Friday, February 20, 2015

Brutally Honest Whole30 Diary Week One

Whole30 Day 0:

Later this week, I'm starting a diet/nutrition/sadness program called Whole30. Where you eat nothing but strict Paleo, clean food for 30 days. No sugar, no dairy, no wine, no joy.

I don't want to do this and everyone says it's really hard even when you're totally committed (but it's worth it and you learn a lot). Here's the deal, I'm doing this because I feel like shit all the time. I'm insulin-resistant due to having PCOS. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get. My weight sucks and feels totally out of control.

So will it be hard? I'm sure it will be. But feeling like garbage all the time is hard, too. At this point I'd rather be hungry and never eat cheese again than continue to feel like this.

So let's see how this goes. Right now I'm reading the book "It Starts With Food: Discover the Whole30 and Change Your Life in Unexpected Ways" (affiliate link) which is supposed to be step one of this thing. It's an easy read so far and it all makes sense and everything.

My friend E is about to do this for the third time and she's being extremely helpful and encouraging. The joke is on her though, because she has no idea how grouchy and overly-dependent my shit is about to get. I also reached out to Guru, who just bought the book, and she sent me a text that said: "I look forward to changing my life in unexpected ways with you." ((snort)) She's such a smartass.

Whole30 Day 1:
So I finished the book and just decided to start the damn program right away. The food is fine. In fact, it's actually been really good and I don't feel deprived or hungry at all. It took more time to prep things, but it really was not a big deal. A couple of times, I found myself reaching for something to cram in my piehole (Goldfish crackers lying around, half a corn bread muffin my kid left out) and I was like - "Wait. Stop. You're not even hungry so what are you doing?" Apparently these types of internal conversations are sort of the whole point of this exercise, so yay me because I'm clearly already winning at this mofo.

In fact, the food has been the least of my problems today. Here is a list of other things I messed up since starting the Whole30 this morning:

  • I put on a white bra and then changed my mind about what I was going to wear and put on a thin black shirt over it but didn't notice that my stupid boobs were screaming LOOK AT ME through my shirt until 8pm when I went to go put on my pajamas. I may have scarred some children's fragile psyches with my stupid, enormous boobs.
  • I went to work without my wallet and had a huge fail in the parking garage and needed to hike over to the parking office to beg for help and they were smug and unhelpful and acted superior and maybe thought I was an idiot which - thank you, I am already acutely aware of that. 
  • I showed up at a doctor's appointment an hour early.
  • I was rude and short-tempered and used a tone with my children.
  • I wrote a stupid email and it got deleted so I wrote it again, with a slightly nicer tone and sent it. Then I checked my sent folder and realized they both got sent. I think this maybe makes me look like a crazy person. That was not my intention. It is generally my intention to hide my crazy.
I freaking give up on today. Eating this Whole30 thing is easy compared to having to deal with my own brain. The book says around Day 14, you start to experience improved mental clarity. To which I (and everyone who knows me) responds with "YES PLEASE HOW ABOUT NOW?"

Whatever, here's what I ate:
  • Coffee - I bought some full fat coconut milk/cream from Trader Joes and spooned that into my coffee instead of milk and it was weirdly good. Kind of creamy and greasy at the same time.
  • Breakfast - eggs scrambled in clarified butter with lots of salsa.
  • Lunch - all natural, approved Chicken sausage sautéed in coconut oil, apples and carmelized onions. 
  • Snack - Cashew Lara bar
  • Dinner - beef chili with no beans and extra veggies. 
If I get hungry again (doubt it - currently stuffed), I may have some nuts. I LOVE NUTS. I like to eat them. I would make a joke right here about putting salty nuts in my mouth but I'm in such a foul mood that I can't even formulate one. So that's the take away from Day 1 of Whole30 for me, you guys - being in a shitty mood and screwing up even the most basic things like getting dressed or not getting my car impounded or a passing on a good nuts joke.

PS - I know they are a million typos. But I'm too filled with annoyed anger to fix any of them. God damn it. I have decided to find a gif to describe my mental and emotional state for each of the 30 days. Here's it is for today:



Whole30 Day 2:
We got 6 inches of snow last night, so we were all stuck at home together with way too much food. I made sweet potato hash browns with onions for breakfast and I thought they were only OK. You see, I love hash browns a lot and I make them from scratch all the time because we're homies. I like them to be salty, crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. These didn't really crisp up and they were more sweet than salty. But whatever. They were still OK.

