Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Dinner with Judy

Last Saturday, was crazy. There was a ton of kid stuff scheduled throughout the day, starting at 8:30 am and going until the evening.  Why are weekends so nuts now?

It was 7:00pm by the time my whole family was finally in one place. Everyone was exhausted and starving and we just did not have the energy to pull dinner together. The Cap'n gallantly offered to take us all out to dinner.

It was so nice of him but we really should have just ordered pizza or eaten PB&J's. Because we forgot Rule of Parenting #312: When children are exhausted and starving, the last place they should ever be is a restaurant.

Once we decided to go, everyone needed to change clothes, as we were all filthy. The big kids appeared in slightly nicer, stain-free outfits. I didn't realize that Mini was so tired she was bordering on drunk until she came downstairs. She came strutting down the steps with a smug expression on her face. She was wearing a tattered, ill-fitting sun dress, sparkly high heeled shoes and an extremely fancy faux fur jacket. She was also clutching a purple vinyl purse stuffed full of dolls. She looked me in the eye and raised one small eyebrow.

I shrugged and told them all to get in the car. I was too tired to argue with her and frankly, she looked like a 4 year old Miss Havisham and it was really freaking funny.

By the time we got to the restaurant, there was just no denying it - Mini was hammered. She walked up to the hostess stand and grabbed a toothpick. She looked around and yawned a couple of times, as if everything bored her. When it was time to follow the hostess to our table, she click-click-clicked in her high heels through the dining room, daintily picking her teeth with one hand and clutching her purse with the other. She nodded at the restaurant's patrons graciously, acknowledging their looks and smiles.

The Cap'n and I made eye contact. This was going to be bad. We considered turning around and just going home but there was nothing to eat there. We proceeded cautiously.

When the waiter asked for her drink order, she smiled sweetly and said "CHOCOLATE MILK!" like he really should have known better (she then proceeded to drink four of them in quick succession). As we apologized for her lack of manners and stared at her in horror, she began singing at the table. First it was a song she made up. Her made-up songs are amazing by the way, but probably not for everyone. Then she transitioned to something from Les Miserables.

Me: "Sweetie, there's no singing at the table."
Mini: "DO YOU HEAR DA PEOPLE SING?!"
Me: "Please stop. Right now. This is not appropriate."
Mini: (defiantly)"SINGING DA SONGS OF ANGWY MEN!"
Hawk: (her 8 year old brother) "I love that song."
Mini: (smiling and slurring her words) "Then I am tired of singing it."
Mini put her head on the table for a minute to rest. Then she looked up, popped her faux fur collar and gave us a dazzling smile.
Cap'n: "Dear Lord. It's like having dinner with Judy Garland in 1969."
Me: (eyes wide, nodding) "YES."
Mini: "I need another drink. Waiter!"
Waiter: (appearing as if by magic, or compelled by Mini's need for more chocolate milk) "What can I get you?"
Cap'n: "I'll have the --"
Mini: "CORN DOG."

We all stopped and looked at her. She looked CrAzY. She was making a face like this:


Mini: (pointing at me, making the face) CORN DOG.
Mini: (pointing emphatically at the Cap'n, making the face) CORN DOG.
Mini: (pointing at her brother) 'ORN DOG.
Me: (whispering to the Cap'n) Did she just say horn dog?
Mini: (pointing at her sister, still making the face) 'ORN DOG.
Waiter: So corn dogs?
Mini: (nodding, with crazy eyes) YES. (pauses) I HAVE THE HICCUPS NOW.

The dinner proceeded to get weirder. Usually, we do this thing at the dinner table where we identify the high and low moments of our day. We call it "Good, Bad, Silly & Grateful". Mini started yelling and waving around her toothpick. "IT'S TIME FOR GOOD, BAD, SILLY & GRAVY. NOW. YOU GO, FIRST. START WITH GRAVY."

Let's not even discuss the looks that the people at the other tables were giving us at this point. Or the fact that her exhausted brother and sister were peeing their pants laughing at her, which of course made it worse.

The food finally came and since we were all starving, we tucked into our meals with gusto. A minute later, I heard a noise. It sounded like: mmmmmmmMMMMmmmmm. I looked at Mini. She was passed out in her chair with her head thrown back and her arms sprawled out, her faux fur jacket providing ample warmth and padding. It was 8:36 pm.

We quickly finished our dinner and headed home. As we tucked our sweet cuckoo bird into bed, she kicked off her high heels and murmured something about how much she loved us. Then she sort of snarled and rolled over.

We love you, too, Mini Dearest.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

40 comments:

  1. this may be one of the best things I've ever read

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  2. OMG! First of all after having the worst 16 days of my life this made me smile and laugh more then I have lately. Made my day. I feel like I just need to meet Mini to see this for myself. LOL And secondly I love the Good, Bad, Silly and Grateful! I may just steal this for my family. Thanks.

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  3. Laughing so hard right now! Your Mini is so epic! Especially because every time my husband and his brother get together they HAVE to see who can sing les mis the loudest. You didn't run into one of them five years ago, by any chance did you?

