Thursday, March 26, 2015

I poop glitter.

I was walking through the Wal Marts yesterday and I saw this little beauty on clearance. Before I even knew what I was doing, I had whipped out my phone and taken a picture of it. About 30 things were running through my head simultaneously:
  • No, it does not really say that. 
  • If I don't take a picture then no one will believe that this is real.
  • I would buy it but nothing that poops glitter is coming inside my house.
  • Cleaning up regular glitter is a goddamn nightmare, so poop glitter probably takes all day.
  • The only way that you can poop glitter is if you eat glitter and if that rabbit is eating enough glitter that it becomes his primary marketable characteristic, then he's an idiot.
  • That doll looks vapid and vaguely medicated, like she doesn't even realize it's a rabbit on the end of the leash and not some small breed of large-eared dog. 
  • She looks like the kind of asshole who would buy a glitter-egg pooping bunny for Easter then abandon it at a kill shelter before the first of May. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

Allowance or No Allowance?

Photo by Ponsulak via
Last week I got an email from my friends at Let's Talk Live asking me if I would be willing to come on the show and talk about allowance for kids. Is it a good idea? A bad idea? How much and how often?

Of course I have no idea about this stuff. We don't do allowance at my house because of a couple of very good reasons:
  • Mommy forgets to pay kids because she never has the right amount of cash and then she gets all confused about how much she owes people and everyone gets dissapointed/angry.*
  • The kids are SUPER ENTHUSIASTIC about our allowance plan! For maybe two weeks. 
  • The longer my kids associate chores with money, the more they seem unwilling to do anything they're not getting paid for.
*I hear the tooth fairy has the same problem. Get it together, ladies.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 - Results & Follow Up - Updated

It's Day 31 and I did a couple of important follow up things today:
  • I weighed myself (finally).
  • I took "after" measurements.
  • I added dairy (in small amounts) back into my diet, otherwise I'm still eating clean because I don't want to make myself sick.
  • I went to the doctor for a full check-up with bloodwork.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 Day 30

I did it. Well, I almost did it. I'm going to bed in a few minutes and when I wake up, I'll be done with the Whole 30. So this is today's gif:

Right On


Monday, March 16, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 Days 26-29

This will be the shortest post ever. I'm terribly sorry about dropping off the planet as far as the (near) daily blogging of they Whole 30 is going, but my real life got very busy and by the end of each day I was wiped and just went to bed.

I don't actually remember what I ate 3 days ago, but I can tell you this:
1) It was eggs for breakfast.
2) It was 100% compliant the rest of the time.
3) I probably had at least one snack per day (like apples w cashew butter or a Nick's Stick or something).

So in case you were worried, I didn't cheat or back track. Just got busy with kid activities and work on my house. Tonight I had contractors in my kitchen so I couldn't cook. We went to Outback where I got non-seasoned grilled steak and shrimp, with steamed broccoli on the side ordered off the gluten-free menu.  It was one of two meals I've eaten in a restaurant since starting this. It was nowhere near as good as I remember Outback tasting - that is true. But I had forgotten how incredibly delicious food tastes when it is prepared by someone else. It was AMAZING.

So tomorrow is my last day of my Whole 30. Holy crap. I miscounted and thought my last day was Wednesday. But no. I am actually done tomorrow. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN AND WHAT IN THE HELLING HELL DO I DO NEXT? I never thought I'd make it past the first few days and now here I am. It's all very confusing. So I picked you this for today's gif, because I feel like Brit:


So tomorrow, I'll be wrapping up my last day. Then I'll do a follow up a week later to see how all this food reintroduction is going. Spoiler alert: wine is coming back first.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2014

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Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Whole 30 Quiz

Have you done a Whole 30? Well, I'm on Day 27 and it's been amazing. Did you learn so much about your relationship with food? Did you figure out lots of new things about yourself? I did! I learned that I love almonds but they don’t love me. Also, that I'll lose my schmidt if my husband decides to eat my left-overs for a snack WHEN DAMN IT HE CAN EAT LITERALLY ANYTHING HE WANTS ON THE PLANET SO WHY THE HELL IS HE STEALING MY FLANK STEAK??

No? Just me. Kidding. That never happened.

I decided to create a little quiz for us! So we can see all that we've learned and accomplished over the past 30 days. Please answer these questions as honestly as possible. (Note: If you lie, the admins on the unofficial Whole 30 boards will find out and then attempt to publicly shame you.)

