Monday, July 21, 2014

Adult Swim: The Conspiracy Lives

It's POOL WEEK here at Rants from Mommyland, as well as being the last week of swim team. In honor of this, here is a pool-themed guest post from my bad ass friend Jessica McNeill Azar from Herd Management

But before you read it, I have to tell you something really important about her. DON'T SKIP THIS PART, YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY. Or you might die.

You need to get to know this woman because:
(a) She is hilarious.
(b) She is a long time Mommylander and is totally one of us.
(c) She is our insider for all things "Outlander" this summer as she is GOING TO THE RED CARPET PREMIERE THIS WEEK and will be live tweeting/posting pics and then posting her reviews of the series. 
(d) So if you become her very best friend (as I have), that puts you within one Kevin Bacon degree of this:

WHAT?! Yes. YES. This is happening. 
Now, feel free to read her guest post about how annoying adult swim is when you have little kids and be sure to check out all the ways you can stalk her on social media (here on Facebook and here on Twitter) so she can give you the inside scoop on this beautiful man important literary adaptation.

I'm convinced that the concept of "Adult Swim" at public swimming pools is a conspiracy against mothers of small children, like myself. Even if it's not an actual plot against us, it certainly bites to be in my position when that godforsaken whistle blows. Laugh all you want.... But it's the truth. Let me show you what I mean. I've compiled a list of ways that Adult Swim effectively punishes people like me.

1) The Snack Bar Monopoly- My pool (like many other public pools) prohibits guests from bringing in their own food and drinks. When you have as many kids as I have that are ALWAYS hungry and thirsty, you could wind up going into debt over Popsicles ($3.00 a piece) and cans of Sprite ($2.00 a piece). This is why I smuggle in Capri Suns and Goldfish like it's Cocaine contraband, and try to be all stealthy about giving it to them. Even though I'm meeting the basic requirements for a "snack" inevitably my kids will start begging for whatever their friends are getting from the snack bar... And this almost always happens during Adult Swim. The Pool Authorities that Be know how desperate moms get during Adult Swim, which makes buying a hit of French fries for a screaming kid that is demanding to get back in the water sooooo tempting. Also, they conveniently have Daiquiris (the grown up kind) for sale at the Snack bar as well. Well played, Snack Bar. 

2) The Lifeguards Like to See Me Suffer- After constantly yelling at a bunch of loud, rambunctious kids for the past 45 minutes, you KNOW the lifeguards get a kick out of watching the Moms try to stand between the magnetism of the pool and their kids' determination of steel to get back in said pool. They're probably smugly thinking about how they'll NEVER wear a swim skirt and ALWAYS have a great tan and that THEIR children won't behave like some of the brats they have to keep from drowning at the pool. Your day will come, you red-clad Pool Nazi. 

3) Guaranteed Return Policy- By showing kids what it would be like without the pool, by depriving them of swimming in it for 15 minutes each hour, they are ensuring that the kids will never get enough of the pool. This guarantees that they will keep begging to come back every freaking day, all Summer long. This keeps us paying our membership fees... Create the demand and control the supply... Basic economics. It also shows the kids that the lifeguards have the real power at the pool... Piss off the lifeguards and they can make you sit out FOREVER. Kids love and die by that freaking pool whistle. I guess mine don't think I have the same power... But they would be wrong. 

4) Hell with Training Wheels- The heat is horrible when the water is right in front of us.... And the ground is burning my feet...and there is endless screaming and wailing from kids that have been temporarily exiled by the pool... And it seems like eternity, just waiting for the blow of the whistle. 

5) Pool Envy- It's even worse when the parents of young children watch parents of older children get in the pool and cool off without being splashed by a bunch of dolphin-like kids. Watching them casually pour handfuls of water on their arms of even serenely float on a pool noodle, completely uninterrupted, is the equivalent of watching someone else eat the last bowl of ice cream. We long for the day when we, too, can enjoy the safe haven of adult swim's exclusive waters... And silently curse the parents who have finally graduated to that lofty club. Locked out of Heaven, I say.

6) Bathroom Logjams- naturally, because the kids are bored and angry, they ALL decide (pool-wide) that they must go to the bathroom THEN. Because I have four kids, that means I have to go to the bathroom (where it's always freezing, especially if you're wet from swimming), cram myself into a tiny stall with two of the kids and let them pee three drops worth of pee, then pull their water soaked suits back on them. The extraction and replacement of the swimsuits can dislocate your shoulder if you're not careful. Inevitably someone will slip and fall, which causes more wailing until the magic whistle blows. 

If you've never thought about it, hopefully you can now see why I start getting anxious a couple of minutes before the whistle blows at the beginning of Adult Swim. It's like I'm enduring yet another test in the Parenting Survival of the Fittest Olympics, and there are days I wonder why I'm even a competitor. But then, when Adult Swim finally comes to an end, I watch my kids jump back in the pool and play delightedly, and I remember why... At least until the stupid lifeguard blows the whistle again.

Jessica McNeill Azar, author of the popular blog,, is a happily married SAHM to four kids ages 7, 6, 4 and 2. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in English with a Minor in Writing from Auburn University Montgomery, is a Huffington Post Contributing Blogger and also writes for websites like Mamapedia, Scary Mommy and BLUNTMoms. Her work will appear in three humor anthologies that will be published later this year. As a writer and Mental Health Advocate, Jessica is co-authoring an anthology which will be called Laughter is the Best Medicine; Using Humor to Survive Mental Illness. She enjoys running, and drinking single malt Scotch in the evenings to soothe her kid-rattled nerves. You can find her on Facebook( Google +, Instagram (buaidhnobas315), Twitter (@jazar31583) and Pinterest (jessicaazar)

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2014


  1. I remember Adult Swim! The audacity of those 'olden people' to want, and get, the WHOLE pool for 15 minutes every. Single. Hour! This is genius!

  2. I love this post and I love Jessica!!!! My favorite part: Pool envy/last bowl of ice cream analogy. As a mom of teens I savor that last bowl of ice cream without the splashes.

  3. I love this post and I love Jessica!!!! My favorite part: Pool envy/last bowl of ice cream analogy. As a mom of teens I savor that last bowl of ice cream without the splashes.

  4. Our pool actually did away with adult swim this year. To be perfectly honest, I've never seen an adult in our pool that wasn't there merely because they had a small kid with them. My kids wanted nothing to do with the baby pool this year (4&7) and neither are swimmers, so I had to watch them. Of course my 4yo is more adventurous and my 7 yo is convinced I'm trying to drown her.

  5. I remember this when my kids were littles. Of course, it IS pretty nice when you're on the other side of #5 and can swim out to the middle of the pool to get away from your kids during Adult Swim!

  6. I remember my favorite part of Adult Swim was watching the dads compete to make the biggest splash from doing cannonballs in the diving pool. The kids would all gather around like it was the Olympics. Otherwise, Adult Swim was pretty much the worst. My son is little enough to just be in the kiddy pool anyway, but I don't look forward to the level of whining you describe.

    Adult swim is designed for the lifeguards to get a break, but I'm not sure why they don't just hire enough lifeguards to switch off in the first place. I guess financial reasons limit most of them.

  7. Hahaha! Thanks to my recent surgery I have not been pool-capable this summer. My husband has had to deal with it ALL. Mwahahahaha. I mean, poor him.

  8. Thank sweet baby Jesus we don't have community pools where I live. I'd get all stabby and snitchy. Grandma's pool = sweet heaven. Covered patio, all the beer & wine we can drink, and a trampoline for those who "get tired" of swimming. Paradise I tell ya.

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  10. God forbid we make kids wait for anything these days. And if your pool has a RULE about outside snacks, what kind of lesson are you teaching them by breaking the rule -- you can do what you want as long as you think its ok? Instead of making Adult Swim so horrible - how about things like daddy cannonball contests etc.

  11. This is aweseome because I never thought of the other side of the adult swim. I don't have kids and our pool doesn't have an adult swim or an adults only section. I desperately want an adult swim and keep meaning to suggest it with the lure that it will boost concession sales.

    I never thought about how horrible it must be for moms who have to deal with their unhappy kids being booted from the pool. I remember not being happy when that happened!

  12. We are members of the only facility with a long course pool within a half-hour's drive, but the lap lanes are not available for children to use - ever. The last 60 minutes of every hour. Even when they're empty.

    Because you know, a teenager training for JOs might have even lower standards for lap etiquette than that kid-hating barnacle who's been practicing her 0-yard wall cling on 30:00.00 intervals every. single. day. this. summer. And, naturally, insists that she can only do it in the long course pool.




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