Talking with Offspring

Does anyone else think its funny that I have gigantic, disembodied cat paw on my face?

As many of you know, I work with responsibility.org and this month they asked me to write about how I get my kids to open up to me and tell me things. Mostly it's getting them alone in the car, that's my big trick. They’ll basically tell me anything when they don’t have to make eye contact and they think I’m partially distracted by the road. 

Unofficial Olympic Events My Kids Would Win

In honor of the summer Olympics, I would like to present a list of events in which my children excel. They are naturally gifted at these things. My youngest, for example, is the Katie Ledecky of not putting her goddamn cereal bowl in the sink. 

Sadly, the events listed are not officially recognized by the IOC. This makes me feel a bit wistful that Proctor and Gamble will not be sponsoring them or making heartfelt commercials implying that their excellence is a combination of my outstanding parenting and their commitment/hard work. 

Team events:

• Pretending they can't hear me when I say things like "turn off the tv".
• Kicking off their shoes into a large stink pile by the front door.
• Complaining that there is nothing to eat when in fact, there is an embarrassment of B-list snacks in the pantry.