Friday, December 11, 2015

So You Don't Believe in Santa

Here is a helpful holiday tip so that people won't hate you.
I'd like to clarify something about the holidays. Let's say your child has decided that Santa Claus is not real and you've discussed it and everyone at your house is all on the same page. That's great! Seriously. Good for you. But if you're having these conversations, there is one crucial element that I am literally begging you to include in the discussion. Ready?

THE FIRST RULE OF DECIDING THAT SANTA IS NOT REAL IS KEEPING THAT INFORMATION TO YOUR DAMN SELF. It's like Fight Club. You don't talk about it. Everyone knows that rule, don't act like it's a surprise. You can talk about how you don't believe in magic and awesomeness and whatever else when you're with your friends at the fight club, ok? But when you're in the first grade lunch room or at the bus stop with a bunch of pre-schoolers playing and happily chattering about Christmas, that's not cool and you need to quit it.



Remember when you had to tell your kids where babies came from and you were all: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GO TALKING ABOUT PENISES AND SPERM AND STUFF ON THE BUS.  PROMISE ME, TREVOR. IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. And then you reinforced that message because you didn't want your kid traumatizing some poor kindergartner with tales of how the baby comes out?

It's pretty much the exact same thing.

Families believe lots of different things and I sincerely respect that. It's what makes this great nation so awesome. But just because we approach the topic of Santa differently doesn't mean you get to poop on my magical holiday tradition. For some people, the idea of Santa is really special and if your kid squashes that yuletide joy because he's trying to impress some fifth grade girls or had too much candy at snack time, he's going to hear about it and so are you.

Do you need proof of why you need to instruct your kids not to talk about it? Here's what happens when a big kid gleefully decides to burst the bubble of a little kid who still believes in Santa. First the little kid experiences violent denial.

NOOOOOOOOO!!! (Elf)

That quickly degenerates into hysterical snot crying:

Then comes the realization that the world is not quite the happy, hopeful place they thought it was and how maybe they should just start drinking their apple juice straight up and making jaded comments about how everything sucks:

Everyday is exactly the same

Why? Why would you want to do that to a small child during the season of perpetual hope?  Because of you and your big mouth, Christmas will go from being a time of great magic, wonder, and gratitude to one of resigned cynicism, excessive shrugging, and giving parents side-eye. I am not ready for that, ok? Some of us would like for it stay sweet and wonderful just a little while longer. Is that too much to ask for? Is it?

You know who else this whole thing applies to? Grown-ups who have conversations about the realness of Santa within earshot of other people's kids. Stop that right now. I don't care if you think it's fine. I don't care if those kids are lighting Menorahs or are wearing t-shirts that say "We don't celebrate Christmas because Star Wars is our religion and The Force rocks our socks" - don't you dare ruin Santa for them. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR DEAL IS, SO JUST ZIP IT. 

You know who else really needs to hear this message? Surly older brothers and sisters middle school age and older who are easily annoyed by their younger siblings and just want to be left alone. GUESS WHAT? You say anything uncool about Santa in front of your little sister and you get your iPhone smashed, Brianna. Count on that. OH YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY TO DESTROY YOUR LITTLE BROTHER'S SENSE OF HOLIDAY WONDER? Well guess whose XboxOne just got donated to the senior center, Jacob? That's right. Now grandpa and his bros are playing Halo and discussing how your $5 dollar Christmas check just got downgraded to $3. Not laughing now, are you?

That's pretty much it. As with everything else, I genuinely respect your family's right to believe whatever you want. Just please follow Wheaton's law and don't be a dick about it. Please, please don't ruin my family's Christmas because your kids have outgrown it or you've decided it's not for you. Am I forcing my overly enthusiastic approach to the holidays on you? No sir, I am not. Am I walking up to you and forcing you to wear an elf hat, even though you look would look amazing in one? I am not. Am I forcing you to come over and watch Hallmark holiday movies with me while we stir our coffee with candy canes? No indeed. But you would love it. My couches are super cozy and my coffee is delicious.

Just do the right thing. Don't believe in Santa? Fine! Just make sure you and yours follow the fight club rules and there won't be a problem.

Thank you.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2015

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