I used the free time I had being home today to make and prep a ton of food for the week. That was nice, because it gave me a feeling of healthful purpose as I procrastinated doing other, more important things. Shut up, laundry. Nobody asked you anything.

Here's what I ate today:
Get the recipe HERE.

Coffee: One cup with Trader Joe's coconut cream, one cup black
Breakfast: Sweet potato and onion hash with 2 fried eggs on top
Lunch: Leftover chicken sausage sautéed with apples & carmelized onions
Dinner: Chicken and zucchini poppers (little, yummy meatballs) with guacamole and salsa, and a side of roasted butternut squash
Snack: Unsalted, not delicious nuts that I did not want in my mouth (so I only ate a couple).

I was in a good mood today. My kids were super happy sledding and making forts and going to neighbors'  houses until about sundown. When their cruel mother made them stop playing and insisted they do horrible things like bathe and complete overdo homework assignments. Then they were the ones in the crappy mood. So there was still yucky attitude in the house but this time it wasn't mine.

The kids really liked the chicken and zucchini poppers, though. Those little monkeys would have happily eaten all them.

A couple of notes, I had to take a Tums after breakfast. The main reason I'm doing this Whole 30 thing is because my stomach hurts all the damn time and I'm hoping all the stuff about promoting "gut health" is for real. Also, I wasn't hungry at all today. Didn't miss anything. I would have liked a glass of wine but honestly, I've had so much water to drink that I can't stop peeing and don't really want any more liquids.

So my Day 2 gif is of my imaginary friend Jennifer Lawrence, demonstrating the "I got this" nod used by weird girls the world over.

Jennifer Lawrence Yeah OK

Whole30 Day 3
Another snow day today (for the record, it's 5 consecutive days at home with the kids (day 9 with the one who had the flu last week). Being trapped in my house all together without our usual flurry of activity means that by the end of the day, we're all getting on each other's nerves just a little bitSo yet again, the food was the least of my problems today. 

Also yet again, my kids who can eat anything in the entire world they want including a sugary, dairy-filled plate of extra bread-crumb coated pasta, only wanted to eat the Paelo stuff that I was cooking. What the hell, kids?

Also, yet again, shopping, chopping, prepping, and cooking food took up a ton of my day. I went to Whole Foods (a place I assiduously avoid because I do not enjoy paying $4 for an apple). I went to get special ingredients like "Coconut Aminos"  - a substitute for soy sauce. Soy sauce is apparently a double agent in the Gluten wars - sneaking it into seemingly safe food and triggering colon blow-outs in unsuspecting celiacs.

This is a groovy salad that E made me. It was awesome.
A friend bought a ton of stuff for me on her Costco run, as well. Mostly veggies and Aidell's chicken sausage. I would say - all together - that the cost of the food for week one for just me is well over $100. A lot of the stuff (like the aforementioned Coconut Aminos) will last for the 30 days. But still, it's an investment. 

Today I ate:
Coffee: Three cups of Sumatra with creamy/greasy coconut cream
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, with a spoonful of sweet potato hash and a spoonful of salsa 
Lunch: Salad with a couple of chicken poppers 
Snack: Bowl of leftover chili
Dinner: Spinach salad with apples, strawberries, avocado, (gag) kale and some more chicken poppers (good even cold!)

So other than occasionally yelling at my kids to stop yelling at each other and spending all day dealing with some aspect of meal preparation, day 3 was easy. I call it "Wednesday". Here's the gif to prove it - a casual thumbs up from a cat who gives no shits.

Thumbs Up Cat

So here's something to look forward to - apparently days 4 and 5 are when you want to kill everyone because all the sugar in your body is gone. I guess the sugar is what makes you sweet and nice and all the vegetables and lean protein that have replaced it are slowly turning you into an angry, mentally alert, high energy fit person. That actually makes TOTAL SENSE. 

Whole 30 Day 4
Today, again was no big no deal as far as food goes. That's awesome because today was supposed to be one of the times that you want to kill everyone and I didn't. Or perhaps maybe homicidal is my normal state and so I couldn't tell the difference.

