Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Kids are So Weird and Absurd and They Don't Even Know It

Lately, I've been noticing that a large part of parenting is dealing with my kids just being… ABSURD. And there is a certain degree of futility in dealing with people who are behaving this way but have absolutely no knowledge that they are making no damn sense.

I asked Guru Louise about this, who in addition to being my very dear friend and a mother of three, is also a fully academically and professionally credentialed child development expert. She was like OH HELLS YES I UNDERSTAND. She also said this was normal. 


I shared with her some examples of what I was talking about. Here are some examples starting with baby-age children and going through teenagers. All Some of these examples are our own kids and beloved family members (we won't say which). 

Here's how it works. First, one of our kids or beloved family members does a totally normal (but slightly tedious) thing that most kids their age do. The next thing they do takes it all straight to crazy town and we end up looking like this:


Tom Delonge WTF?

Throws pacifier on the floor. Always.

Loses schmidt when she realizes she no longer has the pacifier. Blames you.


Total meltdown tantrum about taking a bath. 
Won't get out of the tub. 


Complains about being tired.
Refuses to take a nap.

Beg and begs for chocolate milk.
Sobs on the floor and refuses to drink any because she didn't get to stir it.  


Calls ketchup and yogurt "too slimey".
Recently ate his own boogers.

Is starving, STARVING (!!) the entire time it takes to cook dinner and is incessantly begging for goldfish and fruit snacks. You put delicious dinner on the table.
Eats 3 bites then asks to watch TV.

Tearfully claims you never get her what she asks for her birthday.
Requests an African zebra.

Gets to pick dinner anywhere he wants! Struggles with choice. Debates it. Tortures siblings with his supreme restaurant choosing power. Picks somewhere expensive/ridiculous/45 minutes away. 
Only going to order Mac n cheese anyway.

Must have the special shoes! It must be THESE special shoes! Please buy them for me!
Wears them once then inexplicably loses one (one!) within the confines of our home.

Begs to be signed up for sports team that is both expensive and extremely time consuming.
Is huge, whiny, sad sack about going to every single practice and game. 
  
Refuses to pick up after the dog because it's so gross.
Never flushes after a deuce.

Sniffs at jacket from Target, asks for North Face instead because of quality.
Passes on the delicious roast chicken you cooked and gets Taco Bell with friends.

Struggles and whines and suffers through hours and hours of homework to finish a project for school.
Forgets to turn it in.

Screams that you are treating them like a baby.
Says this while having a tantrum.

Do you have examples you'd like to share? We'd love to read them. If we get enough, we'll do a round up of the funniest ones.

And just so you know, as I was typing this, my ten year old was reading it over my shoulder. She let out a looong sigh and was like "OK, fine. This all true and stuff, but parents are just as bad." And then she gave me some examples and I was like "OH DEAR GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT." So tomorrow, we will do another post about how I am just as guilty of being tedious and absurd as all the kid weirdisms outlined here.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

57 comments:

  1. Well, at least they're ALL the same!! Can't wait to find out why I'm so absurd and crazy...I mean I already know but specific examples are always great.

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  2. I can't stand when we can only find one shoe. That (usually expensive) shoe just sits there and tortures me. Here's mine:
    Puts on previously worn underwear AFTER a shower.
    "But, Mom! They're my favorite!"

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    Replies
    1. Yes! my children often bathe, and then put on the dirty clothes they were just wearing. WTF?

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  3. Fantastically flips, twists, swings and dangles from the monkey bars like an Olympic champion (giving me mini heart attacks the entire time)....cant walk a straight line (or even sit sometimes) without tripping, stumbling or falling and smacking a body part on something hard.

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    Replies
    1. How do you know my baby sister? lol!!!! When we adopted her, we asked her what she wanted her middle name to be and she said "Grace... because I don't have any!!!!"

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    2. My mom used to joke that that was MY middle name too... or at least it SHOULD have been!

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  4. Love this post. I have one that's been puzzling me, my (almost) 6 year old will watch Star Wars, Indiana Jones, what have you, and is never scared. Then cries in terror if I try to put a Disney movie on that isn't Cars. I don't get it. Like, at all.

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    Replies
    1. I get this one. Loves Labyrinth, Alice in Wonderland (Tim Burton version, with the Jabberwocky and the Jub Jub bird), Walking with Dinosaurs. I put Wall-E on one day and she told me to turn it off because it was too scary!

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    2. I bet that by 'scary' they're actually responding to the emotional distress in a lot of Disney movies (Wall-E makes me cry every time).

