food on the floor and dresses up as Cinderella's godmother. Every once awhile, she thinks fondly of the sleep she got in her 20's, but not-so-secretly, she thinks she hit the parenting jackpot with a great kid.

Wheaton's Law: Don't Be A Dick

In yesterday's post I discussed Wheaton's Law and applied it to why I shouldn't let myself go down the Bad Mommy Shame Spiral. The more I thought about it though, the more I was like - I need Wheaton's Law to play a larger role in my everyday life. 

As you know, I really enjoy making annoying and ugly little signs and hanging them all over my house to remind me of things I think are important. Other people buy them and they look nice. But not me. Noooooo. Because I believe in crafts.

First there was this one:

Because that's what she said. And also, you know I love Glennon.

The Bad Mommy Shame Spiral

I'm feeling bad right now. I lost it last week and yelled at my kids. Not just a little bit, either. Like full out, Disney-villian style yelling. I holler to make myself heard over all the noise in my house, but I don't scream like that very often. So right now I'm at the tail-end of what I call The Bad Mommy Shame Spiral.

Perhaps you're thinking: "What the hell are you talking about?" Basically what happens is the kids do something crazy; I react by being more crazy and screaming my head off; then they freak out because I freaked out, and we all end up crying. Then I spend a week beating myself up because I'm the worst parent ever.