Sunday, December 22, 2013

For Auld Lang Syne

This time of year is my favorite and is usually very happy for me. But there are always those moments. Those "Auld Lang Syne" moments that I never seem to be prepared for. Some sadness switch gets flipped in my brain and I go from fa la la LAAAA! to heave crying. The holidays remind me of those who are no longer with me and it makes me miss them more. And every year, it seems there's someone else to cry for at Christmas.

It’s just me? Never mind. Pay no attention to that lady in the white minivan, crying at the stoplight. She’ll be fine as soon as she changes the radio station. 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Life is Not Like an Episode of Family Ties

Hieeee! Guru here. I decided to write and say hi because, in case you missed it, Lydia has been super duper sick for the past two weeks. Kate finally kicked her in the taco and made her go the doctor and, sure enough, she has bronchitis and an ear infection. Her husband has had an insane work schedule and it snowed a lot where she lives (in VA anything above an inch is A LOT), and she hasn't done her Christmas shopping so she has just had a shitty few weeks. If I lived near her this is the part where I would make her some noodle soup and tea and pat her. But since I live 400 miles away I thought I'd instead make her go to bed early tonight and entertain you with some stories from my holiday season.

Monday, December 16, 2013

The Best Rap Ever about Christmas Lists and John Cena

You guys remember how excited I was about Froggy Fresh last summer? His "Dunked On" video killed me. My kids and I still crack up and cackle laugh every time we watch it. I thought I would share this Christmas classic with you, because it's incredible and because it's been stuck in my head like an ear-worm for the past three days.


(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Quick update from Lydia!

She is my spirit animal.
Hello! Just a quick note to explain why I've been MIA for the past week and probably will be for the next week:

1) Holiday Death Spiral
2) Crazy amount of kid-related activities and projects
3) Husband travel schedule
4) The entire family has been sick
5) I've been sick for a week and I'm still not better
6) Ice storm
7) Snow storm
8) Finals & end of the semester
9) Desire to do things like snuggle my kids and bake cookies with them instead of blog
10) I haven't started half the stuff on my to do list because I've been sick and that list is now truly HORRIFYING.

I will dig out from under my crap mountain and see you guys next week, ok?

xoxo, Lydia

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Monday, December 2, 2013

How to Pay Off a Stranger's Lay-Away

The title of this post should actually be: "How to Pay off a Stranger's Lay Away?" because I have no idea how to do it. Since we're not doing the gift card exchange this year, I'm taking some money I've earned doing sponsored posts and using it help families. We're going to put together some stuff for the women at the domestic violence shelter and rock the angel tree at preschool and a whole bunch of other things. 

This time of year, I've always enjoyed hearing about people who go to places like Walmart and Toys R Us and pay off the lay-aways of total strangers. I mentioned it Kate and Guru, who enthusiastically agreed that we should give it a try. While wearing elf hats. So I mentioned my plan in a blog post and got an email from someone who said "Ummm… Paying off a lay-away sounds good, but how do you actually do it? Do you just walk up to the cashier and say 'Can I please pay off a random lay away?'"

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Thanksgiving Wegmans Hunger Games

Not today, Wegmans. Because today you are Thunderdome.
A lady named Paula Raymond-Trafton (who lives in my town but I've haven't met her yet) wrote this post after going to Wegmans yesterday to do her Thanksgiving grocery shopping. I went today. It was INSANITY. But then the cashier carded me and that made it all OK. 

So if you've had to deal with the ridiculousness that is grocery shopping pre-Thanksgiving, you will enjoy this:

Finding Holiday Zen… BWAAA HAAA HAAA!!!!

A couple of weeks ago, I did a sponsored post for The Century Council about helping teens to drive safely. When they contacted me again last week about doing another sponsored post, this time about moms managing holiday stress for their Talk Early program, I was like "HELLS YEAH. That's more money to give away this Christmas since we can't do the gift card exchange! WOO HOO!" 

And they were all, "Could you be a little less happy about our taking our money?" And I said: "No. It's part of how I reduce my holiday stress. So you're welcome for getting into the spirit of this post."*

*This conversation took place entirely inside my imagination.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Thanksgiving by Perspective

Very, Very Early Morning:
Moms: Grumble grumble... Time to put the turkey in the oven. Wait. How can this freaking bird still be frozen? 
Dads: Zzzzzzzz...
Kids: Yay! It’s Thanksgiving! Let’s be awake now! Because yay! It’s Thanksgiving! (same child who must be dragged out of bed to go to school)

Mid Morning:
Moms: I’m already so tired. How can there still be so much to do? How can we be out of sage?! I buy sage every year for this exact thing and I never use it all. There should be 15 sages here.
Kids: The parade is so awesome! Can I have another breakfast?

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

NEW ORLEANS with your kids?! Oh even yesser.

See Coleen Kelly traveling happily with small people?
With no screaming and everyone smiling? Sigh...
Do you travel with your kids? When I say that I "travel with my kids", I'm actually talking about driving to NJ to go see my mom. I mean, we went to Disney World but that place is for kids. I'm talking about traveling to places that are not Disney or my mom's house. Places where kids can experience culture and actually become more aware of the world around them. 

I'm going to be honest - we don't do much of that. In part because it's hard. In part because it's expensive. Also? I have no idea what I'm doing and I usually get overwhelmed and act like a huge B. But there's a show on PBS called Family Travel with Colleen Kelly that helps clueless parents (like me) feel like traveling with kids might actually be fun instead of a giant cluster or a potentially international incident. 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

RIP BWT: Eulogy for A Crappy Van

Sometimes something happens that seems like its not a big deal, but then it is. You find yourself crying in a high school parking lot behind the auto tech classroom wondering what the hell is going on.

You see, a couple of weeks ago the Big White Ford Tampon started acting weird. It got all jumpy. Then it got shaky - really shaky. It got to the point where the kids got scared when we drove out of the neighborhood. I had the Cap'n drive it and he was decisive: "The transmission is going out. We only have a few more weeks."

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Your Kids Are Weird, Too!?!

I have to kick this post off by saying that you all are funny. Seriously. After we publish a post we often text back and forth with our favorite reader comments. Yes, yes we do. I'll be at Target and a text from Lydia will come through with the funniest comment from the blog and suddenly I'm that mom with bags under eyes and three crying children, laughing like madwoman in the toilet paper aisle.

Like remember last week when we wrote about how flipping ridiculous our kids can be? It tuns out we're not alone. My phone blew up last week with Lydia texting me all her favorite comments from you guys. Theses were our favorites:

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Let's Commemorate Bored & Angry!

I asked my daughter Mini (age 4) to draw me a picture. I asked her to close her eyes and think about what it felt like to be part of our family. She closed her eyes and sweetly sighed. I asked her how she felt. She said: "Sometimes I feel bored but mostly… angry." Then she shrugged.

I was not expecting that so I said: "Just a draw the picture, kid."

And she did. She drew a picture of what it feels like to be part of our family and this is what it looked like:

Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Domestic Enemies of the Diabetes Mom

Diabetes is a big freaking deal and this month is Diabetes Awareness Month. While I'm only marginally informed on the medical in's and out's  - this guest momma knows all about it. Getting a scary diagnosis might seem like a really horrible thing. That is until your child is the one who gets the diagnosis. 

Read on...

On November 7, 2003, my then 3 year old L’il Miss was diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes.  Shortly after our 5 day stay in the local Children’s Hospital, we discovered an abundance of domestic enemies. In honor of her 10 year D-versary & Diabetes Awareness Month I must rant…..

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Moms (at least me) are Just as Bad as Kids.

So yesterday I wrote a post about how kids are totally weird and absurd and they make no sense. Then my 10 year old read the post and was like: "Yeah that's true BUT YOU'RE WEIRD, TOO."

And she told me how. And she's totally right. So I wrote up a bunch of things moms do that are just as annoying as the weird things that kids do.

I'm really hoping that it's not just me. That I'm not the only one who finds herself saying something to her children and then cringing when I realize the implications of what I just said when applied to my own behavior.

You know what I'm talking about, right? When you're telling your kid off for being too focused on his DS and your phone goes PING! and you have to subdue the overwhelming urge to pause your child in order to check your phone? THAT. That horrifying Moment of Clarity.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Kids are So Weird and Absurd and They Don't Even Know It

Lately, I've been noticing that a large part of parenting is dealing with my kids just being… ABSURD. And there is a certain degree of futility in dealing with people who are behaving this way but have absolutely no knowledge that they are making no damn sense.

I asked Guru Louise about this, who in addition to being my very dear friend and a mother of three, is also a fully academically and professionally credentialed child development expert. She was like OH HELLS YES I UNDERSTAND. She also said this was normal. 

I shared with her some examples of what I was talking about. Here are some examples starting with baby-age children and going through teenagers. All Some of these examples are our own kids and beloved family members (we won't say which). 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I just figured this out about Halloween.

So I just had this major epiphany about Halloween. First, you should know that it's my 2nd favorite holiday (behind Christmas). And my kids? They are in love with Halloween. If you were to look at them and say "If you love it so much why don't you marry it?" they would be all "OK. I will totally marry Halloween. DONE."

But lately, I've come to realize that in spite of my love for it, Halloween is sort of against me. Because if you ask my kids what they love most about it, it's all the things that I - as a parent - dislike about the holiday.

Here is what I'm talking about - in handy little graphic form:

See? I'm right. But I still love Halloween.

xo, Lydia

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Friday, October 25, 2013

Guru Says Thanks and a Round-Up!

Doesn't it look like I'm about to hit her with her baby soap? Yeeeaaahhhh.
Heeeeeeeey there pretty ladies. I just wanted kick this post off by thanking you all for your support and internet-high-fives you sent me after my Good Morning America hoopla. It was two weeks ago and my family is still recovering. Imagine if you found out right now that national TV would be filming in your house in 24 hours...then imagine the amount of crazy you would muster to make a house under renovation look halfway decent. You guys, I went completely bat schmidt insane. I tossed things in bags and boxes and just started stuffing things in closets, Cheaper By the Dozen-style. I still don't know where my sneakers are. Whatever.

The point is, internet-ass-slaps all around for being so awesome while my life got turned upside down!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I Know How to NOT Pay Attention Really Well

The very first I need to tell you is that this is a sponsored post. The very next thing I need to tell you is that I would have done this for free because it's a great campaign to help save teenagers' lives but please DON'T TELL THE SPONSOR THAT. Besides I already have plans for that money and also nobody likes a damn tattle tale. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Predictor: Just How Crazy Will Mommy Be?

A couple of years ago, I discovered the Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral. Then there was a crude attempt to apply it to a calendar (that no one could read). Now there's this. This is a predictive tool to help friends, children, partners and husbands figure out just how crazy the mommy in their life will be during this harrowing time.

I shouldn't say all mommies. Some mommies have their schmidt together and spend the month of December joyfully baking nut and gluten-free cookies while singing carols and stroking their children's hair.

To those women, I salute you. I commend you. And I urge you to click away now because this predictor will probably only annoy you. For everyone else, read and enjoy.

(To enlarge the image, click on it)

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral

I originally wrote this post in 2010. Apparently my life has not really changed at all in the past 3 years. My kids are bigger and more self-sufficient so I was under the false impression that, I would re-read this post and be all - I was so adorable and flustered with my tiny little kids.


That's right, Ricky Gervais. It's funny. It's hilarious. Go on and laugh. At me. At my expense. Because I just figured out that it doesn't matter how old my kids are or what stage of the parenting cycle in which I find myself. I will remain a jackass who is forever frenetically flapping about.

Welcome to the Death Spiral, my sisters. It is upon us.


Friday, October 18, 2013

Total Eclipse of the YES OMG YES!

I have nothing to add to this except to say that the College Humor people who did this video should receive the Nobel Prize for Complete Awesomeness.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Domestic Enemies of the Mom with Kids From Multiple Dads

Here's a perspective from a mom who is ripe for judgement - the mom who has kids with different dads. Here's what she has to say.


I have two beautiful boys. They have two different Dads. And it should go without saying, but that doesn’t make me a horrible person. 