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    3. It's probably because Cars is the only Disney (technically Pixar so that explains the paradigm shift) movie where nobody becomes orphaned in the first 15 minutes, subsequently causing your child to sit in terror for the remainder of the film lol

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  5. Refuses to wear anything but dresses one year. The next year refuses to wear dresses. Refuses to wear short shorts one year. The next year refuses to wear anything but short shorts. Refuses to wear anything but sweatpants one year. The next year refuses to wear sweatpants. Begs for a shirt from Delia's. Refuses to wear shirt from Delia's. Should I go on? Kids. Just say no.

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  6. Tells my how mean I am because I won't put a specific (Barbie with the pink bow, not the doggy one!) bandaid on an invisible boo-boo on her eyelid and after I relent tells me how mean I am that I have to pull it off (with most of her eyebrow hair) because it is flapping in her eye. #nowinningatmyhouse

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  7. Insist they need the roomy comfort of a new minivan. All sit in the single-row back seat together.
    *
    Whine they want to watch TV. Wander off mid-program. Lose their schmidt when you turn it off.
    *
    Refuse to take a shower insisting they are clean. 10 minutes after bedtime, come out of room with fresh underwear ready to take a shower. When you send them back to bed, they insist you are ruining their life and making them stink and there's "not time" to shower in the morning.
    *
    Stay up late in the battle against Daylight Savings Time.
    Get up early. Like, earlier than normal. So early the roosters side-eye.

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    Replies
    1. Oh HELL to the yeah on the Daylight Savings Time! 2 YO refused to go to sleep until almost 9pm and we were actually THRILLED, until she was up at ass-crack 6am on Sunday morning!

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  8. Mac and cheese one cracks me up. That is my son. But take it a step further. "Do they have macaroni and cheese?" Yes. Throws a fit because it is not Kraft Mac and Cheese. Then won't eat Kraft Mac and Cheese when I make it at home because "It's not the same!"

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    Replies
    1. Gah! Us too. And why is the 25 cent whole box of Kraft mac n cheese EIGHT DOLLARS a cup at the restaurant?!? What? Oh, right it comes with fries and a drink. Gimme a break, the kid is a diabetic before we get the bill!

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  9. I loved this for many reasons...but a big reason was because it put me in mind of Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island team doing their hit "Semicolon." (Get to Youtube immediately if you don't know what I'm talking about.) I guess we grown-ups ARE weird. "Sorry Not Sorry." Ha.

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  10. I would love to add some, but I cannot as I have to lie down on the floor for a bit. In relief that it is Not. Just. My. Child.

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  11. I can SO relate to all of these! Here are some of mine:

    Must have milk. In a glass. With ice. Refuses to drink it because it's the wrong glass.

    Has a closet and a dresser full of clothes. Wears the same damn outfit every day.
    Must see the fireworks! Cries the entire time because they are loud.
    There are just so many more. . . .

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  12. Fight all day long - to the point that you separate them and 'forbid' them to speak to one another. Then ask if they can all 'sleepover' in one room.

    My toddler fav - wakes up grumpy - wants you to hold them but don't TOUCH them. Grabs one hand and puts it around them - you try to shift so you don't break a bone 30 minute tantrum ensues. And not the kind you can walk away from because said tantrum MUST happen while leaning against your knees.

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    Replies
    1. sorry, sweetie, this one isn't just a toddler thing. My 6 year old did this within the last week. The "hold me don't touch me" KILLS me!

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  13. Oh me!!! Yesterday was picture day at school - the kids know that on picture day, mom picks the outfit. My 5 year old cries, whines, rolls on the floor screaming that she hates the outfit. We agree she can pack a change of clothes and she gets dressed. We chat after the melt down. She wants to be a grown up and get her baby girl ready for picture day. Me: "what will she wear?" Girl " a pretty green dress" Me: "did you pick it for her?" Girl: "yes" Me: "will she wear it?" Girl: "yes, of course because I told her too" Ah. I guess at least in our world of pretend I can hear my own words come back at me??? And she told me at the end of the day that she loves her green dress so much she didn't want to take it off for bed. Oy!

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  14. Takes 60 gazillion minutes to eat dinner. Complains the entire time how their belly hurts and are too full to eat. 5 minutes later - wants cookies.

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    Replies
    1. A daily occurance in our house!!! In fact, I don't know if I'll actually 'belive' my 6-year old the next time he has a real belly ache!

