Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Brutally Honest Kindergarten Form

I have a real problem on my hands. My daughter Mini just started Kindergarten and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out for the school. One of the things I need to do is fill out a form for her new teacher (who I hear is fabulous). The form has a couple of basic questions (child's name, date of birth, siblings, etc). Then there's the hard part. I'm supposed to answer the following question: "What can you tell us about your child?"

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY??


When I had to fill out the same sort of thing for preschool, I was totally honest. But they already knew her and our whole family really well. But this time, when at the Kindergarten Open House filled with new families that I didn't know and with a huge lump in my throat, I just scrawled something about what a special kid she was and how much I would miss her.

To be honest, I don't even really remember what I wrote. I just remember looking at her teacher, so highly thought of in our school, and the instructional assistant, who is equally well-regarded, and thinking "I am handing over my precious devil cupcake to these women and I don't think I can handle this and OH DEAR GOD - do they know she says horrifying things? Are they going to freak out the first time she talks about demon spots or sings All About That Bass?" 

But it was all too much for my brain and my heart, so we just went home.

Now I'm thinking that I probably have to write something to the teachers about what they can expect from my kid. I mean, I have to prepare them. So here is my answer to the question: "What can you tell us about your child?"

Here's what you should know about my daughter, in list form:
  • She is extremely special and adorable, as all five year olds are. 
  • But... She isn't really like other five year olds or at least not like my other kids were when they were five. She is the youngest of three, so she relates to older kids and the things they like.
  • She possibly (maybe) has seen a couple of PG-13 movies that we never would have let our older kids watch when they were her age but we all really wanted to see Guardians of the Galaxy and she totally loved it.
  • She also loved the soundtrack to that movie so she might sing "I Fooled Around and Fell in Love" in your class. I hope that's not a problem.
  • She says horrifying things. I don't know if she knows they're horrifying. I can't tell.
  • She claims she can read and write cat language. Cats can neither read not write (I've checked), but she remains adamant.
  • She is physically strong and mentally tough. 
  • She would wear princess dresses, old dance recital costumes, tiaras and bathing suits every day if I didn't stop her. In fact, this summer those things were all that she wore. Not kidding.  
  • That tells you pretty much everything you need to know about her summer.
  • She can't wait to be a teenager and this might be why I'm developing an ulcer.
  • She loves Marvel stuff (like her big brother) and prefers Loki to Thor. This is very telling.
  • She draws a lot. Like all the time. Her drawings are amazing and sometimes they're unintentionally hilarious. Here's an example.
  • She sings very loudly while on the potty. Songs like the one I mentioned above, a few from Les Mis, and pretty much anything from the Barbie movie "The Princess and The Popstar" (which she has committed to memory). You should be prepared for this. 
  • She knows she's loved and how important she is to our family. She derives strength and power from this total certainty of our affection. That power may be some form of dark plasma, though. We don't know yet, we're getting it tested.
  • She loves critters and babies and is always gentle with them.
  • She likes numbers better than letters. Also, she hates the letter C "because it steals things from the other letters".
  • She went to preschool for three years and in that time did not have a single disciplinary problem. Her teachers have described her as well-behaved and compliant. I fervently pray you will have cause to describe her the same way.
  • She's only been in your class for six days, and she already loves Kindergarten and loves you. Please take good care of my sweet baby because she is a precious little cupcake. Baked by the devil.
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15 comments:

  1. My absolute favorite line... "because she is a precious little cupcake. Baked by the devil." I am SO stealing that to describe my 2nd grader. :)

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  2. Precious devil cupcake just made me choke a little bit.

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  3. Love this! Your little cupcake is so very lucky to have such an otherworldly mom ;0)
    xo
    Rachel

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  4. "Because she is a precious little cupcake. Baked by the devil."

    I snarfed coffee. That is the best line ever.

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  5. I think you should send EXACTLY this to the teacher.If I were a teacher and someone sent this in to me, I would instantly think that a) this child is going to be a good time and b) you must be the coolest mom ever. And to never turn my back while she is in the room ;)

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  6. This made me teary. Thanks. Needed to start my day crying. ;)

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  7. Ha! I have some children who could be described much the same way...wonder who #4 will be by the time she heads off to school! Precious little cupcake...baked by the devil. :D

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  8. You should absolutely share your candid thoughts with Mini's teacher. I've often wished I taught in your area, so I could enjoy the devilish cupcake on a daily basis. She's my favorite part of reading your blog, actually.

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  9. My Little Miss Adventure is almost exactly the same. However instead of reading and writing cat language mine swears she is a king on an alien planet. She is a boy there so she will argue with you if you happen to tell her she is a girl. Or she will tell you she is a combination Alien/robot/dog/ghoast and will say that in the utmost sincerity so that when you smile and giggle she will get mad and tell you to stop laughing with her.

    She also wants to be a animal/person doctor and scientist when she grows up and will tell you right now she is already a scientist.

    I could go on and on with things like this about our girl. I definitely know how you feel.

    Jrseygirl in VA

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  10. Is this a 3rd kid thing? I mean, I'm the oldest of three, and my youngest brother is very loved and highly strange. Also, I married a third kid and he is not at all like his siblings....which is probably a good thing. And finally, I'm sure MY third is an evil genius in a cute costume, manipulating us all to do his bidding. So are teachers maybe onto this? Do we actually need to explain it, or do they already know to disregard everything they know about the older two and simply brace themselves?

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  11. Honesty seems like the best policy to me, but then again, I might not be the best parenting adviser... This is what I wrote about Pink P last year. Toned it down a bit for first grade, but it took every ounce of my restraint to do so.

    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2013/08/meet-pink-p-kindergartener.html

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  12. Precious cupcake, baked by the devil. LOL, I love it. I think your 5 year old is pretty darn cool.

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  13. I too have a newly-minted, Kindergarten girl this year (our oldest) and can totally relate. While there are so many things I like and respect about Mini's list, my favorite is where she "prefers Loki to Thor." Yes, the young lady has discerning taste.

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  14. My son attends this Phoenix pre-k, it is slightly higher in price but the difference in his excitement towards learning has changed tremendously in a positive manner. The teachers are so warm and welcoming.

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