First of all, no - this is not what I wanted or planned for my life. I don’t remember ever sitting in my basement bedroom as a 14 year old girl thinking, “I sure hope I have more than one kid with more than one man and marry neither of them. That would be so amazeballs.” Second, I don’t think I am much different than most of the girls in my age group (at least from my graduating class). We all had boyfriends. Most of us had sex. Do I wish I’d made better choices in my life? YES. Would I undo anything in my life? NO. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Inches and Seconds and Luck

Last week, something really scary happened to me -- or nearly happened.  A tiny child came within a whisker’s breadth of losing his life. He is fine - no harm to anyone. Except perhaps the shattered nerves of the two mothers who saw it happen.

I was picking up my youngest from pre-school. I started the car and did my usual check. Are you buckled, small person? Affirmative. Then I checked my mirrors and looked over my shoulder before I put the car in reverse and started to back out. 

Monday, October 14, 2013

About Christmas and the Gift Card Exchange


I should have written this weeks ago, but the truth is - I've been procrastinating because I don't like making this official. Here it is: We are not doing a gift card exchange this year. For the past two years, Kate, Guru and I have loved and labored over over the holiday gift card exchange.

Last year did not go well. From the technology end, everything fell apart, making our job ten times harder. People very kindly offered to help us with amazing ideas and offers of their time. To every single person who offered to help us,  I can't say this enough:
THANK YOU. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Lydia Interviews the Incredible Hulk for The Mommy Show

You guys all know Ilana, right? She's Mommy Shorts and she just started a new show! It's a web series where she runs a talk show out of her apartment and interviews celebrities while she's taking care of her two kids. They are quick 4 minute videos that so far have included things like timing Taye Diggs as he tries to open the baby proofing on her toilet and challenging Rachel Dratch to collapse her double stroller. 

So in an effort to support her in this awesome new venture, I decided to pretend that I was hosting an episode of her show. She told me I should pick a celebrity and imagine what it would be like to have them sit in my living room with me. So of everyone in the whole world, I picked the Incredible Hulk. Please bear with me, because the Hulk truly is incredible and you're about to KNOW THAT. 

Guru was on Good Morning America!!!

Here it is! Her GMA debut and for the first time ever, you get to see what a Mommyland blogger's actual kids look like! And her house! OMG!!!

  Breaking News

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Dinner with Judy

Last Saturday, was crazy. There was a ton of kid stuff scheduled throughout the day, starting at 8:30 am and going until the evening.  Why are weekends so nuts now?

It was 7:00pm by the time my whole family was finally in one place. Everyone was exhausted and starving and we just did not have the energy to pull dinner together. The Cap'n gallantly offered to take us all out to dinner.

It was so nice of him but we really should have just ordered pizza or eaten PB&J's. Because we forgot Rule of Parenting #312: When children are exhausted and starving, the last place they should ever be is a restaurant.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Don't Ask Your Kids: What did you do when daddy was away?

The Cap'n just got home from a business trip where he had been out of the country for a while. At breakfast this morning, he looked at the faces of his smiling children and was like: "So… kids, what did you do when I was away?"

OF COURSE, those little heifers told him every single thing I let them do to: 

(a) turn "sad kitten daddy is gone faces" into "happy kitten mommy is in charge" faces, 
(b) make my life slightly easier because he was gone and I was sick, and 
(c) try to manage on my own with 3 kids, 2 jobs and 1 house partially under construction.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Domestic Enemies of the Older Mom

Totally kidding. In real, life she's hawt.
This one is for all my Advanced Maternal Age homies... Meet Katy:

Katy is the 40-year old mom of a nearly-three year old. Between yelling at teenagers to get off her lawn and turning down that damn music on the radio, she works full-time and attempts to read grown-up books. Mostly, she cleans up old food on the floor and dresses up as Cinderella's godmother. Every once awhile, she thinks fondly of the sleep she got in her 20's, but not-so-secretly, she thinks she hit the parenting jackpot with a great kid.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Wheaton's Law: Don't Be A Dick

In yesterday's post I discussed Wheaton's Law and applied it to why I shouldn't let myself go down the Bad Mommy Shame Spiral. The more I thought about it though, the more I was like - I need Wheaton's Law to play a larger role in my everyday life. 

