Thursday, October 17, 2013

Domestic Enemies of the Mom with Kids From Multiple Dads

Here's a perspective from a mom who is ripe for judgement - the mom who has kids with different dads. Here's what she has to say.

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I have two beautiful boys. They have two different Dads. And it should go without saying, but that doesn’t make me a horrible person. 

First of all, no - this is not what I wanted or planned for my life. I don’t remember ever sitting in my basement bedroom as a 14 year old girl thinking, “I sure hope I have more than one kid with more than one man and marry neither of them. That would be so amazeballs.” Second, I don’t think I am much different than most of the girls in my age group (at least from my graduating class). We all had boyfriends. Most of us had sex. Do I wish I’d made better choices in my life? YES. Would I undo anything in my life? NO. 
Anyway, I’ve met a lot of presumptuous people since I became a Mom for the first time 5 years ago. I’ve also met a lot of awesome people. But to keep true to the spirit of this post, I’m just going to talk about the presumptuous ones. So here are the domestic enemies of the mom with kids from more than one dad:
The Perfectly Balanced Family: 
I try to take every opportunity to teach my boys that everyone’s family is different. But some people obviously didn’t get that speech from their parents. The balanced family likes to look at my family and think, “What a mess that situation is. Those poor kids must be messed up.” 

Thanks, but not really. It’s not an ideal situation, but my kids are awesome and our family? Also awesome. My kiddos play nicely and respectfully with your kids on the playground (and unlike some other kids - don’t teach them things like how to make a toothbrush into a knife). They have manners, they don’t hit and they love their Dads just like your kids do. Every family is different but if you raise your kids right, every family can also be balanced.
The Pure People: 
Apparently, I'm impure. “She has two kids with two different men. She must be a whore!” While I’ve obviously had more than one sexual partner that does not mean that I’ve slept with an entire football team worth of men. Nor does that mean that I have casual sex, bring strange men around my kids, or introduce them to every man I date. In fact, my kids have only met one man I’ve dated. One. 
The “Responsible” People: 
This is because I am also apparently, irresponsible. These people don’t think I know what a condom or birth control is…. Except I do. Not that it's any of their business but I understand and use both traditional birth control and family planning methods. They are not all fool-proof and I have two beautiful children who serve as evidence of that.
The Abortion and Adoption Preachers: 
I was talking to a lady once who didn’t know my kids had two different dads and she said some really dumb stuff me. Like, “How unfair is it to bring a child into this world when the mom and dad are not together? What kind of life will that poor child have? There’s these things called abortion and adoption.” 

I just nodded and smiled while envisioning striking her in the throat with my hand. So, a child  - any child - is better off being aborted or adopted than being with a single mother? Is that your argument? Because lady, that is bonkers.

I've heard these kinds of statements before. I truly wish pro-choicers would give others just that – a choice - and without judgement. And let's be honest, while adoption is beautiful and wonderful it's undeniably complicated and not some easy answer. Like parents who wonder who their child became and a child who wonders why their parents didn’t “want” them. And what about the heartbreak for EVERYONE when a woman agrees to give her child up and then changes her mind? That's tough stuff. 

And at the end of the day, my kids were unplanned but not unwanted.* They are my loves, my responsibility and the best part of my life. Ideal situation or not.

(*According the CDC, 49% of pregnancies are unintended. So there's also that. xo, Lydia)
I’m sure there are more domestic enemies and I know I will encounter more as the years go on but here’s the deal: Please don’t judge someone based on what you see. Because seeing and knowing are the not the same thing.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

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