Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Second Deathaversary

Today is the second deathiversary of my little brother's passing and I'm still feeling messy and ugly about it. I've decided to focus on a few things that losing him taught me.
*Grief is built to last and it shows up in really weird ways when you really don't expect it. Like a punch right in the damn face when you're at a stoplight and the wrong song comes on. It sucks but there it is.
*I will remember the best of him because he would've done that for me. 
*My sister and I will likely spend too much time for the rest of our lives wondering if something could have changed this outcome. If we had a time machine, what is the exact moment that we could go back to, make a change and create an alternate timeline where he would still be here and be ok? We know this isn't useful. We will do it anyway.
*Mental illness is made about a million times worse by self-medicating. When life is genuinely shitty, that's when you should be NOT be drinking. 
*I will love certain people harder and I will let certain people go. 
Here's a bird finger to death for taking him at 30 and to addiction and mental illness and the breast cancer that took his mom when he was too young to handle it. 
Here's an awkwardly long hug for anyone else dealing with ugly, messy, dirty grief.

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