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  15. Begs you for a year for a laptop, gets one for their birthday.
    Whines incessantly while you are using the desktop computer, because they want to use that one instead, even though said laptop has all of the same programs, has been upgraded to be almost better than the desktop, is fully charged and only 10 feet away.

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  16. Says he doesn't like me, yet freaks out if I try to leave a room he's in.

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  17. My three year old had a shake the walls tantrum yesterday because we had WHITE cheese sticks and not YELLOW. I want that problem.

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  18. In the midst of her tantrum, tells me that *I* didn't get enough sleep, because *I* am being grouchy with *her*. I asked who started this tantrum?! "Well you didn't have to yell OVER ME!!!" -gah!!

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  19. She will go on every roller coaster at Disney World but is absurdly terrified of the lame Star Wars ride. She will watch Scooby Doo shows with fanged bikers but she is suddenly terrified of Snow White. Tells (screams at) me she is not hungry, then begs for me to share half of my food. When I say no, yells that I don't love her anymore. I tell her to take a time out, she screams and cries no and stomps off to her room telling me she never wants to play with anyone ever again. Takes time out. I know this one has been mentioned but bears repeating - Completes all of his homework and then NEVER turns anything in. Find all completed homework in back pack after arriving for embarrassing meeting with four teachers. Then he acts like you all the crazy people for wondering what is wrong with him.

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  20. She will go on every roller coaster at Disney World but is absurdly terrified of the lame Star Wars ride. She will watch Scooby Doo shows with fanged bikers but she is suddenly terrified of Snow White. Tells (screams at) me she is not hungry, then begs for me to share half of my food. When I say no, yells that I don't love her anymore. I tell her to take a time out, she screams and cries no and stomps off to her room telling me she never wants to play with anyone ever again. Takes time out. I know this one has been mentioned but bears repeating - Completes all of his homework and then NEVER turns anything in. Find all completed homework in back pack after arriving for embarrassing meeting with four teachers. Then he acts like you all the crazy people for wondering what is wrong with him.

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  21. I'll share 2:

    Begs for real chopsticks instead of the training ones for kids. Angry tantrum when real chopsticks "don't work" and sushi breaks into pieces.

    Wants to watch Monsters Inc. every.single.day. Inconsolable sobbing every.single.time Sully says goodbye to Boo at the end. (But in all fairness I guess I do that too. Terms of Endearment, anyone?)

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  22. Will wear underwear for three days but wears a pair of pants for an hour and they need to be washed.

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  23. 15 month old begs for cracker, takes one bite, sets it on the floor, walks away, loses her schmidt when the dog eats it. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. My dog is getting fat.

    4 year old freaks out when she goes to use the toilet and it wasn't previously flushed, NEVER flushes after she uses it.

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  24. Favorite food one day and literally refuse to eat it claiming that it was never favorite food and seriously where did I get such an idea?

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  25. We do this one every year at Halloween - go on and on about how delicious pumpkin seeds are, their total favorite food ever. Once the seeds are cleaned, roasted, ready to eat - nothing. Not one seed do they eat. Every year. I think I'm the crazy one for continuing to fall for it.

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  26. Cries, whines, clings at drop off for before school care. Refuses to leave at pick up for after school care (same location, same staff, same everything).

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  27. Fights and whines, and cries about taking a shower. FINALLY takes a shower FOR 45 MINUTES. Comes out with hair STILL smelling like the bottom of the hamper.

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  28. 4yr old was terrified of everything at the Halloween store. She found a horribly ugly and scary clown/ghoul, went on and on about how cute it was and carried it around the store to protect her from all the bad things. I can provide pictures and video of her cuddling clowny if needed. He hangs above her bed at night. He is now a member of our family. SMH

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    Replies
    1. PLEASE post that picture ;)

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  29. Every day after school I ask, "how was your day?" Fine. Good. Normal. Nothing exciting. Nothing to talk about. Once they've brushed their teeth and are getting into bed however…its "did you know…" and "today the teacher…" and "my project is due tomorrow…" and "we're having a party could you make…" and "I need my pink shirt…" and about a hundred other things I need to address and take care of at night, during my time because they couldn't share prior to climbing into bed. Every night. They are so goofy (alternative to slightly annoying and never changing!)

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  30. Just this morning my toddler threw a tantrum because she fed me a piece of cereal, and after she cheerfully watched me chew and swallow, got mad that she couldn't have it back.

