You guys all know Ilana, right? She's Mommy Shorts and she just started a new show! It's a web series where she runs a talk show out of her apartment and interviews celebrities while she's taking care of her two kids. They are quick 4 minute videos that so far have included things like timing Taye Diggs as he tries to open the baby proofing on her toilet and challenging Rachel Dratch to collapse her double stroller.
So in an effort to support her in this awesome new venture, I decided to pretend that I was hosting an episode of her show. She told me I should pick a celebrity and imagine what it would be like to have them sit in my living room with me. So of everyone in the whole world, I picked the Incredible Hulk. Please bear with me, because the Hulk truly is incredible and you're about to KNOW THAT.
Lydia: Hulk, thank you so much for coming to this imaginary edition of The Mommy Show.
Lydia: My husband was a little concerned about having you over, but I assured him that you were perfectly safe.
Hulk: HULK NOT SAFE.
Lydia: I really enjoyed the Downton Abbey episode recaps you did with the very talented Eden Kennedy.
Hulk: GOOD SHOW.
Lydia: And our email correspondence was really interesting. I'm so impressed with your efforts to work through your anger productively.
Lydia: Would you like a drink or something? Maybe some water?
Hulk: HULK LIKE PINOT NOIR.
Lydia: Me too, it's my favorite.
Hulk: HULK KNOW. BRING AS HOSTESS GIFT.
Lydia: Thank you so much. Shall we both have a glass?
Hulk: (grunts) PLEASE.
(I scurry off to kitchen and return with 2 glasses)
Lydia: (hands Hulk his wine) One of the reasons I wanted to interview you is that I lose it with my kids sometimes. I've been struggling with my own rage issues and I feel like maybe I need some advice to keep it under control.
Hulk: (sips wine) ANGER NOT ALWAYS BAD.
Lydia: (also sipping) This wine is really good. And you're right - anger is sometimes a natural response, a healthy one. But I need to stop yelling at my kids. That's not healthy.
Lydia: Possibly. But I guess I was looking for some more immediate and actionable suggestions. Things that have worked for you.
Hulk: LYDIA NOT READY.
Lydia: I'm ready to make a change. I really am.
Hulk: THEN ASK SELF WHY SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME? WHAT REAL REASON?
Lydia: (sips. sips again.) That's a good question. I don't know the answer.
Hulk: HULK SAID YOU NOT READY. HULK RIGHT.
Lydia: Maybe not.
Hulk: HULK FEEL LIKE BIKRAM YOGA MIGHT HELP.
Lydia: That's the hot kind, right?
Hulk: WHEN HULK IN INDIA LAST YEAR, LEARN THAT BIKRAM REALLY BEST FOR LETTING GO OF SMALL STUFF. ALL ABOUT BREATHING.
Lydia: I don't know. It's just not me. I've been running a lot. I'm training for a 5K.
Hulk: RUNNING TOO HARD ON KNEES. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL PERSON BUT EXTRA WEIGHT NOT HELPING STRESS ON JOINTS.
Lydia: That's true. You seem very knowledgable about this. Hey, would you like another glass?
Hulk: (nodding) HULK STUDY LYRICAL DANCE AT NEW SCHOOL IN NEW YORK FOR THREE YEARS.
Lydia: (goes to get more wine. conversation continues) Really?
Hulk: IMPORTANT THAT HULK KNOW HIS BODY.
Hulk: YOU DON'T KNOW OWN BODY. HULK CAN TELL.
Lydia: You're getting kind of personal. But yes, I think you're right.
Hulk: BODY CHANGED. IDENTITY CHANGED. KIDS CHANGE EVERYTHING. NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Lydia: I certainly do know who I am. I'm just adjusting to having a slightly bigger ass.
Hulk: NO. (pats me on the arm) YOU HAVE BIG ASS FOR LONG TIME. NOT IT. LYDIA NOT KNOW SELF ANYMORE. CONFUSED BY TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLE THAT NOW CONSUMES LIFE. REASON WHY YOU SCREAM AT KIDS SOMETIMES.
Lydia: I... I have... I don't...
Hulk: ALSO NEED MORE SLEEP. LESS TV. TOO MUCH BRAVO AND HOUSE HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL.
Lydia: I feel like... You really get it.
Hulk: HULK UNSTOPPABLE RAGE MONSTER, NOT STUPID.
Lydia: (shrugs and nods) Yes.
Hulk: TIME TO HUG IT OUT.
Lydia: You bet. Bring it in, big guy.
Hulk: HULK RESENT SIZIST REFERENCE. YOU ONE WITH BIG ASS.
Lydia: I'm sorry. I...
Hulk: HULK KIDDING. LYDIA TOO SENSITIVE. NEED MORE PINOT. HULK BRING.
Lydia: Do you want to stay and watch a movie or something?
Hulk: HULK WANT TO WATCH LES MISERABLES.
Lydia: Oh goody! Can we sing along?
And that was the beginning of my beautiful and imaginary friendship with the Incredible Hulk. Thank you Ilana and The Mommy Show for making this happen.
Also, a quick thank you to Eden Kennedy for letting me take her post about the cast of Twilight and the Hulk directly into crazy town.
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