Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Reasons Why The Tooth Fairy Didn't Show Up Last Night









The following are a list of possible reasons that the Tooth Fairy didn't show up last night like she was supposed to. Feel free to use these reasons as needed. 

(1) The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night because there were so many precious children all over the world that needed her and she knew that you would understand because you’re so thoughtful and kind. She promises to come tonight and bring you something extra special!

(2) There’s actually a new rule! Are you ready? Any tooth that falls out after 7pm is considered a “next day” tooth. Your tooth fell out at 8:35 so technically, she wasn’t even supposed to come last night.

(3) The thing is that your neighborhood is actually in a Tooth Fairy training area. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but the new class of fairies have some issues. I mean, they’re great. But they’re super needy and they don’t take anything seriously.

(4) The Tooth Fairy wasn’t able to make it last night because she got distracted by the internet and made some shopping choices she now regrets. 

(5) The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night because she fell asleep putting her three year old to bed. As a matter of fact, the Tooth Fairy had a lot of important things she was supposed to do last night that didn’t get done and today is probably going to be a poop-show as a result.

(6) So last night, the Tooth Fairy was relaxing, watching Downton Abbey and having a glass of wine and she was full of good intentions. But right after Downton Abbey ended, she was flipping through the channels and saw that a Fixer Upper marathon was just starting and the next thing she knew it was 2:00am and the bottle was empty. Sorry.

(7) I’m going to be honest with you right now, your room is really dirty. There might be a connection there. Maybe the Tooth Fairy walked in, stepped on something wet, and then bailed because it was too much for her. 

(8) The Tooth Fairy is just really, really busy this week and is juggling a lot of balls. As a matter of fact, she’s going to text your mom that you should probably give her a 3-4 day window this month until things settle down. A 3-4 day window is actually really common.*

*Ask the moms at the bus stop tomorrow, they will confirm.

(9) Dude, you lost the tooth that fell out. Why are you pointing fingers at the Tooth Fairy when you can’t even keep track of your own teeth? How gross is it going to be for someone to find that? They’re going to be like; “Oh what’s this? Is it a little stone? NO! GAHHH! IT’S A HUMAN TOOTH!” 

(10) The thing about being a Tooth Fairy is that it never, ever stops. Being a Tooth Fairy is freaking relentless. Everything you do well is taken as normal and basically ignored and everything you do poorly is CALLED OUT and you know what? Some days that’s a goddamn crazy maker. 

(11) You know what? The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night because SOMEONE didn’t go the ATM like they were supposed to. But sure, fine, blame the Tooth Fairy because everything is her responsibility.

(12) Sometimes when the weather is awful, the Tooth Fairy really has to put safety first. You know that. Add that to the new rules, ok? Bad weather, 3-4 day window, and anything after 7 is “next day”. Got it? Great.

(13) When was the last time you did something for the Tooth Fairy? How about a thank you? Would that kill you? I mean, the Tooth Fairy does an awesome job like 99% of the time and the one time she’s late you’re all: “BITCH WHERE’S MY MONEY?”

(14) The Tooth Fairy needs to tell you something. She’s having a hard time right now, but she’s making some much needed changes. She’s exploring mindfulness and she’s thinking about doing another Whole 30. She’s not going to forget again.

(15) OK she actually did forget again. That’s unfortunate. But the good news is that she’s here now and she has this $20 bill. So as long as you don't tell your siblings how much you got, we can just pretend this never happened. 

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2016

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5 comments:

  1. I remember my mom forgot once and wrote this really elaborate letter the next day, complete with a special present. I have a suspicion I will not be able to live up to that.

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  2. I have made so many excuses for the tooth fairy that my kids have got the idea and invent their own reasons... oh well it is hockey season and lots of kids get their teeth knocked out at hockey, that's probably why she's late, right mum?

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  3. Tooth fairies of the world, UNITE

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  4. That is absolute greatness! I have done the messy room thing before. The only time the room gets cleaned is when a tooth is lost now. Sheesh!

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  5. The tooth-fairy fell asleep before my little guy did. He deliberately stayed awake to surprise the tooth-fairy. Next morning, disappointment and crying tears. It's hard raising a kid that needs so little sleep, just like his producer.

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