Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Moms (at least me) are Just as Bad as Kids.

So yesterday I wrote a post about how kids are totally weird and absurd and they make no sense. Then my 10 year old read the post and was like: "Yeah that's true BUT YOU'RE WEIRD, TOO."

And she told me how. And she's totally right. So I wrote up a bunch of things moms do that are just as annoying as the weird things that kids do.

I'm really hoping that it's not just me. That I'm not the only one who finds herself saying something to her children and then cringing when I realize the implications of what I just said when applied to my own behavior.

You know what I'm talking about, right? When you're telling your kid off for being too focused on his DS and your phone goes PING! and you have to subdue the overwhelming urge to pause your child in order to check your phone? THAT. That horrifying Moment of Clarity.


Maybe you're thinking right now - please shut up, Lydia. 

sad
But don't be sad! Because by making fun of this stuff (and myself), I'm actually processing many of the deeply ingrained hypocritical functions of modern parenthood. And without self-awareness, I cannot defeat these nefarious forces. AND I MUST. Because it is my solemn duty to raise my three children by Wheaton's Law and I cannot do that if I'm not fighting this crap with all my resources. 

Here's how it works:
Normal thing that any mom says.
Thing mom also does that sends it directly into crazy town.

Now let's look at some examples of what I'm talking about:

Tells kids to stop yelling at each other all the time.
Says this while screaming.

"Why do you constantly just FRITTER away your time?!"
Checks Facebook ten times per day.

Claims children are incapable of listening when the TV is on.
Ignores everything they say while playing Candy Crush.

Tells kids it's a REAL PROBLEM when they don't pick up their clothes.
Routinely leaves clean, unfolded laundry in large piles all over the house. 

Gets mad when a kid "accidentally" eats a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers for a snack.
Accidentally drinks three glasses of wine after their bedtime.

"Are you making healthy choices?"
Forgets to go the gym for three years.

Stresses the importance of always being nice to everyone, showing respect and good manners.
Flips off BMW who cuts her off.

Totally loses schmidt when children fight bedtime and beg to stay awake just a little while longer.
Stays up 'til midnight watching "House Hunters International".

"How can you wear those clothes? You look like a hobo."

Still has maternity underpants in rotation.

Tells kids to be super careful about everything they post on social media.

Writes a mom blog.

Constantly nagging children to keep their rooms clean.
Mini-van can be smelled from 10 paces away.

"Turn Sponge Bob off. It will rot your brain and you know it."
Watches Real Housewives when no one is looking.

Stresses importance of healthy self-esteem and self-worth.

Talks incessantly about how fat she is. 

"You need to put family first, kids."
Hasn't called her own mother in 5 weeks.

Always tells kids to hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
Has been late to everything since 2007

Gives lectures about procrastination.
The same dishes have been sitting in the sink since Saturday.

If you have any great mommy absurdities to share with us, we'd love to read 'em. If we get enough, we'll do a round up of the funniest ones.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

31 comments:

  1. I love you. This is every mother's life. Love it!

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  2. Do as I say not as I do, being an adult has perks.

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  3. Tells older child "please be quiet while I put your brother down for a nap" trips on the noisy toys she left on the floor while sneaking out of the room and wakes up the baby

    Argues with four year old about how it is not croc weather anymore, wears flipflops herself

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  4. BAHAHAHA!!! The one about flipping off the BMW in traffic screams me! It's gotten to the point where I'll yell something sarcastic to other drivers and my 15 month old will stay laughing and singing in response. This can't be good...

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    Replies
    1. We had an incident where my husband was grousing about a driver not understanding how traffic circles work and then loudly from the backseat came "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!" Yep, she's 2.

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    2. Oh, yes. When the toddler comes home and tells Daddy that 'some bastard cut us off' . Fun. So proud of myself. But time does heal... she doesn't remember that...

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  5. "You need to eat your vegetables, they're good for you".
    Meticulously picks lima beans out of mixed veggies and places them like sentries around the outside of my plate.
    I call it learned behavior from my mother, who had a knack of avoiding broccoli in anything.

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  6. I tell the kids to stop waiting until Sunday to start homework but I wait until the last minute to do EVERYTHING!

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  7. GAH - I do every one of these things! One from me - tells child she cannot have desert until she eats her "healthy food" at dinner. Then goes into the kitchen and eats three cookies while making dinner.

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  8. Tells child: You can only have one piece of halloween candy per day.
    Stuffs Sweetarts in her mouth like a squirrel gathering nuts for winter.

    Tells Child: Get off the computer. Go outside. It's beautiful!
    Bitches and moans every time I have to take the dog out.

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    Replies
    1. To be fair, taking the dog out means scooping up after him/her, too. It is not beautiful out when curbing your dog, it's a chore.

      Delete
  9. I'm not sure what the problem is..... we don't want our children to be just like us, we want them to be better and follow in the age old tradition of "No way am I doing that to my kid....". It's how we'll get our kicks in our old age : ) That being said, "The candy fairy has to take away most of your Halloween (Christmas, Valentines, Easter, etc) candy because she loves you and wants you to be healthy" Mom & Dad scarf the "offerings" and have to take a "castor oil day" to recover. (learned that from MY dad btw!)

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  10. Oh geeeeeze. It's all me.

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  11. Insists on child eating veggies with all meals (and makes a point to cook them in addition to the "regular" meal) but includes none of said veggies on my own plate.

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  12. oh this is why i read this blog, so that i know my kids are going to survive and aren't the only one's growing up in a mess of crazy! feel so much better every time i do.

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  13. Routinely lectures about the importance of putting backpack and shoes IN ONE PLACE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.
    Can never ever ever EVER find car keys. EVER. Becomes such a serious problem there are 4 back-up sets. Loses all of those too.

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  14. ~Tells children to make sure their bedrooms are clean.

    ~Own bedroom looks like a freakin bomb went off in it. WHY CAN'T I FIND MY FRIGGIN JEANS!

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  15. Insists my son wear sneakers for walks etc.. And I always wear flip flops!

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  16. Tells children that the candy in the dish is for decoration and not to touch it. Every time I walk by the candy dish, I grab a piece (or 4), until my six year old catches me in the act and accusingly says, "But you SAID it was for DECORATION!" I quickly chew and swallow my contraband candy and mutter something unintelligible.

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  17. Yes, but you watch Real Housewives to forget the crap you have to deal with all day. What kind of crap are they forgetting by watching Sponge Bob? Not the same thing.

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  18. I am laughing so hard I hurt. It is not just me! This post is my Thankful quota for all the November!

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  19. You are SO not alone. It was as if you were writing my mom fails biography!

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  20. YES YES YES! This is totally me and I had that exact AHA! moment not too long ago...let me go find it on Facebook so I can relay it accurately....okay there went an unproductive hour.

    ~Tells children to keep up with their own things -- "I am not responsible for your crap!"
    ~On the way out the door five minutes later -- "Where are my sunglasses?"

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  21. And here you go. Entered my kid in a costume contest. Tells him if he doesn't win it's ok. Mommy posts every hour to make sure her kid wins. Oh, by the way I could post the URL but I will save you from my insanity.

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  22. Tell child we are having a break from electronics, get caught checking email.

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  23. Makes children put on coat, gloves and hat to go out to the car to run errands with their mother, who is wearing a t-shirt and yoga pants.

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  24. "You NEED to wear underwear every day! WHY do I need to keep saying this??" says the mom whose personal daily goal is to never have to put her bra on.

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  25. ~Makes child get off the computer and go outside to enjoy the beautiful day and healthy body God blessed you with...as Mommy sips a bloody mary and watches football in her flannel sock monkey pajamas.
    ~Child innocently asks Mommy: "What's a douchebag?" while driving to private Christian school.
    ~"Eat some fruit! You smell like Love Canal!"
    ~"Organization is the key to success in middle school. What day is it?"

    KathyT

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  26. Telling my kids that they never put their shoes where they belong, while I can see at least 2 pairs of my shoes on the floor, next to theirs.

    Tell them that they need to eat healthy food as I'm cooking them Ramon noodles because I'm too lazy to cook anything else.

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  27. -No snacks until 3pm. (For the child who eats ALL THE TIME!)
    -Sneaks into the kitchen for a snack around 1:30

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  28. Telling my kiddos to "be kind" with my outside voice, clenched teeth & crazy eyes.

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