Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Moms (at least me) are Just as Bad as Kids.

So yesterday I wrote a post about how kids are totally weird and absurd and they make no sense. Then my 10 year old read the post and was like: "Yeah that's true BUT YOU'RE WEIRD, TOO."

And she told me how. And she's totally right. So I wrote up a bunch of things moms do that are just as annoying as the weird things that kids do.

I'm really hoping that it's not just me. That I'm not the only one who finds herself saying something to her children and then cringing when I realize the implications of what I just said when applied to my own behavior.

You know what I'm talking about, right? When you're telling your kid off for being too focused on his DS and your phone goes PING! and you have to subdue the overwhelming urge to pause your child in order to check your phone? THAT. That horrifying Moment of Clarity.


Maybe you're thinking right now - please shut up, Lydia. 

sad
But don't be sad! Because by making fun of this stuff (and myself), I'm actually processing many of the deeply ingrained hypocritical functions of modern parenthood. And without self-awareness, I cannot defeat these nefarious forces. AND I MUST. Because it is my solemn duty to raise my three children by Wheaton's Law and I cannot do that if I'm not fighting this crap with all my resources. 

Here's how it works:
Normal thing that any mom says.
Thing mom also does that sends it directly into crazy town.

Now let's look at some examples of what I'm talking about:

Tells kids to stop yelling at each other all the time.
Says this while screaming.

"Why do you constantly just FRITTER away your time?!"
Checks Facebook ten times per day.

Claims children are incapable of listening when the TV is on.
Ignores everything they say while playing Candy Crush.

Tells kids it's a REAL PROBLEM when they don't pick up their clothes.
Routinely leaves clean, unfolded laundry in large piles all over the house. 

Gets mad when a kid "accidentally" eats a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers for a snack.
Accidentally drinks three glasses of wine after their bedtime.

"Are you making healthy choices?"
Forgets to go the gym for three years.

Stresses the importance of always being nice to everyone, showing respect and good manners.
Flips off BMW who cuts her off.

Totally loses schmidt when children fight bedtime and beg to stay awake just a little while longer.
Stays up 'til midnight watching "House Hunters International".

"How can you wear those clothes? You look like a hobo."

Still has maternity underpants in rotation.

Tells kids to be super careful about everything they post on social media.

Writes a mom blog.

Constantly nagging children to keep their rooms clean.
Mini-van can be smelled from 10 paces away.

"Turn Sponge Bob off. It will rot your brain and you know it."
Watches Real Housewives when no one is looking.

Stresses importance of healthy self-esteem and self-worth.

Talks incessantly about how fat she is. 

"You need to put family first, kids."
Hasn't called her own mother in 5 weeks.

Always tells kids to hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
Has been late to everything since 2007

Gives lectures about procrastination.
The same dishes have been sitting in the sink since Saturday.

If you have any great mommy absurdities to share with us, we'd love to read 'em. If we get enough, we'll do a round up of the funniest ones.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

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