Wednesday, January 28, 2015

I failed this test and now I'm not special anymore.

I'm getting my very first pair of glasses and it's making me feel full of sadness and forlornery. I used to have awesome vision. It made me special. I have boasted to my husband over the past 20 years that while he was practically blind, my vision was a stellar 20/10 - which is practically like having a super power. I could read menus at tables all the way across the restaurant. Street signs were so easy, even a block away. Annoyingly small print? Yeah... Tiny print had no power here. You could shrink the font all day, but I could still read it without squinting. 

But not anymore because my stupid left eyeball has suddenly decided to stop working correctly. I'm used to it though, my metabolism did the same thing a few years ago and that's why I only like wearing stretchy pants now. I'm so disappointed in my left eye. It got lazy and stopped cooperating and now I'm not special anymore.

By the way, my right eye is just fine. Thanks for asking. My right eye isn't even upset about it. She's like, "This is only going to make me STRONGER as an eyeball". I asked the doctor about it and he said "Not really" but I don't believe him because I know it will teach her to compensate for the weakness of her partner and maybe even grow abnormally large and all-powerful. That eventually I might even become a cyclops. The doctor said that was also unlikely to happen. 

He said I should probably get glasses because I spend so much time on the computer doing important work like grading papers and playing Trivia Crack. But my glasses would just be plain glass for my right eye and a prescriptive lens for my uncooperative and extremely selfish left eye. 

Trying on glasses is a very strange experience. It's like you're being given the opportunity to fundamentally change your face so you know, don't screw it up. Faces are important, you guys. Some glasses made me look like I was a weird old lady who didn't understand that she was wearing ironic hipster glasses and please, for everyone's sake, don't do that. Another pair made me look like I was about to participate in a ritual killing. I ended up going with the one that was the least weird.  

Then I went to pay for them and found out how much they cost and I was like "HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" The lady behind the counter just shrugged so I suggested that maybe I should just go buy a pair of readers at the dollar store and pop the right lens out. She looked concerned and alarmed for my mental health. When I said the same thing to the Cap'n later that evening, he had a similar reaction, because apparently that's frowned upon and considered "weird" and a precursor to the kind of behavior where your family involuntarily commits you to a home where you can't bring your 38 cats or your collection of Leonard Nimoy spoken-word poetry.

I'll be honest, his take on my left eyeball situation was tediously smug. As if he'd been waiting for the moment when I would lose my super power and we would become equals. But we are not equals. He is a lot smarter than I am. He cocked his head to one side and said: 'Have you considered a monocle?" 

I HAD NOT. I am so stupid that I hadn't even asked the lady at the glasses place if they had prescription monocles. 

My son chirped that I could also get a top hat and cane to go with it and I could live my life as a human, female version of Mr. Peanut. Wouldn't that be amazing?! I thought it would be especially awesome when I would show up at his school to volunteer in his classroom and all of his classmates and friends would realize what a bunch of weirdos we are and he would be like "WAIT. Please stop twirling your cane, mom." But I would not stop twirling my cane because by then I would be dedicated to living my life this way and a person of integrity does not compromise herself because a 4th grader is embarrassed. 

My husband cleared his throat and broke my reverie. "I think a monocle is a good idea. You would have to name it Lewinsky, of course."

Monocle Lewinsky. Yes. Yes forever.

And with that, I felt fine about about my new glasses and the fact that I no longer have super vision. My left eye and metabolism can go into early retirement with my blessing. I have snazzy new glasses and the possibility of one day owning Monocle Lewinsky. I am fortunate indeed.
I just noticed that this line drawing I made of a monacle looks a lot like a diagram of sperm. That is very amusing.
(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2015

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  1. I am dying, just dying from laughter over here!!! This is the most awesome thing I've read in a long time

  2. This is me! I had to get reading glasses this summer. Dangit! My eyes were also full of superpowers. So I did get cool hipster glasses because they were just for reading and they were COOL. Then, 4 months later(!!!!!) I had to get bifocals! WTH! My eyes just decided to go totally crap all at once. So here I am sitting with my hipster glasses on because there was NO WAY I was paying that much money for another pair of glasses. So now, as I am walking my kids into preschool (wearing glasses that only look awesome on people 10 years younger than me) all the moms silently judge me for not accepting the fact that I am in my mid 30s! Eyes are evil!

  3. When I saw the line drawing I instantly thought of a person slightly bent with their head down, lol

  4. I got my first pair of glasses in 1st grade. So that part about not screwing up your face?
    Occasionally i see pics of myself without glasses and i DO NOT RECOGNIZE THAT WOMAN. She seems to have the family resemblance, hmmm, wait she looks really confused and isn't focusing her eyes.... IS THAT ME REALLY.

  5. Thank you for this laugh today!!

  6. Holy crap, my left eye is also being a douche! What is it with left eyes? If I get a monocle I will call it Monocle Geller.

  7. Monocles need to make a come back. There could be a whole army of slightly batty north of 35 moms wandering around twirling our canes and peering out through our monocles. Our new superpower would be wearing stretchy pants and tails and top hats and bowties a la Caberet-style. We could medium-kick in a chorus line! I adore it!

  8. If you wear Monicle Lewinsky around me, I would beg you to say "I say old chap" over and over.

    Thank you for making me smile today.

  9. Awesome! We buy our glasses online. My last couple pairs were $20 total, lens, frames and shipping from Hong Kong included. They are just as good as $300 glasses and I don't have to worry so much about the kids breaking them.

  10. Dying, just dying of laughter.

  11. I'm just waiting for my husband-with-perfect-vision to reach this point. Sadly, I think I will be secretly happy, having absolutely horrid eyes myself. I'm 45 and he's 40, so I've also hit the situation of needing reading glasses besides my contact lenses to look at anything small and he isn't there yet. BUT IT WILL HAPPEN!! heh heh heh.
    The monacle is hilarious.

  12. The power of puns is strong in that one.

  13. Does Monocle Lewinsky come with a box of cigars? Just asking...

  14. Go visit you could get a pair of prescription lenses for under $30. Mine usually run about $15 per pair and that's with both sides being prescription glass! ;-)

  15. Glad I am not the only one that looks like a granny in hipster glasses. I always seem drawn to them but when I put them on I see my grandmother. I thought everyone else but me could wear them. Nice to know I am not alone. I have heard good things about too. Never tried them but may need to next time.

  16. That's so funny! My first thought was of a monocle too! You just made my morning. I have missed your fun posts.

    Thanks to the lovely ladies that mentioned - I am now looking forward to finally shopping for glasses!




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