Thursday, August 18, 2016

Unofficial Olympic Events My Kids Would Win


In honor of the summer Olympics, I would like to present a list of events in which my children excel. They are naturally gifted at these things. My youngest, for example, is the Katie Ledecky of not putting her goddamn cereal bowl in the sink. 

Sadly, the events listed are not officially recognized by the IOC. This makes me feel a bit wistful that Proctor and Gamble will not be sponsoring them or making heartfelt commercials implying that their excellence is a combination of my outstanding parenting and their commitment/hard work. 

Team events:
  • Pretending they can't hear me when I say things like "turn off the tv".
  • Kicking off their shoes into a large stink pile by the front door.
  • Complaining that there is nothing to eat when in fact, there is an embarrassment of B-list snacks in the pantry.




Bronze:

  • Making their beds using the little-known wadding method.
  • Saying "I can't find it" while not actually looking.
  • Telling me they're not thirsty and then drinking all the water in my water bottle.

Silver:

  • Knowing all the words to songs on the radio that are wildly inappropriate and then repeating them in front of their father so I look like the bad parent.
  • "Forgetting" to brush their teeth.
  • Leaving random, half-empty glasses of water all over my house.

Gold:

  • Taking my iPhone and not giving it back.
  • Losing one flip flop in mid-August, when it is impossible to buy replacement flip flops.
  • Not flushing.

My kids also excel in not wanting to wear a jacket even when it's freezing cold, losing their water bottles at school, and staring at me blankly when I ask them to feed the dog. I think we can safely place them as alternates in these events.


(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2016

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5 comments:

  1. My daughter regularly swears she's brushed her hair while looking like a homeless psychiatric patient.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Agh! The cups! All.the.cups all over the house. See also, popsicle wrappers and/or sticks.
    My kids have the gold for "inability to find desired things because they are looking for said things with their eyes closed."

    ReplyDelete
  3. At least yours leave water glasses. I find random glasses of solidified milk that comes out in a solid chunk.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So much all of these! Even when they're teenageers. Maybe especially when they're teenagers. "Mom, I swear I did and turned in my homework! The teacher must have lost it!" Is also pure gold.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is fantastic! I just returned from a 4 day trip visiting extended family, where my kids won bronze (can't find it), silver (teeth) and gold (flushing). They also qualified in the lack of hair brushing. There was a lot of side eye from family, as you can imagine. Thanks for this!

    ReplyDelete

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