As you know, I really enjoy making annoying and ugly little signs and hanging them all over my house to remind me of things I think are important. Other people buy them and they look nice. But not me. Noooooo. Because I believe in crafts.

First there was this one:

Because that's what she said. And also, you know I love Glennon.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Bad Mommy Shame Spiral

I'm feeling bad right now. I lost it last week and yelled at my kids. Not just a little bit, either. Like full out, Disney-villian style yelling. I holler to make myself heard over all the noise in my house, but I don't scream like that very often. So right now I'm at the tail-end of what I call The Bad Mommy Shame Spiral.

Perhaps you're thinking: "What the hell are you talking about?" Basically what happens is the kids do something crazy; I react by being more crazy and screaming my head off; then they freak out because I freaked out, and we all end up crying. Then I spend a week beating myself up because I'm the worst parent ever. 

Friday, September 27, 2013


Guess what happened? I made a whole new website because you told me to. It's called Artfails. I took all of the amazing, inappropriate and hysterical kid art that you guys had sent me over the years and put it all in one place. Now that's it mostly done, I have to admit that I love it so, so, so much. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Domestic Enemies of the Active Duty Mom

You know we love military families here in Mommyland, right? Well when I got this rant, I couldn't wait to publish it. Because last year I got to work with some amazing soldiers through an organization called Final Salute. Those women rock my socks. They have fought, bled and risked everything in the course of their service. Now they dedicate their lives to helping female veterans.

So often when we talk about military families, we have a picture in our heads of the brave daddy in uniform and bad ass mommy, taking care of business at home. I LOVE THOSE FAMILIES. But missing but from our conversations about them are all of the women who put themselves in harm's way to serve our country and protect our freedom. 

It's serious business being a woman in the military, we all know that. I admire these women so much and thank them (and their families) for their service. Here are the Domestic Enemies of the Active Duty Mom...

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I'm losing it. It's lost.

I have a lot going on right now and I'm trying to do too much and I'm losing it. So I made you this chart that describes why I suck at everything and can get nothing done. I wanted to write a whole post about it but I'm too stressed out and I have papers to grade and now my kids are fighting so I have to go.

Also - That purple box? The one down at the end all by itself? Yes. Pretty sure you all already know why it's at the bottom.

OHMYGOD. When was the last time I fed the dog? Wait. Where is the dog?!

I have to go. Sorry. Bye.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Mommyland in 1993 - A Retrospective

This is what TV moms looked like 1993.
It's a little hard for me to believe, but 1993 was 20 years ago. Let's just pause for a quick WTF moment. For you young people, I've provided some links so you can learn about our history and culture. These are the songs that were popular in 1993. These are the movies. These are the top TV shows. By the way, Friends wasn't on yet. It didn't start until 1994. 

On the one hand, it seems like yesterday to me. On the other hand, I'm struck by how totally different our lives were then. It was both simpler and more complicated because you had to deal with people. You had to make plans and keep them. The way we communicate with each other has totally changed. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Why I Will Never Trust the Bus Stop

Guru here. By now you guys all know that I had a baby this summer. But did you also know I bought a new house? And moved into it the same week that school started? And that my two big kids both started new schools this fall? Yeah, I really like to cram as much change into one summer as possible for my kids . It's called building resilience, people. Go big or go home!

Anyway, this year my daughter gets to start riding the bus, which is a really big deal for our whole family. You see, my husband and I never took a bus to school. I walked my ass to the public school in my tiny town and he got dropped off at school by his parents. So no big, yellow school bus memories for either of us. And after two years of rotting in the kiss and ride line at preschool I was PUMPED for the bus. Free daily transportation for my kid that doesn't involve me fighting to strap in three kids and wondering if I have enough gas to wheeze my way through the school parking lot? Hells yeah, sign me up!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I am NAILING IT. Wait... Doing well. I'm doing really well.