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    Replies
    1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmj_5xrxu0o

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  31. this morning...7 yo daughter carrying all of her doll, doll accessories and paraphernalia to car because she has no school and is going to daycare for the day. As I open the car door and climb in, she throws everything on the ground and screams that I am an idiot because I didn't unlock her door fast enough - and I did that on purpose! (oh yeah and her 8 year old sister is also carrying the world's supply of American Girl doll stuff and drops her load on the wrong side of the car (and then goes around and climbs into the 3rd row seat and screams at her sister to get out and get her stuff for her)! Which causes 7 year old to climb back out of the car screaming about why she has to pick up her sister's stuff and me laying my head on the steering wheel and looking forward to a day of work so I don't have to listen to the stuff.

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  32. Today: insists on playing on the playground after school because her friends are there. Won't play with her friends. THEN when the friends leave has tantrum and sulky fit that she has no one to play with and is bored. So I say, "Let's go then." Sulks and cries all the way home because she didn't want to leave.

    Insists X is their "favourite" food. Says this over and over. Refuses to eat "favourite" food at any time.
    For instance: #1 insists he loves carrots and eats SO many of them. Until #1 turned 4 he would throw up every SINGLE time he ate a carrot. Now eats a tiny nibble if forced. STILL says he loves carrots.... what? As a FRIEND? A treasure to be held and not eaten? I actually froth at the mouth a bit with this one.

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  33. Complains that his feet hurt.
    Refuses to wear new shoes and will only wear "bwown Tom's" that are a size too small.

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  34. Obsesses over Abby Cadabby for months. Birthday comes and she gets a talking huggable Abby doll. Says no, throws it on the floor and tells me she wants watch Minnie. She's never watched Minnie a day in her life!

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  35. Love this. Mine complains it is cold but refuses to wear anything but just underwear.

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  36. Doesn't want to go to daycare in the morning.
    Doesn't want to leave daycare in the afternoon.

    (Yeah I get it, transitions are tough for toddlers, but still crazy)

    Falls a million times a day, bruising knees and bonking his head, and insists he's fine.
    Makes me put bandaids on nonexistent injuries.

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  37. Insists she doesn't need to blow her nose when snot clearly visible/dripping. Then when finally agrees to blow nose - freaks out when (previously ignored) snot gets on her nose because it's "gross!!"

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  38. Not sure if this belongs here or with a post about the devilish cupcake.
    Says "I love Mommy!" about a hundred times while hugging and snuggling up.
    Then says "Mommy, I'm gonna hurtchoo."
    Creepy little girl. Creepy.
    Right up there with her comment, while I was driving. "Mommy, big black sphider. Big black sphider is coming to eat you."

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  39. Complains that I made him a wear jeans and a jacket to school because he insists "it's warm enough for shorts mom" while shivering the entire walk to the car.

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  40. My 19 month old screams because she can't get her purse off the handle of the doll stroller. Daddy takes it off for her and she immediately puts it back on. She then screams because she can't get the purse off the handle of the stroller. I try to show her how to take it off, but she won't remove her hand from the handle blocking the purse from being removed. Shoves me away and continues screaming because the purse cannot come off the handle.

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  41. Gleefully pets the sharks and rays in the touch tank, then 5 minutes later in the butterfly house is cowering and crying at the possibility of a butterfly landing on her finger.

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  42. Can watch Gladiator with Russell Crowe but has nightmares from Phineas and Ferb (thus only occurs when Mommy is not home). Refuses to take a bites, screams, hollers, complains that he hates it - having never tried it before - FINALLY, finally takes a bite ..... "This is good." Repeat for EVERY food known to mankind. No, don't read that book! Just one more chapter, pleeaassse.

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  43. Okay, I didn't see this one so sure it's only me that is NOT ALLOWED TO TALK in the carpool with classmates. They, however, are free to discuss farting, kissing girls, grandma's stinky breath and the teacher's big butt. Sooo buying a limousine with one of those windows between me and my passengers next time.

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  44. Thinks the Doctor Who toy pig I made for a friend's birthday is the best thing ever!! Gives it lots of kisses and hugs and walks it along with lots of "Pig! Pig! Oink! Oink!!" Chucks a massive tantrum when I take it off her. So I make my gorgeous miss 2 her very own pig...and she could not be less interested in it.

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  45. Looses one of each of her pairs of mittens. Yup. One.
    Asks me to get her a new pair of mittens while she's at school.
    Sorry, Mommy has to work today (it takes me 2.5 hrs on public transit to get there and we get home an hour before bed... NOPE)
    Ok, Mommy, maybe tomorrow?
    Two minutes later... Can you get me X while I'm at school today?
    Were you listening?
    Repeat twenty times in an hour.

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