Thursday, April 11, 2019

Review of the After Movie - Which everyone should go see right now. Thank you.

I just saw the #Aftermovie and I have a lot of feelings and emotions right now. They are very real and you need to respect them even though I am an adult woman and perhaps this is not the best use of my time. 
For those of you who don't know, this movie is based on a series of YA books by Anna Todd that were originally on a story-sharing app called Watpad, where they got over a BILLION reads and were eventually snatched up by Simon & Schuster and published to enormous sales over the past five years.
Let's start with the positives: There's great casting! And gender-swapping of characters! There's more diversity! Landon, for example, is now black and is a precious, handsome, nerdy angel and Tristan is a v. hot gay girl. All good things.
Hardin and Tessa are great - thank you, baby lemur, because that could have gone either way. Tessa is exactly as I imagined her, down to the JC Penney wardrobe and pouty lips. Hardin* is perfect but for the lack of correct tattoos and piercings, which did not bother me but was EXTREMELY UPSETTING to the young super fans who were debriefing after the movie with me. 
He is also far too nice, which was very disappointing. He is supposed to be a cruel and heartless dickhead and instead, he's like a young, black t-shirt wearing Mr. Darcy, unpleasant and rude, but too hot for those things to matter very much.

#Hessa has excellent chemistry which is the only reason the movie works, and you will know this because almost the entire film is comprised of slow-motion shots of them open mouth kissing to emotional lady rock. This leaves very little time for things like plot and character development and pacing.
BUT JULIE, WHY ARE YOU WHINING ABOUT LITERARY DEVICES IN A MOVIE THAT IS BASED ON TWILIGHT/50 SHADES/ONE DIRECTION FAN FICTION? First of all, I don't appreciate your tone. I love this shit. Second of all, those books are all about pacing - dropping random WTF moments, infuriating plot turns, and a frankly excessive amount of female orgasms. Sadly, none of those things are in the movie but it is PG-13, so I get it. 
BUT IS THE MOVIE GOOD? I mean, kind of. I will probably have to watch it like three more times before I can decide for sure. If you've read the books, it doesn't matter what I think. You have to see the movie. You also have to like it or you're expelled from the fandom. It's legally required and you don't want to break the law, do you? 
If you haven't read the books and you go to the movies to support your weird friend (like Tracy and Angela did for me tonight), then you will likely walk out of the theatre somewhere between "That had potential, sweetie, but there was a lot I didn't understand" and "What the hell was that? No for real, what did I just see?"
That last one was Tracy and while I'm grateful for her loyalty and friendship tonight, her attitude is unappreciated. That group of teenage superfans I mentioned earlier? They had a Tracy, too and she was not impressed and was also a little unkind and judgemental about how upset the rest of us were. So don't be a Tracy, is basically what I'm saying. 
So should you see this movie? YES. Because it needs to make enough money that they will make a second movie, and so on. Did we really need four Twilight movies?* DID WE? Yes, of course we did. Don't be stupid. So go see this movie immediately. Thank you.
Your friend,
*You may recognize this young man as Tom Riddle from the orphanage in the HP movies and is also the real-life nephew of the actor who plays Voldemort. ANY CONNECTION TO HP IS AMAZING AND YOU KNOW THAT SO JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

*My friend Harlow just informed there were FIVE Twilight movies. Pretty sure I knew that. Breaking Dawn was the size of the NY/NJ yellow pages we used to get every year when I was a child (so it was made into two movies and there was some weird CGI stuff, as I remember). But also to be clear, I also loved that shit. Twilight, not the yellow pages.

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