So I've been dieting for a while now and the deal is that while I'm feeling pretty awesome, (imagine me waggling my fanny at you right now) I'm not even losing that much weight. I thought I'd give you a quick update  - not that you care, and that's cool - because it keeps me honest and it lets you know I haven't quit. So here's where I'm at:

I've finished a couple of weeks of the Couch to 5K program and you guys, it's not even that hard. And I'm totally out of shape. Or I was. Because last week I ran for ten minutes in a row like a total boss. I was red-faced and sweaty and may have looked like I was stroking out a little bit on the treadmill.  And when I got to the 10 minute mark, I threw up my hands Rocky-style and then I almost fell down but I didn't fall down because I am a champion. While I get that running for 10 minutes is a really small thing, it's also a really big thing. And seriously, if I can do it than literally anyone can. It made me feel like this:

Nailed It

Friday, September 13, 2013

What Happens to Lydia if You Have an Argument With Her

I hate arguing with people. I mean, I barely ever argue with anyone, I'm a grown up. I bicker with my kids and husband but that doesn't really count. On the rare occasion when I have a disagreement with another adult, I'm a total wreck. 

My nerves frizzle and I get all jumpy and snappish, like a machete-wielding sex offender in a hockey mask is about to jump out from behind a tree at any moment. I'm distracted and upset and walking this weird line between trying to hide how I feel and wanting to let it all out.

Mostly everyone in my life right now (thank you, God) is understanding and patient. And these people are all there on purpose. They know if I do something hurtful that it's not on purpose. They feel comfortable calling me out if I'm being somewhat turdish and forgive me when I behave badly. But of course, we have misunderstandings and hurt feelings sometimes. And that leads to conflict and badness and stomach aches and everything horrible.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Domestic Enemies of the Teacher Mom

I love, love, love teachers and all they do for my kids. So I was super excited when Annie sent me this post. What's it like to be a teacher *and* a mom? Let her tell you all about it:


I think of myself as Annie, but only about six people in my life call me that.  The rest call me “Mrs. G” or “Mamamamamamamamamama!  Help!”  I spend my days raising one two-year-old and approximately 80 12-year-olds, and I spend my nights fighting crime grading papers drinking really crappy pink wine.  

Monday, September 9, 2013

10 Reasons I Both Love & Loathe Back to School (SPONSORED POST)

Thanks to Del Monte for sponsoring this post. Click here to see more of the discussion.

Photo credit: Anankkml
While I’ve loved being home with my kids this summer, I have to be honest and tell you that I was really ready for school to start. We need a regular schedule. We need structured learning. We need to stop the cycle of staying up a little too late, watching a little too much TV, and having a little too much fun. 

The last few weeks of summer make me want to cram ALL OF THE THINGS into every day.  As a result, we were the least productive members of society that you’ve ever encountered and this includes people on reality TV shows. On the The Learning Channel. 

Also, we seriously were getting dumber every day. I’m pretty sure my kids have not only forgotten, but unlearned all that they were taught last year. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Domestic Enemies of the Grieving Mom

Two years ago today, a little boy died named Jack Donaldson. He was swept away in a flood not far from where I live. I didn't know him or his family. But that day, when it started raining hard and then harder, I felt something that might best be described as foreboding  There was just... a great disturbance in the force.

Then I found out what happened. That this precious boy was dead. It might sound stupid but I've not been the same since. It was like a wake up call - THIS CAN HAPPEN. Your child could die. There will be no rhyme or reason and going back in time five minutes to change everything. It will be like a dream you can never wake up from. You can read all about it here on his moms's beautifully written blog An Inch of Gray. Be warned, it is very sad, haunting and incredibly well-written. It may change you, too. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

The Domestic Enemies of the Mom with ADHD

When I got the email with this guest post in it, I was very happy because I know a bunch of moms with ADD or ADHD  - and you know what? They're all pretty awesome. Here's a brief blurbitty blurb about today's special guest blogger:

"Nicole is a stay-at-home mom of two adorable children under the age of five who has a particular/involuntary affinity for that's-what-she-said "jokes".  When she is not wiping someone's nose or scrambling to make dinner, she enjoys reading, writing on her blog, and watching reruns of her favorite television shows.  Both she and her husband have ADD, making life rather chaotic most of the time and their house in varying states of disarray always."  

