Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Brutally Honest Kindergarten Form

I have a real problem on my hands. My daughter Mini just started Kindergarten and I have a ton of paperwork to fill out for the school. One of the things I need to do is fill out a form for her new teacher (who I hear is fabulous). The form has a couple of basic questions (child's name, date of birth, siblings, etc). Then there's the hard part. I'm supposed to answer the following question: "What can you tell us about your child?"

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY??


When I had to fill out the same sort of thing for preschool, I was totally honest. But they already knew her and our whole family really well. But this time, when at the Kindergarten Open House filled with new families that I didn't know and with a huge lump in my throat, I just scrawled something about what a special kid she was and how much I would miss her.

To be honest, I don't even really remember what I wrote. I just remember looking at her teacher, so highly thought of in our school, and the instructional assistant, who is equally well-regarded, and thinking "I am handing over my precious devil cupcake to these women and I don't think I can handle this and OH DEAR GOD - do they know she says horrifying things? Are they going to freak out the first time she talks about demon spots or sings All About That Bass?" 

But it was all too much for my brain and my heart, so we just went home.

Now I'm thinking that I probably have to write something to the teachers about what they can expect from my kid. I mean, I have to prepare them. So here is my answer to the question: "What can you tell us about your child?"

Here's what you should know about my daughter, in list form:
  • She is extremely special and adorable, as all five year olds are. 
  • But... She isn't really like other five year olds or at least not like my other kids were when they were five. She is the youngest of three, so she relates to older kids and the things they like.
  • She possibly (maybe) has seen a couple of PG-13 movies that we never would have let our older kids watch when they were her age but we all really wanted to see Guardians of the Galaxy and she totally loved it.
  • She also loved the soundtrack to that movie so she might sing "I Fooled Around and Fell in Love" in your class. I hope that's not a problem.
  • She says horrifying things. I don't know if she knows they're horrifying. I can't tell.
  • She claims she can read and write cat language. Cats can neither read not write (I've checked), but she remains adamant.
  • She is physically strong and mentally tough. 
  • She would wear princess dresses, old dance recital costumes, tiaras and bathing suits every day if I didn't stop her. In fact, this summer those things were all that she wore. Not kidding.  
  • That tells you pretty much everything you need to know about her summer.
  • She can't wait to be a teenager and this might be why I'm developing an ulcer.
  • She loves Marvel stuff (like her big brother) and prefers Loki to Thor. This is very telling.
  • She draws a lot. Like all the time. Her drawings are amazing and sometimes they're unintentionally hilarious. Here's an example.
  • She sings very loudly while on the potty. Songs like the one I mentioned above, a few from Les Mis, and pretty much anything from the Barbie movie "The Princess and The Popstar" (which she has committed to memory). You should be prepared for this. 
  • She knows she's loved and how important she is to our family. She derives strength and power from this total certainty of our affection. That power may be some form of dark plasma, though. We don't know yet, we're getting it tested.
  • She loves critters and babies and is always gentle with them.
  • She likes numbers better than letters. Also, she hates the letter C "because it steals things from the other letters".
  • She went to preschool for three years and in that time did not have a single disciplinary problem. Her teachers have described her as well-behaved and compliant. I fervently pray you will have cause to describe her the same way.
  • She's only been in your class for six days, and she already loves Kindergarten and loves you. Please take good care of my sweet baby because she is a precious little cupcake. Baked by the devil.
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