Thursday, September 29, 2016

How to Drive Your Mother Crazy Before 8am

(in just 21 easy steps)
1. In the middle of the night, go stand next to your mother’s bed, as silent as a panther. Position yourself 3-5 inches from her sleeping face, and stare at her until she opens her eyes and screams in terror.
2. Wake her up a few more times, for no discernible reason.
3. When it is time to get up for school, refuse to get out of bed.
4. When your mother turns on your light in an attempt to rouse you from sleep, go ahead and turn it back off. Repeat as many times as you see fit. You’re tired and need more rest.
5. When your brother reminds you it’s time to wake up, scream nonsense at him. Suggested selections: “YOU PUT YOUR FEET ON MY HARRY POTTER BOOK LAST NIGHT, YOU MONSTER” and “I know you told the dog to ignore me. I know it was you.”
6. Lie on bedroom floor in exhaustion, as yelling at brother is extremely taxing.
7. Reject all outfit choices presented by parents. Give no reasons.
8. Grudgingly accept to wear clothes once everything has been emptied from your dresser, just to be sure all options have been considered. Make a mental note to later take these clean clothes and shove them all in the dirty laundry hamper. 
9. Allow your mother to leave the room, mistaken in the belief that you are getting up and getting dressed. Five minutes later, yell to her that you need her.
10. Assert that you no longer wish to be educated at a regular school but instead prefer to attend “Mommy’s Homeschool Snuggle Academy” and then refuse to put on pants.
11. When you have unlocked level “mom’s face is bright red and it looks like she might cry from frustration,” go ahead and get dressed.
12. Do not brush your hair. Do not allow anyone else to brush your hair. Agree to attend school looking like your head is a haystack. Observe the defeated slump of your mother’s shoulders.
13. Go downstairs and assess situation: five minutes ’til the bus comes. 
14. Argue that unlike every other day, no snack is required for school today. When parents insist that a snack be packed anyway, wistfully look at pantry that is filled with food, and claim there is nothing to eat.
15. Tilt head like a confused Labrador when asked about breakfast, as if you have never heard the word before.
16. Decline to eat anything.
17. Listen to both your parents admonish you for not eating when so many go hungry. Turn around, look at them levelly, stomp out of room.
18. Notice toast Dad has made for his own breakfast and decide to eat that.
19. Ask if you can watch a little TV before school and then scowl when your mother sputters out sentence fragments about being late.
20. Happily scamper down to the bus stop to greet friends and wish people a cheerful good morning. 
21. Wave to mother and dog as bus drives away, noting the dazed, slightly demented expression on her face.
Well done, young Padawan. Enjoy your day at school while your mother spends the next hour trying to gather the tattered shreds of her remaining frayed nerves while getting ready for work.

(c) Mommyland Blogs 2013-2016

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