So I proudly present to you... The Domestic Enemies of the Mom with ADHD.


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Swype Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Remember last fall when I shared with you all the horrible things my stupid phone does to embarrass me when I try to text people? Well it still happens all the time. And not just texting. It's when I try to type ANYTHING with my phone. Because apparently, I will never learn. Also, my phone is gross and needs to get it's mind out of the gutter. 

Warning: if you're mature or an actual grown up, you probably will not be very impressed with this post. You should probably go read the Wall Street Journal right now. For everyone else, proceed.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The World's Best & Funniest Back to School Photos

Last week a truly wonderful reader sent me this picture and told me I should run it and ask other people to send in their hilarious back to school pictures. After almost 4 years of hanging out with you guys, I pretty much always do what you tell me to.

So I now proudly present some very awesome back to school pictures:
The awesome picture that started it all.

Friday, August 30, 2013

The Best Back to School Picture EVER (and a round up)

Are you ready for perhaps the most beautiful and magnificent back to school picture ever? Well here it is:

Thank you, wonderful reader, for sharing this with me on Facebook. I love it as much as the self timer photo and I also love youIf you have a photo that is also wonderful, please send it to me at or post it on the RFML Facebook wall right here, and I will be so grateful.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Vacationing with Small Children and Medium Sized Dogs

This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

i dont want your life
This guest post is written by my very dear friend whom I have never met named Johi Kokjohn-Wagner. We share a mutual blog love that makes other people feel uncomfortable but I DON'T CARE. I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE. I love Johi and I don't care who knows it. 

Here's her bio: 

Johi is a writer, an illustrator, a humor blogger, a stay at home mom, a horsewoman and a photographer. She was raised on an Iowa horse ranch, where she was worked like a beefy man. Somehow, in the midst of hay lifting, manure scooping and mud boots, she developed a love of books, art, fashion and design. Johi currently resides in Ft. Collins, Colorado with her husband, their two sons, two naughty dogs, two adorable ponies and one smelly cat. She hopes, one day, to have her very own pink tractor.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

10 Ways You Know Summer is Over

Photo credit by Exsodus
I love summer this year and I don't want it to end. But then little things started creeping up on me and it has become clear that maybe it's time for summer to just be over for a while.

The biggest reason for this assertion? My kids are so sick of this house and each other that if we have have one more rainy day, I may as well set up an MMA cage match in my family room because that's what it will degenerate into by 3:00.

Another reason? The TV watching is totally out of hand. So I step in and set limits and turn it off and... First whining, then pouting, then the MMA fights start.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I F*&king Hate Holland.

Photo credit:
I read this post a couple of months ago and I was blown awayI am always looking for ways to be someone who GETS IT. Reading this helped me do that. But it also made me feel feelings: sad, angry, grateful. I want to thank the author of this post so much for allowing me to run it. It originally appeared on Special Needs Reality TV. 

There was a mother of a special needs child, Emily Perl Kingsley,  who wrote a beautiful story  about how having a child with special needs is not what was expected.  She compares it to being prepared to go to Italy and ending up in Holland. It’s all about accepting what we are given and seeing the beauty in it. But, I want it to be duly noted, that I hate Holland and the Hallmark platitudes that go with this story. I didn’t ask to go here and sometimes I am kicking and screaming through the whole tour. There are so many wonderful things written about the acceptance and gift of having a child with special needs. While all of this is true,  there is very little writing about the anger and denial of dealing with having someone who is atypical. And I’m pretty sure all of us are angry, hurt and bitter at times.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Perfect Trip

 This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

Rachael is one of my favorite people who I've never met. She's friends with Patti in real life and they hang out, which make me want to punch them both. Or lick their faces. I can't decide which. I fell in love with her  Facebook updates which are both hilarious and offensive and should be read all the time, always. Here's her bio:

Rachael Pavlik is a writer, mother and Pilates avoider. Author of the popular blog, which is beloved by tens of readers. Some she's not even related to. Her writing has been featured on Aiming Low and List Of The Day blog. She also writes for Houston Family Magazine and some say she peaked in high school. She lives in Houston, Texas with her Current Legal Spouse and two above-average children. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Sweet Valley... NO.

I have this friend Harlow Cole who is not a blog person but maybe should be. Because I could tell, just from her Facebook updates, that she's a writer. When I asked her to pretty please write a guest post the same way she writes Facebook updates, she looked at me like I was an outpatient. So I harassed her. She continued to look at me the same way. Then I gave up. 

Then she posted a Facebook update about what happened when she started rereading some of the Sweet Valley High books to see if they'd be suitable for her daughter. I called her her about 2 seconds later and I was like "WRITE THIS POST FOR ME OR I WILL HAUNT YOU AFTER I'M DEAD". So she did and here it is. 

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

11 Things About This Summer

It occurs to me that it's time to tell you guys some stuff that's been going on with me. I know I haven't been writing very much lately. For some reason, every summer turns into this bizarro scenario whereby I can either blog about parenting or actually parent my kids.

Unless I forgo sleep altogether (did that in the summer of 2010, wouldn't recommend it), I just can't write as much as I'd like to. Plus there's all that other stuff - you know - LIFE. It just keeps happening. So here are some of the things that have been going on with me. Some of these things are embarrassing. Others are funny. One is sad.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Domestic Enemies of the Mom Taking Kids to College

I got this email last night and I just had to run it. Sniffle. Thanks so much for sharing this with us!


Two years ago I wrote about the Domestic Enemies of the Mom with Teenagers. As time would have it my kids grew up and my youngest is headed to college this month.  I’ve discovered that this time of life has a lot in common with the preschool years.

The first day of school: Leaving your child at the first day of preschool college is heartbreaking. You take them to the new room find out where they should hang their coat and where they will take their naps. Then suddenly it is time to leave. How can you leave them? You must hug and maybe cry and turn and walk away. You realize that for that moment until you see them again you will not know what they are doing or if they are happy, sad, miserable or on top of the world.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Bumper Crop of Prejudices

 This guest post is a part of a series featuring my amazing and hilarious co-authors of the book "I Just Want to Pee Alone". 

Please meet Stacey, who is both delightful and attractive and apparently an excellent bowler. I love this picture of her so much because she looks like she could be one of my cousins.

Here is a little more about her: 

Stacey Hatton is a former pediatric RN, mom of two and humorist. You can read her crazy antics on her blog, Nurse Mommy Laughs or on Facebook or Twitter. She is also a featured columnist for The Kansas City Star newspaper, published in numerous parenting and health magazines, and recognized by the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop. Her humor essays can be found in her best-selling book, “I Just Want to Pee Alone” and “My Funny Major Medical.” 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

No Matter What - An Excerpt

It occurred to me that I never had a link up from here to the guest post I wrote for Glennon at Momastery. So here's a (rather large) snippet. You can read the whole (very long) post right here.

Here's the thing about Glennon, she's awesome. She's a real person and she's an incredibly talented writer and she's very brave. Because she shares the real things that I am far too chicken shit to even attempt. But I'm grateful that she's so brave, because I feel better for reading her stuff. I feel braver.

If you want to read a really great book, her memoir is brutally honest, painful, emotional, lovely and hilarious. Check it out here. 

Monday, August 12, 2013

Domestic Enemies of the Single Mom by Choice

Photo credit: Stock Image
This is a really good one, you guys! Here's a little snippet about the lady who write it for us:

I'm a single mom by choice. Because facing forty, being single and unemployed wasn't enough, I opted to also become a single mom. Best.Decision.Ever.  I've got my own mini-me and have learned that sassy wit and sarcastic comebacks do come packaged in the body of an 8-1/2 year old girl. We live in the desert where try to juggle the perils of single parenting, working full-time, and home maintenance (seriously, I just installed a door lock!!). In my spare time (HA!), I am a dog walker, cat litter scooper, fish feeder, lifeguard, craft queen and have been known to shovel horseshit (literally).  My family and friends keep me sane or at least join me in the crazy and usually bring the booze.  I love my friends so much, I wrote a blog about it.

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