Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The ADD Mom Prayer


I recently wrote about my efforts to become more mindful, calm, and focused and how my broken squirrel brain rejects these efforts. It decides instead that I should re-live awkward conversations from high school and hyperventilate about the possibility of sex offenders circumventing our school district's hiring policies. Thank you, brain. 

The comments on Facebook made me feel a lot better, though, like I wasn't the only one. A lot of people mentioned that this happens to them every night as they try to fall asleep, or as they accidentally shampoo their hair 3 times in the shower, or even when they're trying to pray. That last one is my favorite because the exact same thing happens to me and I'm pretty sure it's annoying Jesus. So please let me share with you what I am now referring to as the "The ADD Mom Prayer"

Friday, February 19, 2016

A Guide for People Who Suck at Mindfulness


Hello, gentle friend. Welcome to Guided Mindfulness. You may be asking yourself: what is mindfulness? Mindfulness is what the internet says you should do in order to be a better human and less like your normal self. Now please find a comfortable place to sit and let your thoughts flow.

FLOW THOUGHTS. Flowing. Flo. Florida. Someone threw an alligator through a drive-thru window in Florida last week and I was like “Of course. FLORIDA.” 
That’s unkind. 
There are a lot of cool people from Florida. 
This can’t be what they mean by thoughts flowing.
This carpet smells funny. I think if you get close enough to any carpet it’s going to smell, though. When you think about the whole idea of carpet, it’s all gross. 

I already hate this.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Mandatory Troop Meeting regarding Girl Scout Cookie Sales

I am a Girl Scout leader. The following is a transcript of a recent troop meeting. 
[It is also satire and completely made up.]

Girls, please be seated. Parents, welcome. We're here to discuss this year's cookie sales. As your leader, it's my duty to inform you that the time is upon us. Girls, you must now put away childish things and begin your journey toward entrepreneurial leadership. The days of Doc McStuffins and organic juice boxes are behind you. Throw these things in the fire, for they mean nothing now. We will roast our s’mores from their acrid flames.

Now down to business. If we don’t exceed our sales goals from last year, you can all just forget about Hershey Park. Do you think destination trips through Amish country to a place where milk chocolate literally flows in the streets just happen by accident? No. We have to earn it, and it will mean sacrifice. 

Monday, February 1, 2016

New Year to Talk Early & Talk Often

This post is sponsored by Responsibility.org as part of their #TalkEarly campaigns, encouraging families to talk early, talk often, and be healthy. All the opinions are my own because no one is the boss of me. I'm very proud to be part of the #TalkEarly blogger team this year. 

For the past couple of years, I’ve been working with responsibility.org as part of their #TalkEarly blogging team. I’m doing it again this year for a couple of reasons and I want to share them with you. 

The first reason is that of all the sponsored blogging that I could do, this actually means something to me. They want me to write about the intersection of parenting and an important public health issue, which is perfect for me give that my all my real life jobs are in public health. 

The second reason I’m doing this is because I feel like I have some amends to make. When I first started writing this blog with my friend Kate seven thousand years ago, moms making jokes about wine on the internet and social media was not the same as it is now. There was no Pinterest, there was no Instagram, most of us didn’t know what a “meme” was - or at least I didn’t. 

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