Kids are So Weird and Absurd and They Don't Even Know It

Lately, I've been noticing that a large part of parenting is dealing with my kids just being… ABSURD. And there is a certain degree of futility in dealing with people who are behaving this way but have absolutely no knowledge that they are making no damn sense.

I asked Guru Louise about this, who in addition to being my very dear friend and a mother of three, is also a fully academically and professionally credentialed child development expert. She was like OH HELLS YES I UNDERSTAND. She also said this was normal. 

I shared with her some examples of what I was talking about. Here are some examples starting with baby-age children and going through teenagers. All Some of these examples are our own kids and beloved family members (we won't say which). 
Here's how it works. First, one of our kids or beloved family members does a totally normal (but slightly tedious) thing that most kids their age do. The next thing they do takes it all straight to crazy town and we end up looking like this:

Throws pacifier on the floor. Always.
Loses schmidt when she realizes she no longer has the pacifier. Blames you.

Total meltdown tantrum about taking a bath. 

Won't get out of the tub. 

Complains about being tired.

Refuses to take a nap.

Beg and begs for chocolate milk.

Sobs on the floor and refuses to drink any because she didn't get to stir it.  

Calls ketchup and yogurt "too slimey".

Recently ate his own boogers.

Is starving, STARVING (!!) the entire time it takes to cook dinner and is incessantly begging for goldfish and fruit snacks. You put delicious dinner on the table.

Eats 3 bites then asks to watch TV.

Tearfully claims you never get her what she asks for her birthday.

Requests an African zebra.

Gets to pick dinner anywhere he wants! Struggles with choice. Debates it. Tortures siblings with his supreme restaurant choosing power. Picks somewhere expensive/ridiculous/45 minutes away. 
Only going to order Mac n cheese anyway.

Must have the special shoes! It must be THESE special shoes! Please buy them for me!

Wears them once then inexplicably loses one (one!) within the confines of our home.

Begs to be signed up for sports team that is both expensive and extremely time consuming.

Is huge, whiny, sad sack about going to every single practice and game. 

  

Refuses to pick up after the dog because it's so gross.

Never flushes after a deuce.

Sniffs at jacket from Target, asks for North Face instead because of quality.
Passes on the delicious roast chicken you cooked and gets Taco Bell with friends.

Struggles and whines and suffers through hours and hours of homework to finish a project for school.
Forgets to turn it in.

Screams that you are treating them like a baby.

Says this while having a tantrum.

Do you have examples you'd like to share? We'd love to read them. If we get enough, we'll do a round up of the funniest ones.

And just so you know, as I was typing this, my ten year old was reading it over my shoulder. She let out a looong sigh and was like "OK, fine. This all true and stuff, but parents are just as bad." And then she gave me some examples and I was like "OH DEAR GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT." So tomorrow, we will do another post about how I am just as guilty of being tedious and absurd as all the kid weirdisms outlined here.

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