Today my kids went back to school and the return to our schedule filled me in on a couple of things:

1) I got a little twinge of heartburn mid-morning and it occurred to me that the only time I've gotten it since starting Whole30 is after drinking coffee. See! I'm figuring things out! I'm awesome at this! Except of course, you will try to take away my coffee and you will pull back a stump. But at least I know it doesn't agree with me!
2) For the first time since starting Whole30, I got that tired, draggy, need a nap feeling that I always get right around when my youngest gets home from school. I haven't had it yet this week and now I wonder if it has to do more with our normal wake-up time or the fact that I'm usually finishing up a day's work about the same time she gets home. 

Here's what I ate today:
Get the recipe HERE. I used ground turkey and fresh ginger.
Coffee: 3 cups with coconut cream
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs, with a spoonful of sweet potato hash, and a spoonful of salsa. Yum.
Lunch: Marinaded steak and sweet potato hash that E made for me because she is super nice and my very good friend. 
Snack 1: Bowl of leftover chili because I was about to go serve Chick Fil A and Pizza and sheet cake to cub scouts and for the love of God I was going to be stuffed or it was going to get ugly.
Dinner: I made Egg Roll in a Bowl and while it could have been amazing if I'd been allowed to add regular soy sauce and some other things that are off-limits, it was really good and my oldest daughter kept staring at me while I was eating it like she wanted to push me violently out of my chair and gobble it down while making loud monkey sounds.
Snack 2: Trader Joe's dried pineapple. A handful. Because I did not eat sheet cake so damn it, I deserved something sweet.

Here is today's gif. Because Chick Fil A and Costco sheet cake filled with chocolate mousse thought they were the boss of me and tried to make me eat them and I was all: (giggle) you're precious


Because I eat what I want. I mean, I would LOVE a size XXL glass of Pinot Noir right now but whatever. That's not the boss of me either.

Whole 30: Day 5
A couple of things about Day 5. Thing one, I had the weirdest, most vivid dreams EVER last night. There were miniature trains and flooded drainage ditches that became swimming holes and secret rooms in my house and college parties and some flying where I did the breast-stroke through the air. These dreams lasted ALL NIGHT LONG. It was crazy. Apparently it's a part of the Whole 30, because you're detoxing the sugar and junk out of your body.

Thing two - I had a super productive day and got so much done. I felt great and actually felt pretty mentally clear, which was a lovely change from my normal fuzzbrain  Then mid-way through the afternoon I got a headache. That headache turned into a HANGOVER. Six hours, lots of water, and some ibuprofen later and I still feel like garbage. Again, this hangover things is supposedly pretty normal. I guess the more junk you ate before you started, the harder and more intense the hangover phase is. Given that I ate an entire box of Samoas and drank a bottle of red wine in the two days prior to starting, I think this hangover phase is going to be bad.

What I ate today:
Coffee: 2 cups w coconut cream
Breakfast: scrambled eggs, salsa
Lunch: salad, chicken poppers, salsa and guac
Snack: bowl of chili (at 5:30pm because pizza was coming)
Dinner: salad w chicken breast and guac (at 8:30pm because kids were eating dessert)
Snack: some dried pineapple

Here's the third thing I should be very clear about: For the past two days I have been eating more than the program advises. But I have three kids and they have friends and activities and I'm surrounded by pizza and cake and potato chips. My attitude is that I'd rather eat too much of the good food (that is Whole 30 compliant) than be hungry and give in when a child offers me a bite of gooey and delicious bacon pizza and I blow all my progress. The way this Whole 30 sadness program works is that if you slip up, you have to start over. FORGET THAT. I have five days under my belt and I'm not starting over.

So here I am, eating well and drinking tons of water and doing everything right and feeling like a poop sandwich. Hopefully, tomorrow the hangover will have passed. Here's today's gif:


Ew No

Like I said, I'm not starting over and I'm not giving up. Because hangover headaches aren't the boss of me, either.

Whole30 Day 6:
I'm posting this late because yesterday was yet another snow day and I decided to keep my kids from going stir crazy by having some neighborhood kiddos over to watch a movie and eat dessert. Until 10pm. And then walk them home in an ice storm. I am not a smart woman.

