So this week is horrible. Last week was also bad. My grandmother holds a very special place in my life and she seems to have taken a permanent turn for the worse. She is in the hospital and as of Monday, is no longer mentally competent. Death and dying seem to bring out the worst in some people and this situation is no exception. There's conflict between her family and her primary caregiver. I’ve thrown my hands up in the air, not because I just don’t care, but because there is literally nothing I can legally, physically, or emotionally do to change anything in this situation and once I accept that, I hope I'm able to calm the hell down and start to process my grief.
She's still here but she feels lost to me. I feel a little lost myself.
I wish the pain I felt was unambiguous, but it's not. The situation is complicated. There are a lifetime of choices playing out right now, the consequences of which are falling like rain on three generations of our family. I've been acutely aware since I was a small child that the idiom "we reap what we sow" while true, fails to mention that many of us must reap what others have sown, for better or worse. For a lifetime. How different this world would be if our choices and actions only affected ourselves.
I need to remember that as I go through each day. I need to never, ever forget that. My choices can potentially inflict themselves on those I love years and years into the future. Maybe I should keep a small piece of shrapnel in this wound, and let it heal over where it struck, just so I never forget where it came from. So I don't let complacency or the passage of time distract me from always doing the best I can with what I have. From trying to stay focused on doing the next right thing.
Maybe that will be her legacy.
More coffee now. And some deep breaths. Then a long walk. I'll be fine.
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Wednesday, May 13, 2015
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I'm so sorry for your suffering and the pain your grandmother is in. Will keep her and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteShe's in my thoughts and prayers, and also hoping for some peace for you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteMy mom died 3 weeks ago from Alzheimers. The end was downhill in months. She ended up in a hospital. Than a psychiatric hospital. Then I had to find her a new dementia facility. I had so many decisions to make. Some of them were very, very hard. You ask yourself what is the correct thing to do? What would they want? And I was the one in control, I can only imagine how hard it is for those not in control. The lesson I learned was pick people to be in charge you know would follow your wishes and communicate your wishes. Discuss the hard subjects. Discuss the gray areas. In the end all anyone can do is the best they can....
ReplyDelete"Maybe that will be her legacy." I've never looked at a situation like this in that way. Thanks for this gem; you are wise to view life this way!
ReplyDeleteI lost my grandmother two weeks ago today. :( I'm still lost. Still adrift. I think it threw me into some quarter life crisis... It made me suddenly see that I need to start doing what i WANT to do.... Maybe go back to school and make my difference in the world. Show my kids that there is more to life than just earning a paycheck. ya know? I am thinking of you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There are tons of us in this sea of grief... treading water right along side you. Keep your chin up. Loves!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this, Julie. My family will be thinking of you and praying for you and yours.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your family, Julie. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you. And I love the lesson you pulled from this horribleness. We truly do reap what we sow, but others can end up reaping it as well. Thank you for this reminder.
ReplyDeleteJulie, we went through something similar when my grandmother died, and years later, the wounds haven't completely healed for anyone in the family. Praying for things to sort themselves out in your family!
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteThats a tough place, I've been there. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDelete