Words We Use or "The MDR"
It has come to our attention that we have a lot "mommy-speak" in our posts. We thought we would define some of our terms for those of you who wonder: What the hell is 'Turtle Herding'?? Who is McLovin?? Why do they keep referring to 'Indoor Homeless People' and 'The Blur'?
So we put them all down in a list. It's kind of like the Physician's Desk Reference...oh who are we kidding? It's nothing like the PDR IV (or whatever number they're on) but we like to think we're smart and funny, rather than being actually smart and a hundred grand in debt from medical school. It's the Mommyland Desk Reference - the MDR. All you need to know about MommyLand. And now that we've done it we have to say that, en masse, it yields a rather peculiar and amusing look at the lives of Kate and Lydia.
Some technical details. It's in alphabetical order - which makes it extra random, but much easier to find something if you're looking for it. We have linked terms to past posts so you can read more about them or see where they originated. Some terms, like "Wine" are so ubiquitous that no linking is possible. Other phrases we may not have used in a post but are part of how we talk to each other - so they're in there, too. We will be updating this all the time and if you want us to add more to this list, leave us a comment!
So, here you go, Mommies, enjoy and use these terms as if they were your own, because they are:
Afghanistence: hybrid of Afghanistan and abstinence. The type of birth control used by military mommies during their husband's deployment
Anticipointment: (noun) see also anticipoint or anticipointed; hybrid of anticipation and disappointment; feeling moms have on days that are important to them, i.e. their birthday or Mother’s Day, when everything goes to Schmidt and we wind up drinking even earlier than usual; grand moments of anticipointment usually occur when presented with lemon raisin oatmeal for your breakfast in bed at 5:22am, and later find that your kitchen looks like Chernobyl.
Assholic: (adj) Used to describe the behavior of someone being an a-hole.
Aunt Mary: Lydia's Aunt who lives in North Carolina, makes beautiful quilts and writes completely awesome comments in the third person. Kate fell so deeply in love with Aunt Mary that she decided that her name should become a descriptive term. When something is fantabulous, slightly whacktastic and totally unexpected it is soooo Aunt Mary.
The Blur: the time in your life while you are parenting children. Symptoms are consistent with other dementia disorders; forgetfulness, disorientation, sleeplessness, forgetfulness, exhaustion, snappishness. Blur-induced stupidity is commonly occurring and profound. Hopefully, the effects of The Blur diminish over time. Term coined by Lydia's father.
Boobs Akimbo: condition whereby the "twins" -- rather than appearing to be a complimentary pairing -- venture off to their respective locations on your chest. May be caused by whacktacular t-shirt, unsupportive bras, or -- the worst -- just bad, bad Boobs Akimbo Syndrome, of which there is no known cure.
BWT (Big White Tampon): Lydia's hideous (usually filthy) mini-van. Bought from a Ford dealer (though it looks as though its prior owner could have been either a Korean church or a high-end plumbing company). Has unique aroma of wine cellars. We attribute it to the ongoing fermentation of lost juice boxes. Carpet has been replaced by ground-in goldfish and fruit snacks. Sticky, yet crunchy. And, lickable, should we ever be trapped in a blizzard. Because no one is ever going to come looking for this damn thing. [Also, in a blizzard it would be camouflaged! Clever van!]
Car Payment Hair: The kind of hair that looks amazing but is the equivalent of a car payment (every six weeks) to maintain. Kate is strongly in favor of car payment hair (provided you never cheat on your colorist). Lydia is strongly opposed, as she calculated the annual "Hair" line item in her budget and then realized she would have to get divorced.
Captain Coupon: Lydia's husband, also known as the Cap'n. His Scottish ancestry has resulted in a Scrooge McDuck-like tendency to compulsively save money at every opportunity. Don't even try going to go to Target and buying toilet paper without a coupon. And, he wants proof. Tall, handsome, hilarious, brilliant and also prematurely grey-haired, though that has nothing at all to do with Lydia.
Clandes-wine (noun) variations: clandes-tini, clandes-garita; liquid placed into travel coffee mug, big gulp cup, or even sippy cup to prepare for prolonged and slightly painful events; examples include: 3rd grade violin concert (tonight), 3 hour bus trip each way with fifth graders, 3rd showing of same 2 hour dance recital in one day, anytime you have to watch a t-ball game
Dadtox: State your kids are in when they return to the mommy gulag real world of rules and schedules after being on Daddy time. (verb form: "dadtoxing"). Can also apply to the state of your house, for example: "The kitchen was clean when I left for book club. Three hours later and it's in dadtox and needs to be hosed down with a power-washer."
Even Yesser: superlative of agreement. Typically follows the question, "would you like a T-Box?"
Eye Slammy: (noun) Condition upon, when smelling something so horribly offensive -- i.e. the bathroom after the boys have been in there, or twenty-seven sprays of the *lovely* eu de parfum from McGee's Trampy Teenager Starter Kit -- causes one's eyes to slam shut until 1) the odor dissipates; or 2) you manage to blindly stumble out of the room and into a place that doesn't assault one's olfactory senses. Like a morgue. In August. With no air conditioning.
Eyegasm: (noun) condition that arises upon, when rubbing tired eyes, one continues the activity simply because it feels good; may be accompanied by random sounds; usually results in slight flushing around the ocular area but a satisfied smile; distant, distant relative to other –gasms, but really, who has time for that anymore?
Faux Queue: (noun) the line at the supermarket or neighborhood Target that you think is the fastest but which, as soon as you join it, immediately becomes the slowest checkout line in the history of ever. As with many other MDR words, it also (just barely) conforms to the anti-cursing parameter. Which makes it even more awesome when Lydia says it to Kate while at Target.
Fuggernaut: (noun) hybrid of juggernaut f**k-up; occurs when taking multiple kids to a Chuck E. Cheese on a Saturday. Without a back-up adult. Or booze.
The Fear: irrational, all-consuming anxiety that something awful may happen to the little terror suspects (or their father). Sex offenders, drunk drivers, and enemy combatants among those who inspire The Fear. Results in statements like; "No you may NOT walk to the mailbox without a grown-up. I don't care if you are in High School." The Fear strikes Daddies and Mommies in equal measure.
Furdistan: (noun) All purpose replacement name for any object who's actual name has become suddenly unknown. Forgetting the names of things is common among mommies due to The Blur. Most effective with a Larry the Cable Guy accent, and when replacing a word much easier to remember than Furdistan. Say, a spoon.
Happy: aka Happy Camper. Kate's 3-year old son. Super cute wee man. Has a thing for cows.
Hawk: Lydia's 4 year old son. Loves Star Wars and wearing his tuxedo. Ridiculously cute, always surprising. Has knack for saying slightly inappropriate things and also rocking mad fashion.
Hittin' the Sippy (descriptive verb) This implies that someone is drinking. For little kids, it may describe that much needed bottle of milk to take the edge off a long afternoon at the playground. "He was close to having a tantrum, but I turned on Noggin and let him hit the sippy and now he's fine." For mommy, it probably alludes to the fact that she is not drinking water out of that sports bottle. "The swim meet was awful. 100 degrees out and it went until 10pm. But I was hittin' the sippy by the baby pool so I managed."
Indoor Homeless People: pet name for Kate's washed, brushed, rich, satiated children AKA the small people who have no jobs and beg you for everything, but do it inside your house. Many variations of IHP are possible based on your circumstances (outside, deaf, etc).
Jackhole: hybrid of Jackass and a$$hole. Sounds terrible (so is still satisfying to holler at BMWs who won't let you merge) but as is not technically a curse word, can still be hollered in front of the children.
Lefty: Kate's 6 year old son. So named because of his reference in public, with witnesses, to his left testicle trying to cross over to the dark side. Also, Darth Lefty.
Little Terror Suspects: pet name for Lydia's adorable, quiet, obedient children. Term coined by the Cap'n.
The Long Hug: You get it from your husband. If there is any chance of the long hug reaching its desired conclusion, it had better come with a bottle of wine. Conversely, if you bestow one on your husband, wine is the last thing on his mind. If you deliver a long hug and it is followed by the Three Tap Shoulder Pat, go find the latest copy of UsWeekly and get a glass of wine. There's obviously a game on.
The Look: loosely defined as "please do what you were about to do, now that I am actively watching you." Also known as the Silent Dare. Highly effective in warding off unacceptable behavior, particularly in public settings.
McGee: Kate's 10-year old daughter. Greatest desire is to have boobs. Big boobs. So named by McLovin, who loves quoting "Anchorman" as often as possible. For the uninitiated, here you go.
McLovin: (Also known as the Second Darrin.) Kate's husband. Self-named after seeing "SuperBad." Still occasionally imagines himself to be a bachelor, then wonders why all these people live in his house. Thankfully went grey in his 20s to spare himself the shock of greying IMMEDIATELY after meeting Kate. Adores the children but doesn't understand their inability to go to sleep, particularly when blessed with ability to start snoring mid-sentence. Not a sentence he's listening to, rather one he's speaking.
Milking The Bag: (descriptive verb) the act of – as you near the end of a T-Box -- removing the inner line out of its T-Boxity shell and proceed to squeeze or “milk” it to get out every last drop of Targetty deliciousness. Particularly effective when watching a True Blood marathon. We’re just sayin’.
Mini-Mini-Me: Lydia's baby daughter (age 1). So named by Kate as older daughter is a mini-me of Lydia and baby is mini-me of her sister. Hence, Mini-mini-me.
Mini-Surrender: mitigating factors that may save one from The Surrender, i.e. wearing lipstick even if your hair is a disaster and you're in yesterday's clothes. Only effective if true effort is evidenced, not merely leftover dregs from the night before. That would constitute an Even Yesser Surrender, which is way, way worse.
Moctorate: (noun) hybrid of mom and doctorate. A degree where you correctly diagnose your child's condition before the weekend Doc-in-a-Box, but you still have to sit in the waiting & exam rooms to get the prescription for antibiotics. Super.
Moo Wedgie: acronym for Mommies Who Just Don't Get It; therefore, making life much harder for the rest of us. There are ten different species of Moo Wedgies, though, sadly, we encounter a new genus of the species all the time. However, we will concede that, on occasion, we have displayed the various snitchy behaviors. Temporarily.
Mortgage Payment Shoes: The type of footwear that is both naughty and amazingly gravity defying but is the equivalent of a monthly house payment. Kate is, unsurprisingly, strongly in favor of mortgage payment shoes and refers to them by their names (Choo, Christian, etc.). Lydia is intrigued yet defiant, evidenced by her particular choice of "footwear" i.e. Clogs. Represents the continuing battle in MommyLand.
MOS (Mom of Single): as in a single kid, an only child. MOS's are often subject to ridiculous and innapropriate comments from MOM's (Mom of Multiple kids - not necassarily twins or octoplets or whatever) who do not respect the MOS's choice to stick to one kid.
PajamaJeans: Casual awesomeness that Kate strongly dissaproves of. Looks like jeans - feels like pajamas. A suitable alternative to Lydia's oft-worn yoga pants.
(Play)Dating: Relationship between two moms who 1) are not really friends; 2) only time they see each other is on play-dates; 3) only time they talk or email is when arranging play-dates. However, they a) really like each other, b) kids get along like gang-busters; and c) get together every couple of weeks. Realization is typically: "oh my gosh. I totally have a girlfriend."
Prison Bus: (noun) What your van becomes when the kids are all jacked up and you are forced to turn around and scream things at them like: "Get yer butts in yer carseats before I come back there and start knocking skulls!" or "You people better stop making so much noise or as soon as we get home I will put you in your room and lock the door and throw the key down the well!" (submitted by www.mamajulep.blogspot.com)
Professional: As in, we are a very "professional family". An adjective used completely out of context with a great degree of frequency, by Lydia's 6 year old daughter. Just a side note, she also calls General Tso's Chicken (her favorite) - Professional Chicken.
Protesticles (verb) The act of protecting one's testicles from imminent attack. Alternately, when one's testicles protest having been squared up on.
Punjana: the Cap'n's preferred brand of tea. Not gross, just sounds like it.
Spamich: (noun) The language that Lydia's son claims to be fluent in, when in fact he is just rolling his R's and making up sounds that he may or may not have heard on Dora the Murthurfurkin Explorer. Lydia's children also claim to be fluent in French (thank you, Fancy Nancy) and Chinese (suck it, Ni Hao Kai Lan). When the little terror suspects start babbling away in any of these languages, we just call it Spamich.
Square Up: What you do just before you kick someone in the junk. For example: "Someone needs to look John Edwards right in his eyeball, square up and send his onions to space on a foot rocket. I mean now." Termed coined by Lydia's teenage sister, Lucy.
SGW: Special Guest Writer.
Thumbelina: Lydia's first grade daughter. Beautiful, blond, blue-eyed sweetheart whose angelic countenance masks a peerless tenacity to bend all those around her to her will. Is slated to be either Miss America or highly-paid Blackwater mercenary by age 22. Maybe both.
Turtler: (noun) Term coined by Lydia's son Hawk to describe his little sister. "She's half baby, half toddler and really, really slow." This should make perfect sense to those of who herd turtles for a living.
Turtle Herding: The act of getting small children to go anywhere. Worse than herding cats, as cats actually move. Also see; excruciating.
Whacktacular: describes anything that is both strangely odd and yet compelling, i.e. Lydia's stripey hair, and some of Kate's shoes. Acceptable conjugations: whacktacularness (noun) quality or state of being whacktacular or whacktacularly (adverb) of, or relating to being both whack and spectacular
Whuck: hybrid of what and f**k, clearly. Or more accurately - "what the f**k"? Happily added to the Mommyland Arsenal of Words That Are Not Technically Curse Words. Coincidentally, term coined by Happy, after breaking a brand new crayon. Or, Tina Fey. Either way, awesome.
Wine: aka Mommy Juice. The cause of, and solution to, most of our rants. The stuff from which two of Lydia's three children were conceived. Impossible to ignore, unlike its nefarious cousin, Whine.
Mini is learning to read. More precisely, Mini is learning to sound out words. I don't want to rush her into reading (she doesn't ...
I'm sorry for not writing anything for a while. The deal is that my husband has been out of town, I've been taking allergy medicatio...
Guru Louise and I asked you about what most teachers really want for end of the year gifts. We got hundreds of answers on Facebook , Tw...
It's winter and its freezing and it's always dark and everyone is sort of sick. So at my house, it is the season of watching too muc...
Like every other family in the world, my kids are obsessed with Frozen. We downloaded the soundtrack right after Christmas and have enjoye...
Three years ago, when I thought about Mother's Day, I just wanted to sigh … So Kate and Guru and I decided to look at it from a whole ...
I sometimes think I'm the only one who wonders about bizarro things like if the Blue Wiggle is hot in real life* or what the hell happen...
The Ides of March has always been a bad luck day for me and I don't know why. It's become a thing and now I'm all superstiti...
It seems to me that one of the most important things that no one told me about parenthood is that three is worse than two. Everyone is sort ...
My dog almost died today. Because he ate some fabric. Maybe a sock? They don't know. In any case it was gross and it was not even food...