Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Don't Ask Your Kids: What did you do when daddy was away?

The Cap'n just got home from a business trip where he had been out of the country for a while. At breakfast this morning, he looked at the faces of his smiling children and was like: "So… kids, what did you do when I was away?"

OF COURSE, those little heifers told him every single thing I let them do to: 

(a) turn "sad kitten daddy is gone faces" into "happy kitten mommy is in charge" faces, 
(b) make my life slightly easier because he was gone and I was sick, and 
(c) try to manage on my own with 3 kids, 2 jobs and 1 house partially under construction.

So the Cap'n asked the kids what they did when he was away and here's what they said:

Mini: I watched TV.
Hawk: (shrugs) Minecraft.
'Lina: Well, I overslept a lot but that was good. I was tired because of how late we went to bed.
Hawk: Mom bought me a coke with caffeine and everything. And not a small! A medium! From McDonalds!
Mini: All the mommies came over and sat on the floor in the mommy room and they ate in there and drank in there and you're NOT apposed to do that.
Hawk: I had like 12 friends over at one time.
'Lina: We went to the craft store and we got SO MUCH stuff. We could barely carry it to the car.
Hawk: I had a sleep over except we didn't sleep.
'Lina: We went to Mr. Kevin's house to look at the stuff for your bathroom and his squirrel climbed up my shirt and I petted his head. The squirrel's head.
Mini: I wore my tutu all day long.
Hawk: We had donuts for breakfast that we got at the store that mom said were too expensive. They're special because they're pumpkin donuts.

'Lina: Mommy made us pick up our rooms because the day you left she called the cleaning lady that you say she can never, ever call again because we're not "cleaning lady people". But the cleaning lady came and that's why the house isn't gross. She says when you leave the country, she can call the cleaning lady.

The Cap'n just stared at me, over his glasses, expressionless. 

Thank you for all the truth, children. Thank you.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013


  1. This made me think of a news article I've watched recently, thought you might appreciate it! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-24426669 My favourite part is when the interview tries to sympathetically ask a nine-year-old boy "Do you think of Daddy every day when he is gone?" and the boy replies with "No, we try to forget about him". Ace. Looks like it could be a really useful kids book for those of you involved, although IDK if it's available over the pond for you...

  2. HA!! My husband lives in the next country over (long story, but it happens, what with jobs and schools, etc), so when he comes in on the weekends, the little minions are required to SHAPE UP. When Dad's away, the mice play.

  3. Damn kids!!! I guess it's your turn to leave the country now. Enjoy!

  4. Damn skippy you can call the cleaning lady! Did you know that until the 70's, most women had household help? My grandmother had a cleaning lady, and she was a stay-at-home mom. And everyone knows that when the other adult leaves the country, all rules are temporarily suspended at the discretion of the remaining parent. Even rules about doughnuts.

  5. I LOVE that you called the cleaning lady. That's the best.

  6. Total reverse at our house....my kids cheer for "boys night"....it means, pizza, ice cream, too much time on electronics and no showers or baths required...but it does mean a hard bedtime of 8pm, Daddy's gotta get his beauty sleep

  7. I broke down last month and hired cleaning ladies. It took four people 5 1/2 hours to clean my disgusting house. I was simultaneously filled with shame and relief. Did I mention that my house is only 1,400 sq ft? Yeah. That. I'm now "cleaning lady people", beacause f*** that schmidt.

    1. I love you, too. I also know how to spell 'because', for the record.

  8. My husband left town today. My friends are coming over this afternoon. There will be wine. Tomorrow there will be donuts. I'll have to remember to bribe my children for their silence.

  9. damn! I am SO calling a cleaning lady the next time Chops leaves the country! He's on his way home from Bahrain right now. We do mostly the same stuff when he's home as when he's gone though...I can never remember the last time my kids bathed, we eat Wing Stop too often and I usually throw things away, hahahah!

  10. I"m so concerned now. I'm going on my first business trip in 2 weeks and leaving the 16 month old at home with her dad for 5 days. I don't really even want to think of how much MR Noodles they will eat while I"m gone, even with a fully stocked freezer full of meals I put down before hand.

  11. I love you. I do. But not in a scary stalker way. You make me feel so very...not.alone. LOL. Now, to get him out of the country so I can be cleaning lady people...

  12. Bahahaha!!!! My kids would have been all, "We slept in mommy's bed EVERY NIGHT and ate Taco Bell for dinner!"

  13. "Those little heifers" lmao
    My husband has suggested a cleaning lady and EVERY.TIME I refuse lol

  14. Thank you for reminding us that the children CAN tell the truth, remember things from days ago, and highlight what they think is important. as they get older, it gets even more unique. trust me. :)

  15. OMG how funny! I wish my husband would leave the country so I can call the cleaning lady!

  16. My husband is an airline pilot and the same thing happens every week in our house. EVERY DAMN WEEK. I will even do my best to NOT let them do bad things all day and actually take them to library and color with them and work on ACADEMICS with them (especially on the day we know he is coming home). Then they will get on phone to daddy and say "I JUST PLAYED IPAD FOR LIKE THE WHOLE DAY!!!!" (To the man who thinks they should only play 20 minutes every other day). I'm in the background screaming "NO! Tell him about our walk to the playground and working on letters and the library and the healthy dinner you ate! TELL HIM THAT!" FINALLY they are starting to learn to not ask for the ipad until daddy has pulled out of the driveway.
    --Anonymous airline wife.

  17. I'm a single parent of two very messy, disgusting girls. I never knew girls could be so gross. Anyway, because I like a clean house and I work full-time, not to mention all the mommy duties, I am "cleaning lady people" too. No shame in my game!

  18. This made me snort so loud I almost woke the baby.

  19. Yes, it is possible to love you more now that I know you're a pilot's wife! You could do an entire series on this alone! My Cap'n just got home after a 4 day trip and 3 days of recurrent training. I didn't think I'd survive the last 1.5 hours! He said, "What happened? You were in a good mood the last time I talked to you." WTF?




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