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 - Day 24 & 25

It happened! I felt the TIGER BLOOD today and I was WINNING. I ran around doing all of the things including taking a really, really epic walk and still have tons of energy. It's crazy. Thank you, Tiger Blood, I am in love with you. I could seriously get used to this. It probably doesn't hurt that I got a great night's sleep last night. No one woke up. Nobody snored at me. And I woke up early and hit the ground running and pretty much haven't stopped.

Oh by the way, the reason I didn't blog last night? My kids would not go to sleep. Would Not. It was no bueno. I may have yelled. A lot.

Another update! After doing a really great but ass-kicking workout on Monday, I can finally lift my arms above my boobs so I'm no longer eating like I'm a t-rex. So that's nice for me.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 - Day 22 & 23

Oh my god. I just want to have a glass of wine. I don't even care about the sugar and I'll give up pasta forever. JUST ONE GLASS. Sigh. 23 days in and I'm not quitting but Kombucha in a wine glass is just not cutting it tonight.

Yesterday was so dumb. I worked out with E at her gym and did a workout that was very fun (though hard) and reminded me a lot of a crossfit workout without the Olympic lifting. I lifted teeny weights and did sit ups and squats and pushups and it was simultaneously awesome and horrible. The coaches who ran the class were AMAZING and the other women in the class with us were really nice. It's so cool to see women of all different ages, sizes, and backgrounds just killing it with kettle bells and stuff. RAWR LADY POWER!

Within a couple of hours I realized I might have possibly overdone it when I couldn't lift my arms higher than my boobs. It's slightly better today but I had to run a Daisy scout meeting this afternoon and getting up and down off the floor during circle time was downright embarrassing.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 Day 21

So I'm just about done with Week 3 of Whole 30. I have to say - now that I'm in the swing of things, I'm really not feeling like this way of eating is so hard. Crazy, right? I just wish less time was spent on cooking, prepping, and cleaning. That part of it all is exhausting.

So this morning I woke up way too early and went to a nutrition talk with E given by her coach/personal trainer/fitness guru. He's a young guy who trains a bunch of people I know and they all adore him. His talk was really good. He walked a group of us through Wegmans and talked to us about what to buy and what to avoid and all that good stuff. I was glad to have gone because I learned some new stuff and met some very nice people and got a good price on some chicken thighs.

Unlike yesterday when I was starving all day, today I was forgetting to eat. I had lots of energy but still not experiencing that elusive "Tiger's Blood" people talk about.

Reluctant Whole 30 Day 20

I'm publishing this late because I went and hung out with my friend last night and chatted and had fun. Just two friends with no kids or distractions and it was wonderful! She drank lovely red wine like a champion. I drank Kombucha like some sort of person. Who drinks fermented tea. For fun.

Who have I become?

I found myself super hungry yesterday and couldn't really explain why. Some of it was actual hunger and some of it was stress/emotional related. So I ate several snacks but you know what? If I'm eating healthy, real food that is totally Whole 30 compliant - then I'm not going to sweat it. Because there is a HUGE difference between what I wanted to stress eat and the healthy stuff I actually chose to eat. So I call that a win.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

All you parents need to watch this video with me right now

I just had a melt-down because I got the location wrong on one of the 4,327 things my family has to do today. IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD. I had no idea how much I needed to see this right now. Hat tip to the queens of awesomeness at Essence Magazine for bringing this to my Facebook feed and bringing me back to my senses.

This amazing video is starring Adrienne C. Moore (from Orange is the New Black) and is sponsored by an organization called Make It Work, which surprisingly has nothing to do with Tim Gunn, and everything to do with helping create economic security for working Americans.

We are not screwing this up, people. Standing slow clap for this woman.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 Day 19

Today I had so much energy that I was actually itching to go work out but of course, it was yet another snow day so I couldn't (sad trombone). Today I also learned that maybe I'm eating too many carby vegetables and my stupid PCOS is like - I'm sorry but you can't lose weight because insulin resistance and you ate a single freaking carb.

By the way, I learned that from a superstar who left a comment on yesterday's post and once I read it, I was like. Yes, she's right and went back and re-read a bunch of crap and now I can't eat potatoes, either so damn.

I also learned that although I love and adore almonds, I'm pretty sure they don't love me back. That makes me sad. I ate something with ground almonds in it for lunch and I felt terrible. I have suspected for a long time that part of my heartburn issues prior to Whole 30 stemmed from eating a handful of almonds in the afternoon or evening when I felt hungry or low blood-sugary. Stupid almonds are supposed to be good for you.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 - Day 18

We got about 6 inches of snow today and I made approximately 458 cups of cocoa with whipped cream on top and didn't even want any! I did want to squirt whipped cream directly into my mouth, though. But that's ok. Only 12 more days and I can reintroduce dairy.

