Thursday, March 26, 2015

I poop glitter.

I was walking through the Wal Marts yesterday and I saw this little beauty on clearance. Before I even knew what I was doing, I had whipped out my phone and taken a picture of it. About 30 things were running through my head simultaneously:
  • No, it does not really say that. 
  • If I don't take a picture then no one will believe that this is real.
  • I would buy it but nothing that poops glitter is coming inside my house.
  • Cleaning up regular glitter is a goddamn nightmare, so poop glitter probably takes all day.
  • The only way that you can poop glitter is if you eat glitter and if that rabbit is eating enough glitter that it becomes his primary marketable characteristic, then he's an idiot.
  • That doll looks vapid and vaguely medicated, like she doesn't even realize it's a rabbit on the end of the leash and not some small breed of large-eared dog. 
  • She looks like the kind of asshole who would buy a glitter-egg pooping bunny for Easter then abandon it at a kill shelter before the first of May. 

When I got home, I showed the picture to my 9 year old son and he was like: "THAT IS HILARIOUS." And I was all: "No, it's horrible and stupid."

He asserted that girls probably liked that stuff. That's when I got annoyed because NO, THEY DON'T.  I mean, sure, if you gave this doll to my girls - they'd play with it because it's a new toy and new toys are awesome. But they wouldn't pick it out of a crowded shelf. That's why it was on clearance.

When I showed the picture on my phone to my 6 year old, she glanced at the box and started reading: "I... Poop...Gli... tter... I POOP GLITTER! HA HA HA!! Which one? The rabbit? The bunny poops glitter? They look like jelly beans? Are they edible? Can I have that?"

My reaction was something like this:

nope animated GIF

But without the f word.

Let's dissect her reaction to the product, working backwards:

Can I have that? NOPE. It's horrible and you're better than that. Nope forever.

But is the glitter poop edible? It is not. No poop, real or fake, is edible. We've actually covered this. But it raises an interesting point for the charming people who designed this product.  Because my 6 year old just identified an issue that should cause you considerable concern. You created pretend turds that look exactly like pieces of seasonal candy. Do you not consider that a major design flaw and a possible litigation hazard?

Which one of them poops glitter? Oddly, this is the one that annoys me the most. She's 6, she's just learning to read and she wasn't looking carefully at the box. So it took her a second to realize that it wasn't the doll who was supposed to poop glitter.

This recalls the second thing my son said when he'd looked at the picture. "Girls probably like that stuff," he said. "Because they think they have to be perfect all the time and shiny glitter poop is perfect because it doesn't stink like regular poop."

Translated from 4th grade boy, I take that to mean: "This product may appeal to girls because even at 9 years old they feel the unrealistic, overwhelming pressure to be perfect -- even from their stupid, glitter-shitting toys."

I called him out on his statement: "Do you think anyone wants to feel like they always have to be perfect? Because I was a girl and no one wants to feel like that. Feeling like you have to be so perfect that you can't even poop actual poop is a crazy maker, my friend. BECAUSE NO ONE IS PERFECT AND EVERYONE POOPS REAL POOP." Then I started grumbling about reinforcing unfair socio-normative gender roles and my son (who is used to my rants) just slowly backed out of the room.

But you guys, it gets better! I found out on the manufacturer's website that there's a whole series of these toys! LOOK! A unicorn that poops rainbows! For real!

And also this!
I don't even get what's fun about all this pooping. Do you have to pick up the poop and then keep putting it back in the animal? No wonder the panda is making that facial expression. I've been dealing with other people's poop for a long time now (canine, feline & human) and I will be the first to tell you that it is not actually that fun.

The people who invented these toys are probably pooping out glitter-covered $100 bills filled with rainbows right now, while laughing at me for inadvertently promoting their product. Poopheads. Glitter poopheads.

PS: I posted this picture on my Instagram account a few days ago and have been giggling at your comments ever since. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO MUCH FUNNIER THAN ME?

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