So this week is horrible. Last week was also bad. My grandmother holds a very special place in my life and she seems to have taken a permanent turn for the worse. She is in the hospital and as of Monday, is no longer mentally competent. Death and dying seem to bring out the worst in some people and this situation is no exception. There's conflict between her family and her primary caregiver. I’ve thrown my hands up in the air, not because I just don’t care, but because there is literally nothing I can legally, physically, or emotionally do to change anything in this situation and once I accept that, I hope I'm able to calm the hell down and start to process my grief.
She's still here but she feels lost to me. I feel a little lost myself.
I wish the pain I felt was unambiguous, but it's not. The situation is complicated. There are a lifetime of choices playing out right now, the consequences of which are falling like rain on three generations of our family. I've been acutely aware since I was a small child that the idiom "we reap what we sow" while true, fails to mention that many of us must reap what others have sown, for better or worse. For a lifetime. How different this world would be if our choices and actions only affected ourselves.
I need to remember that as I go through each day. I need to never, ever forget that. My choices can potentially inflict themselves on those I love years and years into the future. Maybe I should keep a small piece of shrapnel in this wound, and let it heal over where it struck, just so I never forget where it came from. So I don't let complacency or the passage of time distract me from always doing the best I can with what I have. From trying to stay focused on doing the next right thing.
Maybe that will be her legacy.
More coffee now. And some deep breaths. Then a long walk. I'll be fine.
(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2015
Check us out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram & Pinterest. Better yet - subscribe! Mostly because Facebook is now so dumb that our updates don't even show up in our own feed anymore.
Popular Posts
-
When I got the email with this guest post in it, I was very happy because I know a bunch of moms with ADD or ADHD - and you know what? ... -
This is Jas with one of the babies that Final Salute is helping. If you've been here with us in Mommyland for long, you know we have... -
At the end of every sports season, there is usually some sort of party where the coach talks about each of the players and sometimes, give... -
Last Friday, roughly 25% of the second grade at my kids' school was sent home with a nasty stomach bug that had kids puking in buckets... -
So last summer, my youngest daughter (age 5) began seeing previews for a new Dora show called Dora and Friends: Into the City! Gone was th... -
As we wrap up our annual gift card exchange , we thought we'd share some ideas on ways you can keep helping moms and families in need.... -
This is some bullshit right here, you should know that now. The little boy is about to drop that heavy ass pumpkin on his dad's foot, wh... -
Who me? A jackass? YES, yes & yesser. Remember that time I told you the story about how I threw up at Five Guys and how stories of m... -
Note: I found this post deep in my drafts folder today. It's never been published before. I wrote this six years ago, about the daughter... -
Hi and waving! Guru Louise here! How was everyone's Christmas? And more importantly, how is everyone surviving school vacation week?! ...