Here's what I miss: cheese, milk in my coffee, a glass of wine at night after the kids go to bed, Girl Scout cookies, a nice piece of dark chocolate.

Here's what I don't miss: bread, pasta, rice, cereal, oatmeal, anything carby. This is actually a huge surprise to me, but I just don't miss them at all. I miss wine, but I don't miss the unconscious way I used to reach for it most nights. I don't miss the fuzzy feeling in my head early in the morning when I stayed up watching House Hunters International too late and had another glass. I miss the idea of sweets like cake and cinnamon rolls, but now I don't actually want to eat them because I know how crappy they're going to make me feel.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 Day 16? 17? I've lost count.

Food was easy today - SO EASY. I was barely even hungry. I had to force myself to eat because I kept forgetting. Normally, if I were to say something like that, it would be because I was pretty close to dying of something like consumption. Also, my energy was great all day.

Some nice people asked me for the recipe for the shrimp salad that was so delicious that it made me eat all of it one day even though that's gross and glutenous and very, very bad. Shrimp salad is powerful stuff. I copied the recipe from my friend E who made some and gave me a bite a couple of weeks ago.

I'm a HUGE nerd who loves my job

I show this version of Maslow's Hierarchy every semester.
So some of you may know that I teach undergrads at a college that I could never have gotten into myself because I made bad choices in high school. I haven't written much about it here, maybe because it's my real job and worlds colliding and all that.

I teach Public Health. The class I teach is a great fit for me because it's a survey course, which means we cover hundreds of years and topics in one semester. As a result, the course content is (as my dad would say somewhat derisively) a mile wide and an inch deep.

By now you know that I'm also a big dork who dearly loves things like Totoro and Korra and Marvel and Harry Potter and too many other geekish things to list here. But I love Public Health the most. Oh my gosh, you guys. I want to talk about drug resistant gonorrhea all the time. Did you know that many of the US-funded Ebola treatment centers in west Africa have never treated a single patient?? Social determinants of health are my jam, you guys.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 - Day 16

I realized I'm annoyed about something tangentially related to doing Whole30. Facebook groups can be super helpful and they can also be really, really irritating. I just dropped out of one that was intended to help me through this process because it was not good for my mood equilibrium. You guys have spoiled me and I was starting to think everyone out there on the world wide interweb was cool and funny and smart and basically kind-hearted.

Here's a few things I needed to remind myself of when seeking advice from randoms on the internet:

  • If you take advice from randoms on the internet without fact checking anything, that is no bueno.
  • Sometimes the randoms say things with decisive authority and it turns out they're actually full of shit.
  • Sometimes, randoms on the internet enjoy not being particularly nice for no apparent reason.
  • Sometimes, I fall into that category and have to delete my comment because even though it was fairly nice, it will open me up to comments that will make me feel like I have a petulant army of crawfish in my pants. 

Monday, March 2, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30- Day 15

Another snow day that isn't actually a snow day! Another day on Whole 30!

I barely slept last night. I kept waking up to check and see if school had been delayed or cancelled and like a bunch of SUPERSTARS, the school district waited until 6am to make the call. By 6am, I was just up and unable to go back to sleep.

Plus, and this is going to sound really stupid - but last night I beat one of my behavioral dragons that made me not want to do Whole 30. I love to watch Downton Abbey and have a glass of wine (or 2) and some snacks. I love it so, so much. It's my happy time. And I sort of wondered if I could even enjoy watching it without the wine and snacks, knowing they were off limits. The answer is yes!  It was fun and I didn't miss the wine at all. I had a snack and it was healthy and everything was all good.  I can't believe I even worried about it now!

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Reluctant Whole 30 - Day 14 & Week 2 Wrap Up!

So I'm nearly half way there! Today is the day I'm like - why the hell isn't this a Whole 28? That would make a lot more sense. But I have never understood these Paleo people and their so-called "logic".

Lemme talk about a couple of things:

I feel really good though I do not feel any thinner. This process is supposed to be about what they call "NSV" (non-scale victories) and I have plenty of those. No need for Tums or Pepcid since day 2 or 3. Sleeping better than I have in years. Less hungry than I remember being, except for that time last year when I had pneumonia. More energy than I remember having since I became a parent almost 12 years ago. I may not be losing weight (which frankly, wouldn't surprise me given how much meat and fat I'm eating) but something positive is at work here. In order to keep myself honest, I've scheduled a full check-up with blood work for Day 30. The last work up I had was around this same time last year, so we should be able to do a pretty good before and after snapshot when this is all done.

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