Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Her least favorite number

Mini is learning to read. More precisely, Mini is learning to sound out words. I don't want to rush her into reading (she doesn't start kindergarten until the fall), but the Cap'n thinks she's an evil genius and we should get her literate ASAP so she can begin collecting minions. So he's been working with her and she's getting pretty good at it.

The other day in the van on the way to preschool, Mini and I made eye contact in the rear view mirror. And things got weird.

Friday, March 21, 2014

The Freaking Ides of March

The Ides of March has always been a bad luck day for me and I don't know why. It's become a thing and now I'm all superstitious about it. You can laugh if you want, but this year just reinforced my fears.

This year, the Ides of March was a Saturday and it lasted for three, long days. I'm not kidding. It began when my dog Brady ate something (that we now think may have either been a sock or part of a scarf) and made himself so sick that he almost died. It took 24 hours of cleaning up dog vomit and then a $6.5 million dollar surgery to save him.*

*Not the actual cost. Just felt that way. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Tinikling! Thank GOD!

Kind of like this.

My family is very fortunate because we live in a community with excellent public schools. In fact, my county sort of has swagger about its schools. It's not even subtle about it. My county is like one of your super annoying, humble-bragging Facebook friends who always manages to casually mention how successful everyone in their family is.

My county is EXACTLY like that. It sees the other counties at Starbucks and it's all: "Oh hey. What's up, neighboring jurisdictions? Congratulations on that #6 ranking! You must feel really good about that. Oh yeah, you saw that? #1 again this year. It's a blessing. OK, enjoy your coffee. Bye-eee!"

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Most Disgusting Thing That Has Ever Happened

My dog almost died today. Because he ate some fabric. Maybe a sock? They don't know. In any case it was gross and it was not even food of any kind so why did he f*cking eat it? I'm broke now but he's going to live. Because none of us could handle the idea of losing our very young dog a couple of weeks after losing our very old cat. OH MY GOD. Dogs, man, dogs.

With that in mind, I've decided to re-run this post:


If you have a weak stomach, or have a bad reaction to things that are disgusting (particularly in relationship to dogs and canine behavior), THIS IS NOT THE POST FOR YOU. You should probably click away. Because it's about to get all kinds of nasty up in here.

Here's the thing about having a dog. It's gross. Having kids is gross too, of course, what with the being puked on and never knowing where that smell is coming from. But dogs are worse. Last Friday, I greeted the early morning with an enormous, steaming pile of dog vomit that was in considerable danger of being re-consumed if I didn't clean it up fast enough.

Because dogs are gross.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Help This Woman: My Hero, Jas

Jas with her two boys Brandon, age 18 (currently serving
in the Air Force) and Jammel Jr.
UPDATE: Jaspen didn't win but she's still out hero!
You guys know we love to help other women and their kids, right? Well, today I'm asking you to help our friend Jaspen Boothe by voting for her as an "Unstoppable Mom" in a contest sponsored by the TV show Live with Kelly and Michael.

In the process of working to help moms and kids over the past couple of years, we met  Jaspen. She runs a non-profit called Final Salute, dedicated to helping women veterans. Specifically, this non-profit helps female vets and their kids avoid homelessness and find self-sufficiency. I firmly believe that no one who has served our country should ever be homeless. But there's only so much the VA can do. And honestly, the military is 85% male and the situation for women vets is different.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Viral Video of Dancing That Made Me Laugh SO HARD

This guy (Andrew Wilcox, a man with mad skills) lost a bet with his brother over a basketball game. So he had to dance for 30 minutes on a busy corner in Provo, Utah to music his brother picked out for him. IT IS MADE OF YES. It is all yes, all the time. I love everything about it.

The break dancing?! And the Spice Girls?! And the flip? SAY WHAT?! And DEAR LORD - was that some Fat Amy Mermaid Dancing at the end ("it's a lot floor work")?! I just… I have no more words. ONLY RESPECT.

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(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Thursday, March 6, 2014

My Cat Died and I Hate Feeling These Feelings

This amazing picture was taken by the
very talented, kind and cat-loving Kristin Merten
A couple of weeks ago my cat died and I'm so mad about it I could spit. Nothing actually happened to him. That's not why I'm mad. He was really old. His kidneys failed. He slowly faded away and on his last day, he sort of looked at me like: "Woman, it's time. Let's go." So I took him to the vet who confirmed that it was time and he died quietly in my arms a couple of hours later.

My arms still feel empty. They want to hold him one more time. My house seems weird without him in it. I hate that he's gone and I want him back and I hate that I had to tell the vet to kill him and I hate being a grown up sometimes and it all sucks. That's why I'm mad.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Don't Make Me Give You Up for Lent

I'm not Catholic, even though in the late 90's I worked for nuns and they told me they thought I should be. I think they have to say that to everyone, though. If I'm being accurate, one sister asked me if I was sure I wasn't actually Catholic instead of Presbyterian and I was like "Pretty sure, Sister Agnes, but thanks for asking".

Then I told her my dad had been raised in the church (he went to parochial school and was an alter boy in Trenton, NJ in the 1950's, which according to him means he was beaten regularly by nuns for his bad attitude for about 12 years). I also went to mass with my grandmother fairly often as a small child, where I was fed an unending stream of "mints" to keep me quiet. It wasn't until my first pregnancy that gestational heartburn caused me to realize they were actually Tums. Thanks, grandmom. 

Things We Never Have Enough Of

I recently noticed that we have this weird dichotomy in our house. We have way too much of some stuff and never enough of other stuff (usually the stuff we actually need). 

Here's a little chart to explain what I mean:

Oh, Sophia. Lay off the spray tan, sweetie.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

TMI with Johi

I'm sure you're wondering why these precious and adorable young men are the mastheads of today's post. It's because I did an interview with my very talented friend (and co-author) Johi Kockjohn-Wagner and she asked me who my celebrity free passes were. At first I was like, what the hell is a celebrity free pass? I get a free movie? Or is it like a fast pass at Disney? So I googled it and then I was like AW SNAP. 

Andy Dwyer shocked
Andy and I are basically the same person. 

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