Here's what I ate:
Coffee: 2 cups w coconut cream
Breakfast: bowl of chili (because the kids has sleep-overs and I made them cinnamon rolls of which I had not one single crumb, so where is my damn medal?!)
Lunch: chicken poppers, roasted butternut squash with a spoonful of home-made mayonnaise on top like a creamy sauce. It tasted weird. That mayo was a bad idea.
Snack: mug of hot, home-made bone broth. By the way, bone broth? Also called stock. Probably not magical. Still waiting to see.
Other snack: Apple with cinnamon sprinkled on it.
Dinner: Pan-seared chicken with sautéed garlic, onions & peppers on a bed cauliflower rice. Cauliflower rice is weird, by the way. 

As weird as the cauliflower rice was, the chicken was THAT tasty.
Late snack: some dried pineapple, raisons, and nuts because the kids & their friends were eating Girl Scout cookies and it took every ounce of will power I had not shove Thin Mints in my mouth.

I ended the day in a bad mood because the hang-over headache was back (with a vengeance) despite clean eating and drinking tons of water. I was grouchy and just wanted small people to go to bed already so I could read my book and feel crappy in peace. Here is yesterday's gif:


Diva Kid Does Not Want

I love this kid more than anything. HE TOTALLY GETS IT.

Oh! Also! Yesterday, I got my period 5-7 days early. For someone with PCOS, that's super weird. Late period? Yes, all the time. Early? Like never. Not in 15 years. 

Whole30 Day7:
I have a real freaking problem with my FitBit. Some days I get up, get kids off to school and I've already logged 2,000 steps. Other days it's 900. Other days its 450. Today, I've been on my feet all day - running here and there and never sitting down and according to my FitBit I've only walked 4,500 steps. 


This week I plan to getting some fitness in, no matter what my discouraging and unsupportive Fitbit says about it. Especially ready to do that as today, food was pretty easy.

Coffee: 2 cups w coconut cream
Breakfast: 3 eggs scrambled, salsa, guac, and a little cauliflower rice. That was disgusting and I will NOT be doing that again. It's just I read this blog post about how if you put raw cauliflower in the food processor for a long time it can kind of end up the same texture as grits. Which YES - it's more texturally like grits than rice but NO. Not with eggs. Never with eggs. ((shivers))
Lunch: Left-over seared chicken (see picture from yesterday) dipped into guacamole. It was delicious.
Snack: More chicken dipped in guac. Because yummy. 
Dinner: Eggroll in a Bowl again. Basically it was a stir-fry of ground turkey, fresh ginger, garlic, onion, bagged broccoli slaw, carrots, and a ton of cabbage sliced into thin "noodles". I also added Coconut Aminos (because no soy sauce) and some Whole30 compliant hot sauce. But it still needed more flavor so I added a lot more salt and pepper and the juice of a lime and some cilantro. I ate a huge bowl of it and the kids ate some over jasmine rice. 

Woke up with the hangover headache today. Is there anything more lame than waking up with a hangover when you haven't touched a drop of booze? It's like paying for a sin you haven't committed. The good news is, the headache was gone by mid-day and it hasn't come back.

Today I found I had more energy than normal and less of an appetite. I was also extremely busy, though. When I'm busy I tend to be less hungry and eat less, anyway. But today seems to have been substantively different in terms how much I felt I could comfortably eat. I have to be careful though, because if I go too long without eating, my blood sugar dips and then it takes a while to get it regulated and in the mean time I feel like garbage and I'm a huge bitch. But today, I wasn't hungry, ate reasonably, and didn't feel blood sugar swings. That's awesome given that I haven't eaten any damn sugar in a week.

So the first week is over and I'm feeling good. Confident that I can make it 30 days? Yes. I mean, I miss Girl Scout cookie season and red wine after the kids go to sleep, but the extra sleep and lack of heartburn is totally making up for it. 

Big take-aways from week one?

  • Have a shit ton of compliant food on hand for when you get hungry.
  • Buy the stuff and then prep it so it's there and ready when you need a nosh.
  • If you're tempted to eat something bad - eat something compliant and then see how you feel.
  • After a week of doing this, I'm starting to think of food in a more objective way. Less about "I want this and it will make me feel nice to eat it" then "I am hungry now so I should eat some compliant food so I don't feel hungry anymore."
  • I have a lot of thoughts about that, but I haven't figured them out yet. 
  • If I can do this for a week, literally anyone can do this. 

So here's today's positive, resolute gif: 


Let's Do This

Onto week 2!!

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