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  4. Haha, love it. My 2.5yo daughter is like a mini-Mini. If that makes sense. She pulls stunts like that all the time - most recently getting her first ever haircut, the lady was brushing her hair and m,y little looks at her reflection, sighned loudly, and said "I'm not READY to be a princess." (Sofia, anyone?). And I mostly can't correct her behavior because I am too busy hiding my face so she doesn't see me laughing and get encouraged!

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  5. I snorted so hard that I just sprained an adenoid. I'm stalking this page so hard now.

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  6. Laughing so hard I'm crying! Love Mini :)

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  7. Oh my! Loved this so much! Been There, Done That!! Kids are the best!

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  8. Hilarious! I would love to be a fly on the wall, but this will have to do!

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  9. Speaking of Mommie Dearest - can we have a T-Box Taste Test where we sit around & watch the movie & just get a little tipsy together? Does that not sound like a fantastic evening with Kate? (I miss you guys...)

    NEVER USE WIRE HANGERS!

    Those eyebrows....

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  10. I was guffawing to begin with, and then got to the "Mini Dearest". OMG, the crying. Have finally pulled myself together enough to post. Woman, you are a genius. And doomed. But mostly a genius!

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  11. I have tears running down my face I am laughing so hard!

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  12. Oh god.......I need for Mini to meet my Darth Molly. The world would implode. Except when we laugh at Molly she gets PO'd and goes off on us in such a vicious manner that it's hard not to laugh louder. This story made me nearly wet myself laughing. Thank you!!

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  13. Oh my! It seems exhausted kiddos are the source of much amusement! This is like a female version of my 4 year old. I can not imagine how hard it is to keep a straight face through some of this, though at that moment, I imagine its horrifyingly embarrassing! At least it wasn't a meltdown! :-)

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  14. BWAH HA HA HA!! Crying with laughter! This is so awesome, especially because it is your story...not mine! ;)-Ashley

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  15. This is by far my favorite series of posts. I love stories about Mini and I can't stop laughing at this installment. Thank you for the morning laugh!

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  16. Anyone that does not have a daughter could think you were making this up (as if anyone would have the imagination for it!) but when my daughter was 4 I had to refer to her as 'Lois' for a year, not anything close to her real name, and one of her favourite performers. She would prance out, fully made up, in one of her dresses, sit down, cross her legs and give me a look of disdain. Then she would tell me my clothes were ready laid out on my bed (she would chose the fanciest things she could find in my closet, sadly disappointed in my daily jeans and t-shirt). Your Mini is a force to try to be reckoned with!!! love her! Mine is now 28 and still one of the strongest, most amazing women I know.

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  17. Does the Cap'n always have such awesome one liners? This story is great!

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  18. This is one of the best posts I have read in a very long time!~ I love that your family is just at nuts as mine!

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  19. OMGosh. Laughed so hard I cried. I shall now go to trial with not only, spit up antibiotic on my blazer, yogurt on my pants, and crazy-no-time-to-dry-or style-it hair, but now smeared eyeliner and mascara. I'm sure the judge will be impressed.

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  20. Conversations with Mini are MY FAVORITE! I want to be her BFF. Just too good.

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  21. Snort - I've been at that dinner. Only instead of Judy, it's dinner with Jerry Lewis.

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  22. Every time I read something about Mini I realize how much alike she and my 3 year old Lala are. I totally had her in my mind while reading this story; I can see her doing this. Today she bit her older sister, and when I got upset with her she clarified it for me. "I did it on purpose."

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  23. Oh wow. *wipes tear* You paint quite the picture. ;-) HILARIOUS. I laughed so hard I was crying. Thanks for the ab workout!

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  24. I could barely read past the picture! I started laughing so hard I cried and couldn't see, and when I could see again I would see the picture again and it would start all over! Wow, so so funny.

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  25. This is awesome! Judy Garland, indeed.

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  26. I am seriously crying from laughing so hard! I've loved Mini ever since I read about her being the cupcake baked by the devil, sitting on the countertop surrounded by knives and such :) I am pregnant with a girl and I secretly hope she is as funny as Mini! My son (2.5) is super sweet and cute and stubborn, but he is traditionally funny - Not "Did he just say/do that?!" funny!

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  27. I lost it at the 1969 Judy Garland reference.

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  28. Holy crap- Mini and Kraken *really* need to meet up for cocktails...

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  29. Oh my gosh, this is one of the best stories I have heard in a long time! I hope that at some point in their lives we can get Mini and Adolpha together, because it sounds like they have the same style and taste in beverages. Although Adolpha loves a good musical (her favorite is currently Fiddler on the Roof) she has yet to make it through Les Mis because once Fantine gets her hair cut Adolpha loses it. That beautiful hair!

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  30. laughing to tears. Bravo mini.

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  31. God you have a good one on your hands!! I love it!

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  32. Crying. Never stop telling Mini stories!

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  33. This was awesome. All she needs is a mic.

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  34. Hahaha!!!! I LOVE this!! I hope my daughter is as entertaining and my (future) husband also!!

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  35. this just made me snort laugh

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  36. this has got to be the best post yet! I am crying my eyes out...at my desk....thank goodness I don't work in a cubicle...

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