Thursday, June 5, 2014

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: The Sharp Stick

Last week I had a long conversation with my kids about being nice to others, things mean kids do, what to do if you see something cruddy going on, what to do if you find yourself involved in something cruddy, etc. I tried to impart some wisdom, give them a chance to talk about what's going on at school, and overall - I thought the conversation went pretty well. But apparently it did not, because the take-away for my 5 year old was that MEAN KIDS ARE EVERYWHERE SO CONSTANT VIGILANCE IS REQUIRED.

This morning we walked to the bus stop. The three kids, the dog, and I all tumbled out of the house like we were coming out of a damn clown car because some people have never learned to walk through a door one at a time. Mini paused and stared at the stick that lives on my front porch.

A little back story about the stick. It's a special stick that her brother sharpened into a sword using his Cub Scout pocket knife. It lives on the front porch, under the hedge, so he and the neighbor kids can have pick up games of… I don't know, some game where they run around our yard with "swords" defending their realm. Because I may have possibly thrown a mini-conniption about the Cub Scouts giving my 8 year old a knife, my son is now terrified that I will ban anything having to do with pocket knives, whittling, pointy whittled sticks, etc. He is on thin ice where the knife is concerned, and he knows it. So that stick is a talisman for his fear of losing his precious, periodic and well-supervised access to his (wildly dangerous!) pocket knife.

Mini paused on the porch and reached for the stick. Her brother was not having it.

Mini: But I need it.
Mini: I need it. You go make another. I need this one. (reaches for it)
Hawk: No!! NOOOOOOO!!!! (He screams like he just found out Vader is his father)
Mini:  BUT I NEED IT!!! (At the same time)
Me: Oh for the love of Pete. Settle your britches, it's fine. And Mini! That is your brother's stick, don't touch it. And you don't need it, so start walking or we'll miss the bus.
Mini: (glaring, furious) I do need it. Fine! I'll get my own stick.

Of course in a matter of seconds, she managed to find a stick that somehow had been sharpened by nature into a deadly point. She then carried it proudly, like a saber, with a scowl on her small face. As we crossed the street, I waved to thank a car that had stopped to let us pass. The older kids smiled at the driver as they walked in front of his car. Mini glared at him and pointed her stick menacingly as we crossed. She didn't lower it until we were all safely across the street.

We turned the corner and saw a nice woman walking her dog on the other side of the street. She waved at us and said "hello." We all said "hi" back, except for Mini, who gave our neighbor the Joan Crawford face and brandished her stick again. The dog looked interested, but the lady looked kind of alarmed.

A moment later, the bus pulled up. We hugged and smooched the big kids and as they clambered onto the bus, we said goodbye to them.

Me: Bye! Have a good day! See you at 4:15! Love you!
Mini: I already miss you! Have a good day! IF ANYONE IS MEAN TO YOU I WILL COME TO YOUR SCHOOL AND STAB THEM WITH MY STICK! ((makes vicious stabbing motions)) Love you!

At which the bus driver's face did this:

I know when I'm being judged as a parent and, in this case, it's fine. I mean…what is there to say? My baby is a precious little cupcake that occasionally says truly horrifying things. It is what it is. I nodded at the bus driver to let her know I understood. Then I took my tiny assassin by the hand and walked back up the hill. By the time we got home, she had given the stick to our dog, who was happily chewing on it.  Apparently, the message had been sent to the outside world, and we were going to be safe from neighbors, passing cars, and mean kids after all.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013


  1. Love this!
    Mini is seriously my hero. . . on the other hand you might want to start watching those movies where the mother disposes of the killers victims for them, for research. . . just in case

  2. Ahhhh mini... I feel you are so much safer out in the world now with her watching over you.

  3. Conversations with mini are the best!

  4. I always have to click and read any story regarding Mini because it is guaranteed to make me laugh out loud. So awesome.

  5. I never comment but I have to say these stories are my favorite :)

  6. Thank God. My son is very interested in how the vet drew blood and let's just saaaaaay it's been a topic of conversation.

  7. I LIVE for conversations with Mini!!! I have started sharing them with my sister in law too because she is having a baby girl and I want to open her eyes to the amazing potential of feisty daughters.

  8. About a year ago, we were talking with my daughter (aged 6 at the time) about what she wanted to do when she grew up. For the prior year, she had wanted to be a Rock Star/Astronaut/OBGYN so we were really interested to see if that had changed. We asked her what she wanted to do and her response was "I want to make things dead." (Apparently, she wanted to be a butcher). That wasn't so horrible on it's own, except about a week later she was cuddling with us on the couch and looked at my husband and said "I love you so much you're going to die!" *cue hiding in the corner*

  9. I sincerely teared up to keep from cracking up at work. Your daughter is awesome. LOL. Kids say the funniest stuff. I know my two will be there before you know it.

  10. Our 5yr olds might be long lost cousins or something. Mine also says horrible horrible things. Oh, and today she got in trouble during her brother's karate class for randomly punching another mom in the boob. Hard.




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts