In honor of the summer Olympics, I would like to present a list of events in which my children excel. They are naturally gifted at these things. My youngest, for example, is the Katie Ledecky of not putting her goddamn cereal bowl in the sink.
Sadly, the events listed are not officially recognized by the IOC. This makes me feel a bit wistful that Proctor and Gamble will not be sponsoring them or making heartfelt commercials implying that their excellence is a combination of my outstanding parenting and their commitment/hard work.
- Pretending they can't hear me when I say things like "turn off the tv".
- Kicking off their shoes into a large stink pile by the front door.
- Complaining that there is nothing to eat when in fact, there is an embarrassment of B-list snacks in the pantry.
- Making their beds using the little-known wadding method.
- Saying "I can't find it" while not actually looking.
- Telling me they're not thirsty and then drinking all the water in my water bottle.
- Knowing all the words to songs on the radio that are wildly inappropriate and then repeating them in front of their father so I look like the bad parent.
- "Forgetting" to brush their teeth.
- Leaving random, half-empty glasses of water all over my house.
- Taking my iPhone and not giving it back.
- Losing one flip flop in mid-August, when it is impossible to buy replacement flip flops.
- Not flushing.
My kids also excel in not wanting to wear a jacket even when it's freezing cold, losing their water bottles at school, and staring at me blankly when I ask them to feed the dog. I think we can safely place them as alternates in these events.
(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2016
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