Monday, July 21, 2014

Adult Swim: The Conspiracy Lives

It's POOL WEEK here at Rants from Mommyland, as well as being the last week of swim team. In honor of this, here is a pool-themed guest post from my bad ass friend Jessica McNeill Azar from Herd Management

But before you read it, I have to tell you something really important about her. DON'T SKIP THIS PART, YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY. Or you might die.

You need to get to know this woman because:
(a) She is hilarious.
(b) She is a long time Mommylander and is totally one of us.
(c) She is our insider for all things "Outlander" this summer as she is GOING TO THE RED CARPET PREMIERE THIS WEEK and will be live tweeting/posting pics and then posting her reviews of the series. 
(d) So if you become her very best friend (as I have), that puts you within one Kevin Bacon degree of this:

WHAT?! Yes. YES. This is happening. 
Now, feel free to read her guest post about how annoying adult swim is when you have little kids and be sure to check out all the ways you can stalk her on social media (here on Facebook and here on Twitter) so she can give you the inside scoop on this beautiful man important literary adaptation.

I'm convinced that the concept of "Adult Swim" at public swimming pools is a conspiracy against mothers of small children, like myself. Even if it's not an actual plot against us, it certainly bites to be in my position when that godforsaken whistle blows. Laugh all you want.... But it's the truth. Let me show you what I mean. I've compiled a list of ways that Adult Swim effectively punishes people like me.

1) The Snack Bar Monopoly- My pool (like many other public pools) prohibits guests from bringing in their own food and drinks. When you have as many kids as I have that are ALWAYS hungry and thirsty, you could wind up going into debt over Popsicles ($3.00 a piece) and cans of Sprite ($2.00 a piece). This is why I smuggle in Capri Suns and Goldfish like it's Cocaine contraband, and try to be all stealthy about giving it to them. Even though I'm meeting the basic requirements for a "snack" inevitably my kids will start begging for whatever their friends are getting from the snack bar... And this almost always happens during Adult Swim. The Pool Authorities that Be know how desperate moms get during Adult Swim, which makes buying a hit of French fries for a screaming kid that is demanding to get back in the water sooooo tempting. Also, they conveniently have Daiquiris (the grown up kind) for sale at the Snack bar as well. Well played, Snack Bar. 

2) The Lifeguards Like to See Me Suffer- After constantly yelling at a bunch of loud, rambunctious kids for the past 45 minutes, you KNOW the lifeguards get a kick out of watching the Moms try to stand between the magnetism of the pool and their kids' determination of steel to get back in said pool. They're probably smugly thinking about how they'll NEVER wear a swim skirt and ALWAYS have a great tan and that THEIR children won't behave like some of the brats they have to keep from drowning at the pool. Your day will come, you red-clad Pool Nazi. 

3) Guaranteed Return Policy- By showing kids what it would be like without the pool, by depriving them of swimming in it for 15 minutes each hour, they are ensuring that the kids will never get enough of the pool. This guarantees that they will keep begging to come back every freaking day, all Summer long. This keeps us paying our membership fees... Create the demand and control the supply... Basic economics. It also shows the kids that the lifeguards have the real power at the pool... Piss off the lifeguards and they can make you sit out FOREVER. Kids love and die by that freaking pool whistle. I guess mine don't think I have the same power... But they would be wrong. 

4) Hell with Training Wheels- The heat is horrible when the water is right in front of us.... And the ground is burning my feet...and there is endless screaming and wailing from kids that have been temporarily exiled by the pool... And it seems like eternity, just waiting for the blow of the whistle. 

5) Pool Envy- It's even worse when the parents of young children watch parents of older children get in the pool and cool off without being splashed by a bunch of dolphin-like kids. Watching them casually pour handfuls of water on their arms of even serenely float on a pool noodle, completely uninterrupted, is the equivalent of watching someone else eat the last bowl of ice cream. We long for the day when we, too, can enjoy the safe haven of adult swim's exclusive waters... And silently curse the parents who have finally graduated to that lofty club. Locked out of Heaven, I say.

6) Bathroom Logjams- naturally, because the kids are bored and angry, they ALL decide (pool-wide) that they must go to the bathroom THEN. Because I have four kids, that means I have to go to the bathroom (where it's always freezing, especially if you're wet from swimming), cram myself into a tiny stall with two of the kids and let them pee three drops worth of pee, then pull their water soaked suits back on them. The extraction and replacement of the swimsuits can dislocate your shoulder if you're not careful. Inevitably someone will slip and fall, which causes more wailing until the magic whistle blows. 

If you've never thought about it, hopefully you can now see why I start getting anxious a couple of minutes before the whistle blows at the beginning of Adult Swim. It's like I'm enduring yet another test in the Parenting Survival of the Fittest Olympics, and there are days I wonder why I'm even a competitor. But then, when Adult Swim finally comes to an end, I watch my kids jump back in the pool and play delightedly, and I remember why... At least until the stupid lifeguard blows the whistle again.

Jessica McNeill Azar, author of the popular blog,, is a happily married SAHM to four kids ages 7, 6, 4 and 2. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in English with a Minor in Writing from Auburn University Montgomery, is a Huffington Post Contributing Blogger and also writes for websites like Mamapedia, Scary Mommy and BLUNTMoms. Her work will appear in three humor anthologies that will be published later this year. As a writer and Mental Health Advocate, Jessica is co-authoring an anthology which will be called Laughter is the Best Medicine; Using Humor to Survive Mental Illness. She enjoys running, and drinking single malt Scotch in the evenings to soothe her kid-rattled nerves. You can find her on Facebook( Google +, Instagram (buaidhnobas315), Twitter (@jazar31583) and Pinterest (jessicaazar)

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